“At the beginning of our life and again when we get old, we need the help and affection of others. Unfortunately, between these two periods of our life, when we are strong and able to look after ourselves, we don’t appreciate the value of affection and compassion. As our own life begins and ends with the need for affection, wouldn’t it be better if we gave compassion and love to others while we are strong and capable?”
The above words were said by the present Dalai Lama. Really, it is very curious to see that we are proud of our emotional independence. Evidently, it is not quite like that: we continue needing others our entire life, but it is a “shame” to show that, so we prefer to cry in hiding. And when someone asks us for help, that person is considered weak and incapable of controlling his feelings.
There is an unwritten rule saying that “the world is for the strong”, that “only the fittest survive.” If it were like that, human beings would never have existed, because they are part of a species that needs to be protected for a long period of time (specialists say that we are only capable of surviving on our own after nine years of age, whereas a giraffe takes only six to eight months, and a bee is already independent in less than five minutes).
We are in this world, I, for my part, continue – and will always continue – depending on others. I depend on my wife, my friends and my publishers. I depend even on my enemies, who help me to be always trained in the use of the sword.
Clearly, there are moments when this fire blows in another direction, but I always ask myself: where are the others? Have I isolated myself too much? Like any healthy person, I also need solitude and moments of reflection.
But I cannot get addicted to that.
Emotional independence leads to absolutely nowhere – except to a would-be fortress, whose only and useless objective is to impress others.
Emotional dependence, in its turn, is like a bonfire that we light.
In the beginning, relationships are difficult. In the same way that fire is necessary to put up with the disagreeable smoke – which makes breathing hard, and causes tears to pour down one’s face. However, once the fire is alight, the smoke disappears and the flames light up everything around us – spreading warmth, calm, and possibly making an ember pop out to burn us, but that is what makes a relationship interesting, isn’t that true?
I began this column quoting a Nobel Peace Prize winner about the importance of human relationships. I am ending with Professor Albert Schweitzer, physician and missionary, who received the same Nobel prize in 1952.
“All of us know a disease in Central Africa called sleeping sickness. What we need to know is that there is a similar disease that attacks the soul – and which is very dangerous, because it catches us without being noticed. When you notice the slightest sign of indifference and lack of enthusiasm for your similar, be on the alert!”
“The only way to take precautions against this disease is to understand that the soul suffers, and suffers a lot, when we make it live superficially. The soul likes things that are beautiful and profound”.
I see myself change……from being so very emotionally dependant – on family, friends……reacting with such emotion to even stranger’s remarks…..to being hurt….walling myself off…..the other extreme – not letting myself feel pain- my own or another’s…….to wanting to feel again…..a good emotion – even if it may bring with it hurt, rejection……at least I ‘feel’ again…..alive in my heart …in my soul…
‘Interdependence is a higher value than Independence.’-
from ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’
It takes FAR more courage to be vulnerable and open to those we love and who love us… and it’s not wisdom but fear which persuades us to be emotionally independent…
this makes sense because if we feel we don’t have enough security within who we are, we balk at other’s needs… but if we are connected to Source at a deeply engaged level we are wide open to any and all needs – our own and from others – because we KNOW we are capable and strong.. no, because we KNOW we are Love, incarnate.
And love is the antithesis of fear.
I’ve found a deep truth in this and am so relieved I found it: its come at the most perfect time in my world… am SO SO SO excited.. so many view dependence as a weakness, so this may challenge them deeply, but I’ve just realized that being the conduit for other’s needs is such an immense service!!!!!
What a tremendously exciting challenge: to retain your congruence and sense of self in the face of any demands placed on you by others… this is the precisely doorway/process that most tend to flee….
but it’s not about giving of Self, it’s about giving THROUGH self…. it’s about being able to plug so deeply into Universal Flow that you are not capable of being depleted!!!!
this way, we become Service, incarnate… which is Divine Love,
is it not????
:)
Paulo, I have travelled so far on your words and the reach of your heart, and I bless you for sharing what you do and who you are…
xxx
I have to agree with some of the other comments… while there’s a beauty – soulful and poetic – in sharing ourselves completely with another human being, there’s pain – neither soulful nor poetic – in trying to find the right person to share ourselves with? In a world of superficial relationships, depth is very hard to achieve. Emotional independence is the safe option, and sealing ourselves in that fortress is for far more than impressing others, it is our only real protection in a harsh world.
Thank you for this.
I clicked on it immediately, when I saw the title “Emotional Independace”. As somewhere in my mind i feel as though I am perhaps too dependant on others. Not always to lean on myself, but the need to be needed. To offer advice, to be there , or just be in the company of any one who is remotely like-minded.
I clicked on it immediately, thinking, perhaps without even knowing that I was until i reached the end of the passage, that maybe Paulo would have some words of wisdom on how to be less dependant, more self-reliant, perhaps even less emotional.
For some reason, I already had negative conatations with the sort of behaviour I find myself exhibiting, even yearning for. Being “emotionally dependant”
This doesnt necessarily make you weak. Possibly just the opposite. I believe it takes strength to have willingness to love, and be loved.
A great man once said “The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility”
Light and Love
no one in dis world would like to be emotionally independent….if given a choice.
u become such…only when you have no choice left,no one to depend on…when u have been betrayed,or u have seen betrayal of others who were emotionally dependent..u chose the safer path
a path where you never will be betrayed..cheated…coz u will not let any one do that…coz you are independent…emotionaly independent.
so its obvious soul likes things that are beautiful and profound…but beautiful and profound things should be in the options too….for us to provide to the soul…..
and so to depend emotionally…………..u should have the choice in the first place….
I think that being emotionaly dependent on the wrong person can be destructive, humans can be blinded by their need for affection and compagnionship.
Emotional independence in this case is a safer choice.
Choosing who you emtionaly depend on is a lesson that should be learnt by everyone.
:)
I think paolo’s words do not strike the right balance for me at all. I acknowlsedge that I have some problems relating, but I am Much better at relating when/after I have tended to my deeper self in Solitude: as someone here says, only I know or understand myself (I wish it were other!) and so where to put my Care…
I value others, and am a warm, kind and sharing person, and don’t have a problem with acknowedging that we also need to be dependant on others… Bbut which others? I find it is rare one meets deeply-compatible friends. But I feel it is only these who understand us enough to truly help!
this is my truthat the moment. I do envisage widening my circle of ‘real friends’ for the future…
no man is an island
yup..no one is an island!
I agree that emotional independence is not always in your favour as solitude has a way of consuming itself.But here we must realize that there are times in our life when we need to be alone to give a vent to our emotions.Its not always that people around you exactly understand your state of mind.In that case you have to exercise your own judgement,you have to penetrate your thoughts.
Its only our mind that is the best judge and interpreter of the mystery of our “being”.However there is little doubt that we do not realize this and therefore we sometimes do need the counselling from someone in order to realize our aims.
Hi,
the opposite being emotionally independent is being emotionally dependent. that, rightly said by some one, makes u vulnerable. people perceive u as weak.but deep down one feels that what people perceive as weakness will be strength
even the pain of loosing some one makes u feel that u are deep very deep. and it touches some thing so deep that u know u will never forget it for the rest of life and eternity.so in the same way happiness will some time touch that deep.
some time the emotion are so overwhelming that u are encapsulated it by it no matter where u are….and u forget what you are doing and let them take over……running away is not an option….even if i try i cant….
but there is also a view that one should enjoy your own company….i don’t agree with…..how do u do it i don’t know?
This blog made me think about a hadith of our profet Mohammed,(peace be upon him), which might be translated as “take from you life for your death, (from your health for your sickness) and from your wealth for your pauperness.”
But still people seem to forget that nobody lives forever. We all owe one death. And it is up to us to give a meaning to this death, as it is up to us to give a meaning to our life.
All this mith of “man and superman”, so well illustrated in Andre Malraux books, “La Condition humaine” for example! These days it is a glory not to feel anything. But only a few seem to think that when one listen to the omens and keeps himself in harmony with himself and with the things surrounding him, peace overtakes him and no harm can touch his soul. Why do we have to try to be more than a human in a world of humans?
a timely refelction paulo, as always from you, thanks.
yes we all need to understand that human beings are born to be emotionally dependent, have u noticed this, unless one is intercating with others is depndent on others for fulfillment of one’s emotinal needs, emotions start dying up.
emotinally indepndent actually means emotinally dead ! but then again one should realise that being emotinally dependent is one thing and making a mania out of it is quite another. i have seen people who use emotions to blackmail others ( children are quite expert at that ), that is immature.
lastly, whether it’s better to be emotinally independet or depnedent one can look at lives of enlightned once say buddha, till he was searching, he prefereed to remain emotinally independent but once he had found he came back to the ‘bazzaar’ the world to share his joy, his emotion. same with mahavir and same with zesus too, for zesus i don’t know if anything much is known about his being prior to enlightnement but he shared his enlightnement with anyone who cared / cares to listen.
this whole civilisation is one, an injustice suffred by one member does not happen without the silent support of other memebrs, imagine cells of our body talking about independence, emotional or otherwise.
Liina L, yes no one is alone and only aloneness is !!
love
aditya
p.s. i came to ghana because i realised i would end up sleeping through life if i didnt follow my dreams as once planned… id waited through uni, through illness, through other family stuff… and then one day just decided id go on…and chose where.
the survival of the fittest in the UK was like a scorched tongue of a vulture; the freedom of africa reappealed.
but its interesting, that the whole influence of the West has been adopted in the culture here – and so you can see the beginnings of the pattern of ’survivalism’ shifting to meet this; education! trade! deomcracy! etc etc but its just another race.
………..
most of all i wish to be back in the UK seeing more of my mother – because she is profound and beautiful – and i do still depend on her even at 31
;o)
Chuckle – i just made a comment on the PJ man arguing the opposite … that too much dependence causes too much constriction and hence why i would suggest, conflicts of youth eminate from…
but i enjoy self-sufficiency…
Satish kumar wrote “you are, therefore i am: a declaration of dependence” which i think is a great theory to be bringing into the light…
Although i feel that too much dependence has taken place in my {post- world war} society, thus suffocating individualism, creativity etc.. [and also that i have a personal plight in this life it seems to be granted my indepence as others - gender, generational attitudes etc -]
I know also the great joy of why inter-dependence is important…. the different roles that life shapes for you -as daughter, friend, sister, teacher, student – they all help the soul to grow and breath.
but you do need some seperation in order to allow these lessons to be understood… else we might only see the mirror and not the room, door , road etc..
it is a difficult to maintain that independency, as here in ghana – even the watchman, the landlord, the driver, etc etc etc…. all wish to control my space and so me in it…
it takes the soul of a whale – to dive down deep with little breath, to endure this for more than a year… and i have to return homw, because it would write me off completely…strip down everything ive held on to as a life jacket through illness…
so…im going home, to be dependent.. on the roads i grew up on, the sounds i am familiar with, the culture i remember how to dance to, et al… !!! ;O)
I agree.
We can’t become totally independent, because that is not a humans way. It’s good, if we can roam around the world on our own, but we also need other people around us. Although it’s not a good idea to cling on people either. Nothing, that’s over the top, is usually good for us. Any extremes are rather bad than good, in most cases.
Just yesterday I thought about it, in the evening. And it’s another “coincidence” that this posting just appeared. Thank You! At times, we really need to do “our own thing”. We need to do what’s neccecary, and the things we want to do aswell. But at the same time, while doing those things, we have to think of others. We can’t stay secluded in the bubble.
Yes, as Paulo said – at times we all need a moment to reflect, time for ourselves. I agree. But we can’t hide from the people and world that we live around. We need them. And they need us. It’s the humanly way.
I have thanked for so much things/happenings last past weeks (in my mind and in the word), because I am deeply grateful for everything that has happened to me. And I am very thankful I have so many good and nice people surrounding me.
I wish You all the best!
And I also wish You the knowledge how to use Your independency and at the same time stay touch with everything around You, that matters as well.
You are not alone.
Love,
Liina.L
I am emotionaly dependent and therefore sometimes very vulnerable, but I would not change it even if I have to suffer because it would deprive me of the core of my being.
Last sentence I like the best: “The soul likes things that are beautiful and profound” and it makes us better and happier persons.
Love
Luce