Today is the last entry I publish here of my friend’s diary about the everyday masters:
Today a friend asked me what all my boyfriends have in common. The answer was easy: ME. And when I said this, I realized how much time I have lost looking for the right person – because they change, while I stay the same and get nothing out of what we live together.
What makes me distance myself from men who could be important in my life? The need always to be in control. The odd thing is that when I begin to feel jealous, or when I can no longer stand the amorous relationship, men who were so independent and so full of themselves turn into scared little lambs. They become afraid of losing me. At that moment I can no longer respect them and the relationship becomes impossible.
My friend insisted: “Have you ever loved anyone?” I have always been afraid of that question, but Paulo asked me to write this diary and so I have to give an answer. No, I have never loved anyone. I have had many men but I have always waited for the right person. I have been all round the world and have not managed to find the home that I am looking for. I have been in control and have been controlled, and relationships have never gone beyond that.
Now that I have answered “No, I have never loved anyone,” I feel freer. I see what is missing in my life.
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