How do we know if we should try to help someone or if we should walk away?
I think that there’s no true answer for this. But I take it from another perspective : how far are you willing to go for someone who is lost? How far can you walk away from your path in order to “help” someone who doesn’t want to be helped?
In The Alchemist, I use the metaphor of the sheperd : sometimes we sacrifice the whole flock for a single sheep. Is it worth it?
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
I learnt something sort of similar from a course about teaching young children.
If a child dashes out of the classroom unexpectantly, make sure that you call help to look after those remaining and make sure they are safe, before you run out to rescue the missing child.
This initial question and subsequent posts has helped me clarify difficulties I’ve had with this exact issue for a long time.
As a child I was taught others needs where more important than my own and so I always try to be helpful to be the ‘good’ child.
Ironically whenever I needed help, comfort or reassurance I didn’t receive it only to be told I was selfish (go figure!). This conditioning has totally screwed me up. I have helped friends and lovers and strangers to my own considerable cost. I have lost jobs, opportunities and only in a few exceptions has my help been acknowledged and returned. I have learnt the hard way to only give what I am willing to lose. Many of these people wanted help from another so they didn’t have to learn and fix problems that they themselves had created (almost always), they wanted to remain the victim and it suited them to be powerless. I realise there are elements of that within my experience also.
Plus everyone needs to find their own path to healing, just because we can relate to another’s pain and hurt doesn’t mean it will be healed the same way.
Having said all that the kindest acts of compassion I have experienced have come from strangers and are usually no more than a brief intense connection, recognition & acknowledgement of who I am and the situation I am in.
This is what I will aim to pass on in the future when I feel a call to help.
‘Open your arms wide to life but keep tight hold on your values’
Blessings
Uriel
that`s also true, it deends always on which kind of help we`re talking about
i`d say to try to help someone in beeing an insiration, to finally start to get the master of his own life a bit more, bits by bits isn`t wrong
but i often do hear: oh, no i can`t, i have no time, tell me about it but better tell me i am all right with what i am doing and thinking..
that makes one too tired for the important things.
To “reverberated light”
I get what you are saying..many times one may be fooled by circumstances..but you also never know how badly one may need the help when one is asking…..and how great a difference you could make….Reminds me of a bit from Mother Theresa’s book – A woman carrying a baby begged many for money….everyone she asked told her that she should earn it, work for it, she was young, begging was wrong – tired she finally reached a shelter….and by the time the nun reached out to help her, her baby was no more.
You never know how much someone may need the assistance.
I think the voice within tells you what to do.
Thank you Thelma and Paul. I will continue to follow my heart.
Love,
Eric
Dear Eric, there is a quote saying that we do not chose our parents or relatives. We just have to accept them and love them as they are.
Then it goes to our friends, that we chose them according to our standards, morals and ethics.
‘Similar to the similar’, in Greek ‘Ομοιος, ομοίω αεί πελάζει’, οr ‘Show me your friend, to tell you who.. you are’.
LOVE,
Thelma
I have dealt with this issue recently. My father is going to prison soon. I have continued to love him despite watching him lie,steal, and verbally abuse. His sense of self-worth is based on how much money he has and will stop at nothing to get what he wants ( a small scale Bernie Madoff).He told me when I was a boy that”he believes in man not god”. He is too proud to accept advise from me.He is also jealous of my personal successes in life ( so I’ve heard). I’ve told him I love him many times but walked away recently after learning about more “scams” he pulled. I feel pain not guilt for walking away. It’s been a year since I last talked to him but still feel the tremendous urge to try and get through to him. I rationalize that I am helping him with my silent disapproval.
Eric
Orly-you bring teara to my eyes-with your beautiiful and kind comment-thank you ,I agree with you -reaching out to people and writing about it may bring support -like yours and helpful energy Breda
Dear Thelma,
Paul from Austria
and others,
I enjoy reading
your pretty comments.
Thanks for expressing
your heart & love ;-)
SefeR
Just by your Heart and HIS/HER Eyes!and you will know it…
but to help someone is not meening allways,to give him/her what is asking vor ,just as to act in his/her benefit!
Love,
Mirela(the woman in elevator)
Estimado Alex:
Todos, nos cuestionamos ¿debemos o no ayudar? quiero compartirte algo que acabo de aprender, hace un instante, al respecto:
Que no puedan mas todos los cuestionamientos del mundo, que tu deseo de ayudar cuando si asi lo deseas, atrevete con coraje, puede no ser lo correcto para otros, pero ésta ya no es una decision de los demas sino tuya.
Cree, si tu estas bien los demas estaran bien y si los demas entan bien tu estaras bien…Hazlo asi, asi funciona el bien comun.
Y si te equivocas afrontalo, pero habra valido la pena hacerlo. No crees? Un momento de felicidad vale por estar hoy vivos.
Un fuerte abrazo,
maestro.
dear Breda
i feel ur feeling and i can understand ur zahir, and i think its ok to write on this blog ur feeling,
u never know one day things might change and u might get some surprise with advise,,, so if u think it makes u feel beeter -Y not write,
i wish for u -one day to solve the situation, and i hope one day ur zahir will open his eyes and – be for the better change,
be strong
orly
I believe in Gaia-The Earth; SHE is alive. There is pattern in all.
A person who wants or needs your help will be there asking for it in their own way. You just need to listen. But if you come across someone who does not seem ready for your help, you could none the less plant a seed, give them something to ponder on without expectations. When they are ready they will either come back to you or you will have helped them move forward enough to find the right person to help them. Tjis can be hard as you may imagine you know what they are going thru and wish they would just listen to you but they have their own journey to travel just as you have yours. They may need to experience something in order to find the next step. xx
Dear Sefer JAN, very wisely expressed. Thank you.
LOVE,
Thelma
“Peut-etre que l’amour c’est ce mouvement par lequel je te ramene doucement vers toi-meme.” A. de Saint-Exupery
“Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost
“Tell me who admires you and loves you and I will tell you who you are.”A. de Saint Exupery”
to strengh and spirit
i`d say it`s not about walking away and saying : i don`t care
ive been so many times asked for help, but in the end i couldn`t. when you start join this helping game you must be aware that the other one eventully doesn`t want to change a little thing in his life, he only wants to have people to join his game (of course thats not always the case) but deep in our souls everyone knows the answers, it`s just most people are to lazy to travel this path. but then again, that`s their desicion.
I think when somebody needs help, our heart will tell it to us.
We can help him/her in 3 ways, by our actions, by our words and by our wishes.
I think everybody should help anyone who needs help, when there is an opportunity to do so.
SefeR ;-)
How can you walk away when someone actually asks for your help? How? And how can it be ok to do that?
I will say a thing that would made others see me crazy.For my dearest friend,I think I should go to the farthest point,only to help him.Thats me,cant help.
We were put here on this Earth to love one another and ourselves. We have to try. We must pay attention to our soul, our love, and we must try, even when it seems like a losing battle. This is after all the essence of love, to give. The challenge is in knowing who we are called to help and the degree to which we are called to give. Sometimes, it is a moment (giving up a seat on the subway, helping an elderly person shovel his driveway) and sometimes it is giving a lifetime (a husband, a wife, a child with sickness). But the beauty is in each moment when we choose to love, to give, to ourselves and others that we and the world become a better place, filled with grace. This is part of our battle, isn’t it?
Love,
Kelly
Dear Alexandra Gn ,I think I understand you. Some person has really negative influence on others,taking the good energy and optimism away.Is worst if is a relative,because we are tempted to help at any cost.But,we must think at our life too,we are as important as others.Is not selfishness taking care of our peace of mind,I guess.All the best,take care,hope you will solve the problem at the best.A nice week end to everybody.
what does helping mean?
telling someone his path is wrong?
showing someone that the way he travels his road is a wrong way?
who are we to give another one this feeling?
what about changing the perspective:
to have respect for the other one`s chosen way..
give him the feeling it`s all his choice and therefore what could be wrong in following his very own way?
a little complicated question,
i think it depends,,,,
for my family- i ll DO ANYTHING ANITHING till the end of the horizon- to help- even they dont ask and dont want!! (in my case they r always ready to get help),i will do it for the love of my life!!! but thats about it,
i will ever help but till certain limit- for anybody else!
but for that sheep in ur book- he went to save it,,never mind the risk!
and it reminds me an Israely soldier rite now in prison— by the enemy-that i will risk all- but i would save him!!!!!!!
so i can understand when he saves the sheep!!!
I am in the situation where sacrificing the whole flock would mean selling the family home,seperating from my childrens’ father to get my youngest son (now 21) to consider talking to me again after 3 years. He slipped away to ive in another country-totally out of contact with his siblings also. He has good reason to be angry but this ‘punishment’ towards me doesn’t fit the crime I think.I respect his boundary he needs the space from us but it is very painful. He says I can’t have it both ways -its either him or his father in my life,so painful for me.He is my Zahir but I try not to get obsessed.He doesn’t have a home place now.(I am very unsure if it is Okay to write this in the blog)
All The Way -Frank Sinatra lyrics
When somebody loves you
Its no good unless he loves you – all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you – all the way
Taller than the tallest tree is
Thats how its got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue see is
Thats how deep it goes – if its real
When somebody needs you
Its no good unless he needs you – all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in between years – come what may
Who know where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if youll let me love you
Its for sure Im gonna love you – all the way, all the way
If one are filled with a strong, loving and joyful force inside * I consider it as a right desicion to help out.
Do not harm,either by helping or walking away.
You must have Agape love to help: do not know what kind of help you can offer, what the problem is that the person is going through: Invalid, depression, lack of enthusiasm. We all know that these are demonic, Satan comes into our lives to kill, steal and cheat. We can help these people prayed and worshiping the Lord. Because if we help we are stunting the healthy development, this person has to bottom out and seek their own development. For example: Veronica decides to die – Dr. Igor treated with his method and it worked. Helped to appreciate life, because she thought he was going to die soon.
We know that helping the other by right and white method, I think of Dr. Igor method is best and quick. Because as said Mr. Paulo : how far are you willing to go for someone who is lost? How far can you walk away from your path in order to “help” someone who doesn’t want to be helped? . This someone had to find he o she own way to grow, and, ought to know the limit of he or she situation. We may teach them by our example and behavior. Jesus – Can help you to find strenght but It’s difficult to walk to far in this, Jesus was sacrificed once and forever to save all, the miragro was done and performed. If that person is not progressing because it is possessed by the devil. Please look after you self, and help this person to find the true of live.
munrocea:
I believe, we actually CAN say those things, as You mentioned in Your post:
We can easily say “oh i have been there”, or “i know how you may be feeling”… because this path of agape love strangely carries us all along a sibgle unique path – such is its strength and capacity!
Yes. I believe we CAN. If we have enough of empathy, and if we let agape in us. But I know someone who doesn’t believe in it. He claims that a person can never feel exactly the same as the one that is in a poor condition/situation or who just needs help. He claims this does not exist.
Yes, I agree, we can’t feel EXACTLY like the other person, because basically we are not the other person. We are US, ourselves. But we can imagine, or look it through the other persons eyes. Their life will never be exactly our life, but we are able to understand and feel like the other person.
Why else the people who help others, like Jessica, for example, can have breakdowns on their own. I’m not saying that this is her case, but when a person is connected to another persons soul, they may also be warn out by whatever that is in the other person.
So not all want to do it… and then they can claim that it’s not possible. And I believe that he just hasn’t experienced real agape. He has just put up a wall to protect his beliefs and doesn’t want to step over the threshold.
If we know ourselves, believe and love, and if we dare to live, then we can do almost anything. And we will also get in touch of our soul and others, to know, when to help someone and when it’s better to be left on the persons own shoulders, who needs that help. Maybe they need to find it on their own. Maybe they have to change something in themselves to find the solution. We can be there for them, but they have to choose to be helped or to find the help itself on their own. We will know that, hopefully, what to do.
I hope we all recieve the wisdom to do that.
Love,
Liina L.
I’ve just been in a situation that exploded in my face.I have a grandmother that, I thought, needed help but it turned out that she is so mean and bad that she doesn’t want to be helped, and more: wants to hurt people around her. She was mean since ever, but I have a big heart and always thought that she’ll change. She hurt me as a child but I hoped she’ll no longer do it. She was in need and left alone by everyone,cause she did harm to all of her relatives and friends, and I took her in my new family. Now I am responsible for a lot oh pain and anger between my future mother-in-law and my future husband, between my mother and me, my sister and me. But they will forgive some time. Now I’ve decided to no longer help her. She damages every soul and mind she gets in contact with. Some one told me she’s evil and that she did many unchristian things in her youth. Now I believe it. I hope I’ll be ok and that these things won’t affect me in the future. They affected me so much till now. I seeked council and my boss Diana told me to read this blog. Thank you Diana and many thanks to all of you!
Sometimes I wonder the same thing.What about listening to our heart?If we feel that is not the right thing walking away.we can turn back and help the person who is asking us to help.Now,depends a lot of the emergency,if the thing can be postponed.Of course,we must respect our limits,useless wishing to bring the moon when we are not able to do that.Sometimes I suffer if happens to be not able to help a person as much as I wish,but,if I did all my best,I guess I must not feel guilty.Happens also that if we help a person too soon,we take away the chance of that one to do it alone.Possible that somebody is not aware about his own qualities and thats why ask for help.And,last but not least,maybe our help would be the thing that change destiny for worst.I remember the novel “A portrait of a Lady” by Henry James,where the generous act of giving fortune to the young poor girl was only attracting a greedy husband,that treated her badly.
This speaks directly to my heart this morning.
I wonder this same thing. Several of my friends pose similar questions: How far will you go? How long will you wait? How many sacrifices will you make?
It seems to me that the answer to this question is highly individual and depends greatly on how strong the person feels in their own path. I knew one lady once who was a psychologist, and who deemed herself as “highly spiritual” – to hear her speak of it, her walk with God was of supreme importance in her life, so much so that she was about to become “enlightened” at just any moment. And yet, even in her professional life, she was highly selective in terms of who she would allow herself to associate with. She only wanted to help others who, like herself, were “highly spiritual,” and if it seemed that any person was dealing with “evil” or “demons” in their psychological life, she would refuse them as a patient. In other words, if anyone had at all “strayed from the flock” or “veered from the path,” she was not willing to go even a few yards to find them and bring them back. I once questioned her about this, and her reply was that she could not afford to entangle herself in their “negative karmas.” In essence, she felt that, whatever “evil” had beset them and driven them from their path, would inevitably attack her too and attempt to interrupt her walk with God. I always counted this almost superstitious attitude as an extreme weakness on her part – how could you not help those who needed your help the most? How could you claim to have God-given gifts and yet be so highly selective in who you thought was worthy of receiving the benefit of those gifts? If you counted yourself as being so spiritually strong – so close to God – how could you be so afraid of being lured from your path? Her self-righteousness, combined with her judgement of and refusal to help those that she deemed “unworthy” was truly more than I could abide. Often I would try to remind her of Jesus, and how he had not hung out in a circle of priests and sages – rather, the opposite, he went far out of his way to befriend the drunkards, criminals and gamblers of his day. Apparently Jesus had no fear of being led astray, or of going too far out of the way and thereby losing his way back to the path.
So why do we act so differently. Why are we so eager to abandon others if they stumble and fall by the way?
I have a friend who, at this moment in his life, seems so entangled in the negative aspects of existence that he cannot be reached – drugs, crime, pornography, etc. – and he is about to be sentenced to prison. “Why do you still speak to him, why would you bother with him?” I am asked. Everywhere are voices eager to remind me, “You are better then that.” And I know that I am better off than he is – that point is clear: his life at present is a hell-hole, a sewer ditch, and I see him very clearly, flailing and wallowing and screaming, unable to get out of it. His life is a pit of misery and hopelessness. And he is, indeed, completely unreachable at the moment. And yet, the “demons” that possess him do not frighten me. Even if nothing can be done at this moment – even if he is not yet ready to be led out of that ditch – that day might still come, and it costs me nothing to wait for it. On the day that he goes to prison, I will be sitting in the back of that courtroom – not that I think he is “innocent” and deserves to walk free, but merely to show him that someone out there does support him and believe in him on some deeper level: someone yet believes in his potential to turn his life around and become all that he can be. And when he is in prison, I shall write to him, to this affect: encouraging him to see that the struggle isn’t over; indeed, the real battle hasn’t even begun yet. Encouraging him to take up his sword and fight. And at the end of those two years, if he walks out of those doors and sets out upon the same mistaken path, sets out again at a head-long run away from the flock, THEN I shall deem the attempt a defeat. I will say that one sheep got away and simply went too far to be be brought back – one sheep would not be saved.
I think we have to ask ourselves one key question: What does it cost me to attempt to help this person. Sometimes the only cost is our own pride, and in that case, the chase is well worth it.
Each one of us comes to life with a destiny, a Karma to fulfill. On our journey we may meet people in need of help, suffering. We feel the desire to help. To help him carry his ‘cross’. By trying to do that we interfere with the other person’s destiny. We must be strong and able to .. pass the suffering upwards. To ask for God’s help. The TRINITY. Then at once the help is given. It is not the people who perform the miracles. It is the HOLY SPIRIT, through us, as Jesus has said to the Apostles, giving them the power to speak all languages and perform miracles, through faith and love.
LOVE,
Thelma.
I learnt something sort of similar from a course about teaching young children.
If a child dashes out of the classroom unexpectantly, make sure that you call help to look after those remaining and make sure they are safe, before you run out to rescue the missing child.
p.s. I’m going to reread The Alchemist tonight… :)
this is a tough call.
you may empathise with someone, but can you really give the spiritual help that person may need – are you giving help from the position of agape love, eros love, philos love..?
does that person wish to even be open to this help? maybe we take emotional dependency too far and in doing so, undermine the space where silence can heal the person or where the spiritual lesson will be learnt by the person in their own time.
However, defining help: we don’t have to be giving qualified counselling advise and support; just a conversation or a joke can be means of connection that can ‘help’…
and this is all – in my view – coming from agape love…
and this love i think grows in each person over time and as they mature – with life, lessons and experiences.
We can easily say “oh i have been there”, or “i know how you may be feeling”… because this path of agape love strangely carries us all along a sibgle unique path – such is its strength and capacity!
There is – in my view – no need thus for one to ‘stray’ of their path IF you are approaching with agape love…. for what destination is there if not one of unity, balance, wholeness.
and so yes – i would say the whole flock can take care of itself whilst the shepherd goes back for the lost one. [+ Get a sheep dog or two - "man's best friend" ;o)]
x
Dear Paulo,
Amazing, thank you. I understand totally. Thank you for this as it is something I really struggle with, not knowing where the boundaries lie.
I often get burned trying to help someone and I wonder whether I am right to do this even though I put myself and others in a volatile position trying to help one person that often seems as though they don’t want to be helped, which causes more pain to myself and my family.
I will now deeply consider my position in the future before thinking I can help people as it often leaves me in a very fragile position and also very hurt by the persons actions when all I wanted to do is offer a hand of support and love. I know I need to work on understanding the difference between those that are by my side for good and for those who are there to cause me harm. Thank you for answering the question that repeatedly goes around in my mind looking for an answer!!! :)
Thank you, thank you thank you!
Much love
Alex