Your Space in my Blog: 9th of January 2009

I STILL LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Paulo why did you write about a killer? Why a killer?

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“if i could still talk to him…” is a letter I imagined I’d be able to give still to a long lost love … I wrote this 2 months ago, when every moment of my life was a long, heavy burden i couldnt possibly endure further…

but it just went on anyway.

And so, just because i needed to breathe, just because I had to at least try breathing inside the dark coffin I felt I was placed in even if I had been alive, I had to imagine that happiness was at my reach. I started to write a love letter, believing that my long-gone lover would read it.

Hello Den…

‘almost paradise’ is on the radio right now.

no idea why it reminds me of you… us…
somewhere in time…
i’ll talk about that later.

For i suddenly recalled… when i escaped to meet you – from Cagayan de Oro to Davao last December – I was on that bus looking for signs, signs that would assure me that my escape was worth the trouble.

Then i saw a jeepney, with this huge heading “PARADISE REGAINED” and i took that as a sign.. Until now, i don’t know why i was so wrong. Til now i don’t know why I’ve had become so blind… why i didn’t realize that the situation was beyond hopeless… and why, SARA DESPI was DESPAIR in lexigram form, not PARADISE. As life proved it to me…

Anyway, life now is… an absolute stranger to me, which i’m beginning to get to know and be intimate with anyhow.

Ive had these… lil videos recorded – it was of me doing my thing… acting… monologues, lines, etc.

A monologue highlighted my day today. from “Somewhere in Time”.

I couldn’t perfect it on video, and that’s because… i was envisioning you, seeing it… receiving the message of it… only i couldnt do it.

Why? Because… I wasn’t here. I’m seldom present these days. I’m rarely.. alive. I’m usually trapped in my own mind somehow, and… its killing me. I don’t know how to negotiate with myself to get out of it.

Why?

Because… I recall, when i was so inspired and just naturally prompted to record some acting stuff from myself, it was a time i was so.. PRESENT. SPARKLING, EFFORTLESS, AND MOST OF ALL… TRUE.

I was absolutely, genuinely expressive. And it was when i was in love with you and – i believed in myself. I believed in my own love. I breathed it. It was my every heartbeat.

Now, though i still love you and am scared i might probably love you forever – i couldnt believe in it any longer. My love, or whatever it is that makes me alive still. I couldnt trust it. It seems like… some crimson feather that’s hard to catch in the wind. I cannot GROUND it on earth… because it doesnt seem to belong there. It doesnt seem to have a home. Or a target. Or a vivid desire…

I cannot believe that love still exists for me in my present, much more in my future. Because… it was only meant to breathe in the past.

And because, if there’s such a thing called love, then i shouldve received a miracle with you a long time ago… and shouldve lived happily ever after.

But…no. Here i am, struggling… Struggling with a life i never signed up for… a life i didnt choose to be born in. Struggling… even with acting. Why, i cannot even find my place in what im naturally drawn to in life.. this industry… i feel so – left out, and unheard — to tell you honestly.

And still – im being driven by this force i could not understand. It makes me go on and… i honestly feel too sick to go on and on and on…

and i dont even know why i just wont shoot my head off, you know?

But the memories of that… love… all so beautiful and unforgettable to make me want to leave my life.

God, why?!?!

By the way, you just have to see my nails. My toenails. I painted em red, and they look so pretty…

Geez I crave to see your response… I crave it so badly.

I crave to share my everyday stories with you still… I can almost envision you sitting by the edge of my bed again, listening to me blabber around, smiling…

i dont even know if youre listening, but… i recall, how that amused smile just made everything so beautiful… so warm,.. so alright.

And i remember, you – suddenly grabbing an enthusiastic, talkative me – towards you… and enveloping me in your warmth and… everything. …shutting my mouth up. :)
I cannot even imagine why, at that time, my dramatic and highly insulting encounter with this ADDU authority figure felt so beautiful… i didnt care if i cried in public, even… i felt so wonderful even in that situation. Because… i could feel your presence already even if we were still to meet that night…

God, you made me feel so secure… so sure… so… invincible even in my vulnerability.

I dont know why… i cannot take it back anymore. why i couldnt find it in me once more.

Maybe, because… im being led to believe were never gonna be together again. You, being with me, now seems, an incredibly far out dream.

Oh yeah, i had a dream last night. About this apocalypse in Mactan… An epic dream. Ah, maybe ill share that next time.

Ive never asked this before but… how is it like being forbidden? being.. or feeling like… the forbidden apple?

or is it really you, or me, who’s the forbidden apple here?

After all, im the intruder.

Does it feel like .. some prison or what? No no no, im not trying to lead you into a selfish motive here, im not being manipulative like some people have told you before about my character.. ugh i never even met them.

Im askin if it feels like some prison because… i feel so imprisoned, so trapped… and to think that being in love with you gave me the greatest freedom ever. Something’s trapping me.. suffocating me.

And to tell you the truth, the guy i like here in Bigfoot is… in the same garden. The garden of Eden. FORBIDDEN… Oh Den, why?

Though my life seems like some disturbing art film right now, like the unbearable lightness of being, only in a tragic sort of twist… inside of me, it is an epic battle… a historical epic film or some dark fantasy trilogy with grave battle sequences.

And… because youre mr. drummerboy, you are… those drumbeats that begin the battle, and is symbolized as my life’s heartbeats. It goes on and on and on, every ticking minute of my life, but, i cannot really hear the passionate sound anymore in the middle because im too caught up in the chaos… im stuck in it. until…

the final crashing sound… because… its suddenly so silent. And it stops the battling troops immediately – theyve no idea what has come to them.

You know, i dreamt of being an actress since a child. But when i had my first great breakdown, september 22 2005, i knew i was done with it. because i was done with life. i couldnt make sense of life. i didnt choose to become alive, and that pissed me off.

i didnt care about whatever i had wanted anymore… i couldnt endure living for the glory of this gray world. gray cement, gray buildings, gray lifeless people around me,… and in the end, we end under a gray tombstone, believing we’ll find happiness in that… FUCK! Even the heavens are gray!

And then you got me. That night, oh you must surely remember that night, it was a few days after my birthday you know. my 18th birthday.. that night when you still hid the fact that you already have a girlfriend… leading me to believe that i was finally yours.

But… i wanted to tell you this before.. i didnt want you saying sorry for hiding that truth from me. There’s nothing to be sorry about, i didnt care if you had a girlfriend because – you brought me back to life and changed me entirely… you brought me freedom and, i didnt get why you had to say sorry when i wanted to say thank you.

firstly, i had no idea that my loss of desire and passion for life only brought the actress in me out, because.. i was being real every second of my life.. dramatic, with such exhausting rage. And that made me feel… so great in time after my breakdown.

But your arrival brightened everything… You made it all .. sparkle like mad.

Now that youre gone, the only road im always being thrown to, no matter how i approach it with such carelessness and irresponsibility, is to fulfill that childhood dream… not only for myself now, but… for you. It is the only way i can communicate with you. I have no idea what its about yet but… im learning

I wont be here if.. my life has nothing to do with you, ive discovered. And though what i had with you is already considered dead, everytime i feel like killing myself, i couldnt do it.

Because recently ive realized that dying wont wake me up into the world where i experienced love, heaven, with you.. the only sound that could silence my anguish.

What i had with you could never be in the land of the dead…

And then it flashed like lightning:
Because… It is in the land of the living.

MONOLOGUE:

Somewhere in Time – 1980

The man of my dreams is almost faded now.
The one I have created in my mind.
The sort of man each woman dreams of
in her most secret and deepest part of her heart.
I could almost see him now before me.
What would I say to him if he were really here?

Forgive me, I’ve never known this feeling.
I’ve lived without it all my life.
Is it any wonder that I fail to recognize it?
You brought it to me for the first time.
Is there any way I can tell you how my life
has changed?
Anyway at all, to let you know what
sweetness you have given me?
There’s so much to say– and I can’t find
the words– except for these… I love you. …

That is what I would say to him if he were really here.

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