In one of my books (The Zahir), I try to understand why people are so afraid of changing. When I was right in the middle of writing the text, I came across an odd interview with a woman who had just written a book on – guess what? – love.
The journalist asks whether the only way a human being can become happy is to find their beloved. The woman says no:
“Love changes, and nobody understands that. The idea that love leads to happiness is a modern invention, dating from the late 17th century. From that time on, people have learned to believe that love should last for ever and that marriage is the best way to exercise love. In the past there was not so much optimism about the longevity of passion.
“Romeo and Juliet isn’t a happy story, it’s a tragedy. In the last few decades, expectation has grown a lot regarding marriage being the path towards personal accomplishment. Disappointment and dissatisfaction have also grown at the same time.”
According to the magical practices of the witchdoctors in the North of Mexico, there is always an event in our lives that is responsible for our having stopped making progress. A trauma, a particularly bitter defeat, disappointment in love, even a victory that we fail to quite understand, ends up making us act cowardly and incapable of moving ahead. The witchdoctor, trying to connect with the occult powers, first of all needs to get rid of this “accommodating point”. To do so, he has to review our life and discover where this point lies.
When I was young, I was always fighting, always hitting the others, because I was the oldest in the gang. One day my cousin gave me a beating. That convinced me that I would never again manage to win a fight, and I began to avoid any physical confrontation, even though this meant that I was often taken for a coward, and let myself be humiliated in front of girlfriends and companions. Until one day, when I was 22, I ended up unwillingly getting into a fight in a nightclub in Rio de Janeiro. I got beaten up, but the “accommodating point” went away. Nowadays I no longer fight, not out of cowardice but rather because it’s a terrible way of expressing oneself.
For two years I tried to learn to play the guitar: I made a lot of progress in the beginning, until I reached the point where I could advance no further. Because I discovered that others learned faster than I did, I felt mediocre and decided that instead of feeling ashamed I was no longer interested in playing the guitar. The same happened with snooker, football, cycling: I learned enough to do everything fairly well, but then reached a point where I could go no further.
Why?
Because, according to the story that we were told, at a certain moment in our lives “we reach our limit”. There are no more changes to be made. We won’t grow any more. Both professionally and in love, we have reached the ideal point, and it’s best to leave things as they are. But the truth is that we can always go further. Love more, live more, risk more.
Immobility is never the best solution. Because everything around us changes (including love) and we must accompany that rhythm.
I have been married to the same person for 28 years, but I have changed “wives” (and she has changed “husbands”) several times during our relationship. If we wanted to keep on as we were in 1979, I don’t think we would have come so far.
tags technorati : Technorati Paulo Coelho Paulo Coehlo Warrior of Light Warrior of the Light Newsletter
this is definitely so enlightening.. I am actually at the edge of giving up on love but this article made me realize that, indeed, moving forward and facing changes bravely will bring me far… I can love, live, and laugh more….
I am happy to be part of these talks from heart. I enjoyed reading all your comments.
Maria,
You have a beautiful way of living your life.
The universe keeps showing us all our respective paths. It is a continuous journey but the most important thing is to stay untouched by all these passing events. All the thrills, passion, monotony, accomodating-point etc are on a very superficial level of our existence, which is mind. They are all beautiful and absolutely unavoidable ingredients in the phenomenon called life. But the unchanging and all-pervading self is what we are.. a pure bliss.
I feel I’ve reached my “accommodating point” and I also feel I should not rest on it. I’m content with all aspect of my life, relationships, career, and health. I have reached my goals, and I have rested on this fact for a while, but now I feel it’s time to move on, to reach further if not higher. Contentment to me is not a destination, but a parting point. My children are entering adulthood and they have a good foundation to follow through on their own, I can offer guidance if asked, but I think they can managed very well on their own. My husband and I after 25 years of marriage have reached a new level in our relationship, one of true partnership and not one of interdependency. I have job security, and I enjoy what I do although it’s no longer challenging, so I can just wait to retire in 15 years, and live off my pension without having to make major sacrifices in terms of lifestyle. So it should all be good, but I feel now is the time to make a choice, change the course of my life. I haven’t a clue what that looks like, but I’m open for change and while I explore different possibilities I leave myself open for the universe to show me the path; “MY” path.
Yajna,
Thankyou very much, I think that I will not have a marriage, but it does not mean I will not love someone as if married to them, as they say:
“Love comes when you realise that you can grow seperately without growing apart.”
Dearest Paulo and friends,
I must add, that i loved this story, especially the last paragraph. A teacher once told me, when i asked her about love-
She said that people are always growing, and the key to maintaining that relationship, that love, is to grow with that person, always take the time to see who they have become and learn to love them- know who they are. She also said- Love is not only words, but it is also actions.
I will never forget these words, and i will also never forget something else someone told me.
One of my best friends and i, last year, doubted love and relationships after being badly hurt. What makes a relationship work we both asked ourselves, and after a few days, she came to me with an answer. Its rather simple she said- Sharing. Sharing is the answer. Share yourself, continuously with the one you love. Share the good times and share the bad. Share your fears and share your love. But most of all, share who you are, and who you become. If you don’t or if you stop, as much as you may love, you will lose sight of who the other person is.. And things will eventually fall apart. If there is one bit advice i’d give to anyone who loves, it would be, don’t be afraid of change, it will happen, to both you and your partner, just don’t stop sharing, even when times get tough.
Love to all
Thank you for being
Yajna
Tom,
I feel that a commitment like marriage should come within you. I feel marriage is something that you feel, inside you, for someone you truely love. Whether you have a wedding or not is not a real issue in my eyes, i find it to be more of a social formality. I think if you truely love someone, you will know, you want them to continuously to be apart of your life, and you will feel married to them. Forever together, together even apart.
Lots of love
Yajna
Aditya,
Hello my friend :)
Its been quite some time, i’ve missed your words around here and on the blog. How are you? All good i hope.. How’s your device? i hope somethings are working out for you :)
As for my thoughts on this accomdating point-
Practice makes perfect.. but do we ever reach perfection? I feel that with any of these activites, singing, dancing or whatever, the point for us to do them shouldn’t be to be for us to be the best at it, but rather for us to do it because we love it. I do know however, it is human nature to want to strive to be the best, and we reach a satutrated point where we see ourselves not being the best, so we sort of give up on it. I think this is caused maybe more so by self doubt. I feel that if your heart truely desires to do something, you will continue it, even if you feel you may never be the best, you conitnue because you love it, or alternatively you continue to try because you know you can be the best and thus you practice and practice until you make yourself be the best you can be. We must also remember, with time, we change, our lives changes and our interests evolve. And thus, it seems easier for us to give up on something when we find we’ve had enough of it, and try something new. I used to think that this is a bad quality, but now i see its not really a bad, or even a quality, its just me, trying to discover more about who i am and what i love.
Lots of love
Yajna
ah I’ve got it – it requires a shift in consciousness -
oh man I had to work hard on that one – I thought about it all day yesterday.
neutral, flip, flop,vroo….oooom vroom, take – off, still on auto-pilot.
PS this is so so clever
abraham,
I think paulo is trying to get across that, everything changes, and this is a good thing. But when we reach the accomodation point, we stop changing, growing, or at least, we grow at a minimal rate. We basically have to take that first step again, or we will be the same until we realise that we have wasted many month, years or maybe even decades on an accomodation point were it was as if our opinions stood still. I know that my opinions have been changing for a while now, I used to say that I was too easily influenced, then I realised that I was just taking in all the information around me to formulate my own opinion.
aditya,
long time no talk my friend :)
I understand what you are saying, but are you trying to say that becoming attached to things brings on the accomodating point ???
or is it that you do conciously give some hobbies up and that just because this happens, it doesnt neccesarily mean that it is the accomodation point ???
Skyline
i read & reread what u have written.
everything is possible, includes developing allergies ( but be aware all allergies are mental reactions ) u feel alive that is most important. u did what u did, it is not for others to judge.
so long as u remain conscious of your actions, so long as u remain aware, u r on the right path !! my take.
love
aditya
to be frank buddy i dont know….
i have this problem a lot. when i tried to learn a music instrument.. in fact anything i try to learn anything just for the heck of it (as in, something that doesnt really advance me career wise) i reach this point, and even if i try after that, it appears that my mind doesnt want to go on, and i end up abandoning it. like trying to play the violin. but learning the violin as you will know is a very delicate process. and whoever ends up being a champion violinist has persevered through all this..
So do we keep trying, taking the chance that destiny has written that I will be a violinist, or do I move on to the next thing, after all, its just a leisure activity…?
The Alchemist talks about following your passion to the end. the problem is, most of us are in the dark as to what our true calling is, whether destiny has a special purpose for me, or I just need to live my life on my terms like everyone else does… we dont have angels standing in front of us and telling..
hey aditya one more thing i was thinking last night…. Paulo always talks about following your dream and refusing to be ordinary.. but do you think it would have worked if he hadnt been successful? (are all professional footballers – who i feel are doing it for a passion- successful? are all writers or painters rich? one of India ’s most successful captains suicided recently because th game didnt give him anything to live with after he retired, apart from the name….) after all doesnt money matter?
iv wanted to be a journalist… or rather, i think i want to be that.. i know I dont want to be a practising chartered accountant (Im almost one)… Im not worried about not having the biggest bank balance in the city… but in the bottom of my soul, there’s the thought, you can pull it off by following your dream, if you are lucky… if your not, you will be branded a loser.. okay, again, loser doesnt frighten me, but i could have atleast worked hard and made my family’s life better… and i dont even know ill make a good journalist. my whim’s are quite whimsical :D…. so its a chance im taking
second thing, passion for most people would mean real passion. prob with me is i am never able to give a hundred per cent on anything.. so then, the chances ill succeed is quite proportionally reduced….
well, im juts sharing a few things that were bothering me really badly… please dont advice me (im sick of it) just give me yr thoughts…. maybe even experiences…
till then
ab
as we live, we get attarcted towards so many things, cycyling, swimming, singing, dancing,…. redaing writing,… few of these we pursue also and then reach the accomodation point, fine till then. it’s ok to give up at that, for most of our pursuits, barring a few in which we make a cosnious decision to push the envelop a little further. that is what i feel abraham, what say u ?
aditya
so wat do you think he’s saying here?
its okay to give up if you reach the accomodator point, or strive for ways in which to circumvent the point?
change is inevitable, but at the same time something deep down, something at the centre never changes. we need to appreciate both and accept both.
could someone throw a little more light on ‘accomodation point’.
love
aditya
I think I said that before, but once again- This post put me at ease. In the meanings that your words took shape in my mind, I have got an inkling of a direction.
Thanks…
Halo everybody,
i decided to write my little ideas since some cases come back to my life continuously. i mean in relationships. i believe that this is the way to overcome some karma. i fight with my inside ideas in my head, that probably can influence the other person / man/ i would like to deserve to have love with. I am curious what people think if this continuous situations really happens. i know no one relationship between man and woman is the same or can be logically described. i just think this is the way to move on and be patient and handle the other person as we are attrackted between each other and act in the way to deserve love. what happens to me in this period of time is that my love did not solve in his head the ex girlfriend although he claims that its over and there is nothing to solve.
Sincerely
Lubica
Paulo,
Like many others, I was deeply moved by “The Zahir.” It taught me so much when I really needed the lessons on the novel. This essay just reinforces those lessons.
The last paragraph reminded me of a short poem I picked up somewhere. I don’t know the author or exactly where I got it, but it seems to hold the truth of what you are saying about marriage and relationships/love.
“No one falls in love by Choice,
it is by Chance.
No one stays in love by Chance,
it is by Work.
And, no one falls out of love by Chance,
it is by Choice.”
As you say, we all must change again and again if we are to stay together. If both people don’t keep doing this, as your couple in “The Zahir,” one must in the end leave, at least until the other learns the lessons of change and catches up.
Sadly, that doesn’t always happen in life and many relationships are destined to fall apart, and what once was a great love dies.
Thank you again for reminding me of a lesson that should be remembered each day.
Jack
Truthfully beautiful!
such a wonderful paragraph this last one..It shows how much you love your wife and how much she loves you back.. You both love whatever form the other person may take through these years,as he/she changes..Just wonderful…Not many people accept that..They don’t accept change..they want the other person to be exactly as the one when they met him/her..
Yes, there is always something further..always something more..All we have to do is reach out..And not be afraid to surpass this accomodating point..We should not compromise with this situation..even after achieving a dream, there is always another great dream… :) living everyday, more and more..
Love to all of you
Annie
Is it possible to develop an allergy to your life, your work and your marriage?
Three months ago I left what many people perceived to be a perfect life. Within a matter of weeks I found a job in a new city and left: my husband, my family and my dog. I could not get out of my life quickly enough.
So here I am three months on. I have a new life, but I am reeling. I am overcome with guilt, I hurt many people in the process. At the same time, my soul has to catch up. I have made some very big changes in a small space of time.
Some people might say what I did was brave, others would conclude that I lost my sanity and that my behaviour was selfish.
I am tormented by guilt.
Where am I in all of this?
I get up each day and believe (it is really all I have to hold on to now) that I am on the right path, that I am being led.
My soul might be struggling to catch up, but I feel alive.
I believe this aswell, I think that if you need to keep a relationship together through marriage, then you shouldnt be married anyway.
Then again, many people get married because they want to stay with the person they love forever, though you dont need to get married for that.
I doubt I will ever get married but if I do, it will have to be for a very good reason, maybe for the person I truly love….
Thank you for this piece, dear Paulo. Very clear and engaging reading :)
I’m exactly the same. I keep finding myself in these situations where I “lose my interest” in things. I use to love to draw pictures, taking photos, play the guitar and so on, i even competed in snowboarding but always ended up doing it all fairly well, but never good enough, because I didn’t have the courage to. I always glanced (and probably still do)at my friends and lost my interest when I saw how good they were at the same things.
This is kind of a tragic way to lead a life, and certainly not the way I want to lead mine. I just recently read The Zahir and it started pocesses in me. I really want to find my accomodating points, an after finishing The Zahir a row of pearls (memories) just dropped. It’s winderful everytime you hear people who has gone through the same things as yourself, because it gives you perspective on life. Thank you!
response to “issue n°166:
I agree, that love must have a flow.
I also have come to some limits. I made the same experience in playing some instruments. And also in love.
But unfortunately our life and all the restrictions in our life give some borders that we can hardly cross.
So, I found some very little holes in that border.
But its very hard to look through and crawl through that little holes.
but if I can, it gives such a pleasure. This very few moments I really enjoy. And they are very very deep moments. Moments in music. And love between two hearts. And just unspoken love between two hearts.
And its only in our hearts.
Nobody really knows what the other one is thinking.
WE just feel something special. Its in the air.
We can never speak about it. Just feel. And just tell it in our songs. Its a very hard way.
But at least there is a way to grow in that special connection.
Our eyes tell so much – words can never tell!
But it gives me strength to continue with my “normal” life I chose.
But at that stage of my life I really want to change my life completely.
But I don´t know if its really good for me to change.
There would be involved beloved people .
Maybe its good to choose the much harder way, to crawl sometimes through that very little holes in the border and live in paradies for some very deep moments.
In the moments of music and some very deep moments of drinking coffee together.
And it also gives me the chance to grow.
Not very quickly, but in a moderate way.
Love Suzie
How very Interesting ,well they say a change is as good as a holiday or a new job so I guess a new spouse is too..I think people know in their hearts when they can no longer grow or are being held back ..I dont think humans where meant to spend there whole life with just one mate . maybe this is why people become so restless and wild ,maybe they have reached there limits ..Blessings Tania
Dear Paulo,
I didn’t quite get what you mean the last paragraph, saying
you have changed your wives, and she has changed hasbands.
Do you mean, you have changed over the 28 years, and so she has? Is that what you mean?
luv, fusae
Dear Paulo,
Your post describes the way I feel the last couple of weeks. I’m on my “accommodating point” in a relationship. I’ve been striving to preserve this affair but I think that the final threshold has been crossed. I kinda feel that your thoughts triggered a series of events that have been lurking in the ulterior corners of my mind.
Now, I can clearly understand that love isn’t enough to save the day. Love isn’t enough to shield our life with happiness and joy. Most people don’t want to change their characters, their habits and revise what loves mean to each period of their lives. I feel wounded, but as you mention in your Warrior of Light series, I will accept the defeat and learn from the mistakes.
Finally, in Greece there’s a motto which says “If a monastery runs smoothly, then new monks will be able to join.”.
Kind regards,
Ilias.
i loved your book zahir,it infact has helped me understand things better about people,people can love only so much..people can do things only so much..but i believe we decide how much,we can do…when a relation reaches a saturation point,the best thing to do is to leave it…slowly the reaction might get reversed and as you say in one of your books,life’s second chance arrives…from there we can do things the way we want…
to put things in a nutshell “man’s work is to break inability,
to achieve it or not is destiny.”