I would like to hear your opinion on forgiving and forgetting. When people hurt you: do you forgive and forget? Or do you just forgive but don’t forget?
People who tend to be seen as good – usually forgive and forget. But I don’t think that this is a question of being good or evil – I think the point is about being just. So maybe the tendency to forgive and forget those that have hurt us is not necessarily a good thing. Because if we don’t do anything to people that hurt us – they will probably continue on hurting others.
This is the way I see it and I would like to hear you about this subject and also your own experiences.
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I really like the questions your asking. They make me think about my own life and past.
So I have to admit that I am not good at forgiving things neither am I good at forgetting things that have been done to me.
Sometimes I wish I would be but then again there are these moments, when I stumble across the people and circumstances that have hurt me once so bad that I cannot forget now.
And I’m painfully realizing that they don’t feel the slightest bit of remorse or shame. They smile into my face and tell me about their lives not knowing how much time I needed to come to my feet again after they’ve pushed me around for so long.
That’s the reason I start to get angry.
Indeed I think that anger is the one thing that keeps us all from forgiving and finally forgetting things. As long as we are angry, so long we may not be able to have a closure. As long as we are not able to smile back, when we meet the people who hurt us, so long we won’t be released.
Now you may say that overcoming anger cant be too difficult and long-lasting. But it is.
It is the hardest thing on earth. It’s like trying to catch a star and learning to fly at the same time.
Sometimes it’s just impossible.
We have to be strong and we may need a lot of confederates in order to succeed. Often confederates are these kind of people which wont let you down, your family and friends, people that support you.
Anyways I would advise everybody to try to be strong and forgive and forget. Because your anger can easily eat you up to the point where you are no longer able to concentrate on anything else than your feeling of hatred and fury.
Me, myself I’m actually trying now, thinking I’m on a good way since I know that my parents and friends are really keeping me up.
En mi opinión, creo que depende de las situaciones que nos pasan en nuestra vida…hay veces en las cuales quizás olvidamos y perdonamos, otras veces en que olvidamos y no perdonamos, otras veces en que perdonamos y no olvidamos y, bueno, quizás hay más “alternativas”.
a lo mejor son estas alternativas las que nos ayudan a construirnos también con las personas, como ha dicho mucha gente, nos da experiencia…
En mi caso, perdono y no olvido…pero hay otras que no vale la pena recordar.
Dios dijo: “ama a tu prójimo como a ti mismo”…perdonar es un acto de amor…y creo que Dios nos ha perdonado, pero también nos ha enseñado. ¿por qué cuando alguien nos ahce daño y perdonamos no lo “ayudamos a ver el error que cometió”?…a lo mejor si..pero creo que no muchas personas…
quizás el perdón en nosotros tiene límites y el olvido no…y es lo que nos hace humanos.Dios no tiene límites en su perdón…y puede ser que no olvida para que no sigamos cometiendo errores, y nos pone obstáculos para ello…
y…creo que olvidar, no significa mirar atrás y decir…”ya no importa, porque ya pasó”
saludos
Hola Paulo, mucho gusto!! =)
Creo que la memoria es un don que Dios quiso que tuvieramos con nosotros en todo momento; es increíble como nos permite registrar en ella los momentos felices, así como los dolorosos…tiene una razón de ser que no debe ser cuestionada, somos humanos y contamos con ese registro en nuestro cerebro que nos ayuda a no cometer de nuevo los mismos errores una y otra vez (bueno al menos creo que cada intento sirve de algo).
Así que creo que el no olvidar las faltas que alguien de manera deliberada o no, haya cometido en contra de nosotros, eso nos permite aprender, estudiar, reflexionar acerca de nuestros sentimientos y encontrarnos mas preparados cada vez para una nueva prueba, esa experiencia aunque dolorosa nos pone en contacto con nosotros mismos y a su vez al aprender a respetarnos, enseñamos a los otros a respetar…y viceversa.
A mi punto de vista el no olvidar no impide, ni excluye el perdonar…
Perdonar es un acto distinto que viene de la aceptación, de reconocer que somos seres humanos y que no somos perfectos, que el riesgo siempre existió, que alguien nos podría lastimar y lo hizo.
Dependiendo de nuestra escala de valores y prioridades podremos darle una nueva entrada a esa persona o no, pero el perdonar nos da una nueva luz, una nueva oportunidad de vivir la vida con libertad, aceptando las incertidumbres sin olvidar el dolor padecido.
Hi dear Paulo:
I’ve learned that we’ve come to this world to learn and love. I believe that everything and every person come to our life for a specific reason, so when I’m hurt by somebody, I know that he/she has come to teach me, and sometimes I think that I should be even thankful to him/her. I can remember memories if I want, but they don’t hurt me anymore. I’ve learned it over time, in the past, when I was hurt, I couldn’t forgive or forget easily.
Hi, Paulo! I admire very much your books , arrive in my heart and soul .Ai this charm that I want to feel it and really, really know you, admire you! I want to tell you something about this issue: I believe that forgiveness is the best thing we can do spirit our team we are, for as God said to forgive if we want to be forgiven. But our souls and we humans do not always like that, sometimes pain causes us some people remain in spirit forever. And I feel this feeling now, and I can say that I forgive, but the soul does not forget.
My opinion.
I think we should forgive but never forget. Not to forget so we can learn from the experience so it does not happen over and over again.
That’s what i think,BUT i have not learn how to forgive i felt i was really bad aggravated by my own father and i try to forgive him and have a relationship back with him but then he fail again and i couldn’t handle it. I am not hating him, or something like that; i think i broke contact with him so i don’t get hurt again[like a shell for protection, i think]. I think that if he is not going to make something positive in my life then i don’t need him to be around me just messing everything up just to hurt my mom.
it’s not about forgive and forget…but, it’s all about how we want to handle the situation.Most of us cannot leave what has happen to them in their lives. Some situation made us stuckin in that scenario untill they cannot breath easily if their remember that part.Sometimes its good and hard to remember.All is going on in our lives need time to forget.Although its a painful memories but, we must accept natures life.The principle of human being always came with karmas and it is what happen in forgive and forget.Breathing first than, you’ll set free.Mean,forgiveness is a best way to forget.TQ…
The concept of forgiveness is attractive. Nobody wants to carry anger and hate on their shoulders through life. So, we all want to forgive the hurts done to us. Also, those of us who are Christians pray in the Lord’s Prayer that our sins be forgiven as we forgive those who trespass against us. Certainly that puts it up to us to determine to forgive others who hurt us, intentionally or otherwise – as we ourselves have done.
But, the effort to forgive is made easier or more difficult for us by the person who hurt us. When you suffer betrayal from someone you loved deeply that betrayal is hard to forgive. And if the person concerned shows little or no remorse for the pain they caused, and if they are manipulative and selfish…well then, it’s very hard to forgive them. You can make a decision to forgive them and pray for help to forgive them, but it’s very hard work. And I don’t think it’s possible to forget, to ensure that the incidents and acts involved will never happen back into your memory. You can only decide to try and forgive, to try and forget, and when the memories and dark times recur without your wishing them to do so, then you have to turn your mind away from those thoughts and refuse to dwell on them. It’s not a matter of pulling a switch. It’s much more complicated than that and requires a consistent and determined act of will. Over time it gets easier. But deep pain in the psyche is like a wound that heals but leaves scars that can flare up when you least expect them to do so. We need help and support as human beings, from our friends, from those we love, from prayer if we believe in a God in any way. What we can achieve in forgiveness depends on all these things, not on our selves alone in our vulnerability. And it depends on the depth of the hurt and how close the person who inflicted it was/is to us.
There is much joy in life, much that is beautiful. Love and joy are the antidote to the bad things that happen to us along the way. They keep the balance. Not everyone has those in abundance. Those of us who have love and beauty and joy in our lives owe compassion and support to those who do not.
I’ll stop now before I get too preachy!
How can you forgive when your heart is broken?
Until we don’t forgive, we can’t move on with our life. We will never forget the painful moments…..because the wound and pain is still there in our heart. It can only be healed by Time, Unconditional Love and Forgiveness….even than the ‘mark’ will be always there. So no, we can’t forget.
It is not an easy task to forgive, I know, but if you want to be free you have to let go, otherwise Life will be painful no matter which path we will take…we will get stuck in the darkness of fear, anger, etc.
During this life, many ‘Obstacle’ will cross our path….and if we want to live in Love, Harmony and Peace with ourselves….we need to forgive, not for one time, but over and over again…
Forgiveness is one thing,forgetting is another. Total forgiveness, if there’s one, is forgiving the one who did us wrong and letting go of all the hurt to “forget” land. It’s a hard thing to muster but then it’s being kind to yourself.
Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another. We may claim to have forgiven on who has wronged us but we get stuck with the memory and the hurt plays again. It’s not easy to forgive and forget. I think it’s not total forgiveness if every recall of the person and the hurt s/he caused us still makes us feel the same way before. When you forgive, learn to forget. Liberate yourself from the bad memories of people and hurts. -that’s being kind to yourself!
No one can forget, but we can forgive. When we approve that we’re capable of letting go it means that we forgive but you won’t forget (memories will chase you because it’s a part of our lives) and it might be a good or a bad one :)
I agree with you. I have forgiven many times in different aspects, love, family matters etc, but have not forgotten of the ones that hurt the most. I just wish i could forget.
Yes, I agree with Paolo, if we forgive too easily, then those who hurt us will go on hurting us because they do not know the impact of their actions. I believe that when we forgive, we do it for ourselves because it sets us free…free from obsessing about what happened…over and over again. However, we will never forget what has been done to us especially if it causes significant pain…The pain gets less intense with time. Not forgetting will also help us to regain self respect and will not allow others to treat us badly again
I believe in Karma. People who intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone need to own their behavior. If they recognize the pain they caused they owe it to the other peron to have courage and be honest and apologize. If they love the person, then they must do all they can to stop the behavior, if they cannot they must allow the other person to decide to leave. But in times like this, it is imperative to be honest so that trust can be built again. Either way, they will be repaid for the hurt they caused in one way or another…It is just the way karma works
i don’t know what the “love” part is all about, but i would forgive and forget if people would leave me alone
Cześć Paulo. Jak trudno jest zapomnieć =tak trudno jest wybaczyć.
I fully agree with you on this subject. I always forgive – because I want to free myself from the hatred. But there are things that I never forget. There are things that should not ever be forgotten in order to protect yourself from further harm.
Taking care of yourself and your soul is the most important thing you have to do in this life. If you don’t take care of yourself and give yourself the respect that you should – you will not be able to give anything to anyone someday. Because without yourself – you have nothing.
“PERDONAR”
ES FACIL DECIRLO Y MUY DIFICIL SENTIRLO, PARA OTORGARLO, “OLVIDAR” ES TAN DIFICIL BORRAR O REMENDAR UNA HERIDA TAN PROFUNDA (MAS CUANDO TIENES PIEL ALCALOIDE);PERO NOS CONVERTIMOS EN CIRUJANOS PLASTICOS PARA INTENTAR DE ESTAR MEJOR ANTE EL AMOR,LA VIDA Y LA SOCIEDAD.
PERDONAMOS PERO NO OLVIDAMOS EL DAÑO, PORQUE DE EL APRENDEMOS A ENMENDARNOS.
This is the topic i’ve been thinking for years. i had problem with forgiving. someone told me that
‘Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving means learn how to love those who hurt you’
And this just make sense. Like people said, learn from experience. Forgiving is not easy. but who are we that we don’t forgive people but God himself forgive our sins.
I believe in forgiving and forgetting .
Most of the times when we were hurt or harmed ,its by people who are close . When we say close ,there exist LOVE . I do understand the pain and hurt . But if we LOVE , we would forgive and forget .
Though we are not divine , we are human to love :-)
Forgive and… ? Forgive and what? What was the other one? Oh dear… I can’t remember!
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/04/13/forgiving-and-forgetting/
‘Everything which is done in the present, affects the future by consequence, and the past by redemption.’ — Paulo Coelho
‘To bless the people who have oppressed our spirits, emotionally deprived us, or in other ways handicapped us, is the most extraordinary work any of us will do.’ — Elizabeth O’Connor
‘To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.’ — C S Lewis
Vengeance is a dish best served cold. When we are wronged, we wish to right the wrong, wreak vengeance on the person who wronged us. But if we take that route, it becomes a never ending cycle. The only way to break the cycle is through forgiveness.
We have seen the breakup of the former Yugoslavia. Once the iron grip of Tito was no longer there, old feuds and animosities came to the surface. Never again was the Serbs going to allow Croats or Muslims to occupy Serb soil. During the Second World War, the Croats sided with the Germans, even the Germans were shocked by the atrocities committed by the Croat Nazis. The last war the Serbs fought with the Muslims led to five centuries of Turkish rule, ie roughly twice the length of time the US has existed.
Lewis Smedes:
Breaking the cycle was what Desmond Tutu understood at the end of apartheid in South Africa.
Nelson Mandela broke the chain of ungrace when he came out of prison and spoke of forgiveness and reconciliation, not revenge.
After the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was urged to wreak vengeance on the defeated South. He responded: ‘Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends’.
After the First World War, punitive reparations were imposed on the defeated Germany. This led directly to the rise of Adolf Hitler and the Second World War. Lessons were learnt and the victorious Allies embarked on a massive reconstruction programme in war ravaged Germany.
John Paul II nearly died at the hands of an assassin. John Paul II visited his assassin in prison and told him he forgave him.
If, as Gandhi once observed, everyone followed the eye-for-an-eye principle of ‘justice’, the whole world would eventually be blinded.
Forgiveness, as Lewis Smedes noted, changes ones relationship with the person who imposed the hurt, may even change the guilty party:
Many people confuse forgiveness with forgetting. The two are not the same. We may forgive but it does not mean we have to forget.
Many things should not be forgotten. Should we forget the Holocaust or the Armenian Genocide committed by Turkey (a genocide over which Turkey is still in denial)?
Nor is forgiving the same as avoiding justice, that punishment is meted out for a crime. Forgiveness is not the same as a pardon.
If we are unable to forgive we become consumed with hatred and bitterness that eventually destroys our soul.
In The Devil and Miss Prym, the stranger walks into the village with the Devil at his side. His inability to forgive has let his soul darken, enabled the Devil to enter his soul.
We must never forget the most merciful. In remembering the most merciful 1 can forgive anyone everything for we ourselves are contantly needing this same forgiveness.
As for forgetting…..it is so much about forgetting whats been forgiven but remembering that we’ve forgotten alot!!
We must never forget that the most merciful. In remembering the most merciful 1 can forgive anyone everything for we ourselves are contantly needing this same forgiveness.
As for forgetting…..it is so much about forgetting whats been forgiven but remembering that we’ve forgotten alot!!
I believe you can do one or the other. If you forgive then you give that person a second chance so remembering will help you avert or deal with the situation if it happens again. If you don’t forgive then it is likely that you and that person will go your separate ways so forgetting and moving on is better.
I agree with you – it’s nonesence to forgive and not forget whatever and whoever has caused you the unpleasant feeling. Forgive and forget. More than to the other person, it’s one good favor you actually can do for yourself and it’s one thing that you deserve. when you’re free from the hatred and hurt that’s the only time you can view the world and your life clearly and beautifully. It’s a tall order, I know. But come to think of it, all the negativity of our life today are born out of every bad experiences in the past that called for total forgiveness but we cramped up ourselves “enjoying” the wrath and hurt. Total forgiveness-i.e. forgiving and forgetting is like taking out our sunglasses to enjoy and appreciate what is around us including our place in it. Now, if you’re afraid of being betrayed and hurt again by the same person, you can set your distance from any possibility of the same situation without compromising the re-established relationship – guard yourself!
‘Forgiveness is a door to peace and happiness. It is a small, narrow door, and cannot be entered without stooping. It is also hard to find. But no matter how long the search, it can be found.’ — Johann Christoph Arnold
‘He who cannot forgive another breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.’ — George Herbert
‘The strongest argument in favour of grace is the alternative, a world of ungrace. The strongest argument for forgiveness is the alternative, a permanent state of unforgiveness.’ — Philip Yancey
Two excellent books on forgiveness that I’d highly recommend: What’s So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey and Why Forgive? by Johann Christoph Arnold. These are two writers who like Paulo Coelho are able to communicate with the Soul of the World.
William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice:
Keith
Nosé si algún día leeras mi respuesta, sobre todo porque veo que estoy muyyyy abajo. Igualmente me gustaría contestar. Primero que nada, SE PUEDE OLVIDAR??? Creo que todos lo intentamos, pero no creo que haya muchos testigos que hayan logrado pasar al otro lado. Perdonar es quizás un tanto más fácil.Si te digo como llegué a esta página, te doy directamente mi rta a tu pregutna.Llegada la noche de hoy,cuando todos estaban durmiendo, y quedaba yo sola con la luna y el silencio, volví a recordar (como me pasa cada vez qe veo o esucho su nombre,siento su perfume,veo sus fotos) aquella persona que me hizo mal y que yo tantoo quería y admiraba.Escribí en el buscador “Is it possible to forget a person who hurt us?”.Y llegué a esta página. Nunca entendí porque esta persona me hirió tanto, lo peor de todo es que Yo debería haber sido la ofendida. En fin…YO PUDE PERDONAR,aunque nunca me lo haya pedido,PERO NO PUEDO OLVIDAR.
Is it actually possible to forget ? To forget would mean to wipe all evidence from the mind… I have not accomplished that. I think to forgive is to realise that nothing can change what has happened and to hold onto hate or anger is only causing yourself harm. I think it wise not to forget what has happened because you are meant to learn from it.
actually forgiving and forgetting ( the hurt, not the incident, because it may not be possible to forget incidents, and incidents are there to tecah something so it is anyway not wise to forget them ) are related.
it’s a question of being able to see things from the perspetive of the ‘offender’, it’s a question of compassion. when there is compassion feeling of hurt evaporates, afterall the poor sod is causing hurt only because it does not know any better. there is a story of a priest and a scorpion. priest was taking bath in a river and scorpion was drowning nearby, priest lifted it out of water to save its life but scorpions being scoprions, it stung the very hand which was saving it, hand trembled and scorpion fell back in water. Again the priest lifted it, then again and again.
one cannot forgive if one does not forget the hurt, one cannot forget the hurt if one is not able to see things from the perspetive of the other person !
having said this – one should try utmost to prevent the offender from causing hurt to anyone else, in the priest story cited above, right approach would have been to lifet the scorpion with something say some wood, a piece of cloth, … something so that repeated stinging could be avoided.
love
aditya
I think it depends on how deep the scars go…On the on set a revenge might have to take place before the forgiving and forgetting could take place.
Forgiving is easier than forgetting because forgetting something, someone or an event that hurts or to erase it from ones consciousness/subconsciousness entirely requires divine intervention.
On the other hand, not forgiving and holding on to the hurt has been the spark of much brilliance in the world and have stirred many souls to be consume with PASSION.
For isn’t it true that we are who we are or where we are at in life because we were fueled by unforgiveness and grudges. We make it personal and a crediting it for making us either weaker or stronger. The victim or the survivor. The story teller or the author. WJ
Forgiving will only be easy if your always focus on God’s love. When we make it as a center of all our decisions, definitely, we’ll made the right ones.
Forgetting…it’s difficult, because it’s now depending on how a person’s mind going.
I really find it easy to forgive and I always try to forget because I know that forgetting is also a way of trusting and giving your fellow a chance that he would change.
Hi Paulo,
Good subject, forgiveness sometimes is tough, I usually tend to forget & mostly forgive. The ideal situation of forgiveness between human beings is to:
(1) Recognizing the offense before those against whom offense was committed and before God.
(2) Committing oneself not to repeat the offense.
(3) Doing whatever needs to be done to rectify the offense (within reason) and asking pardon of the offended party.
(4) Asking God for forgiveness.
That’s what I would do as a Muslim.
Well, these are my thoughts:-
“Only the mighty and powerful are capable of forgiving, not the weak and feeble.”
At first i thought “forgive and forget” is easy to do
for i naturally don’t bear grudges on people.
but then there came this person who deeply hurt me
that i tried to forgive.
but this one kept on being proud even in apologizing,
that i fancied that the granted forgiveness was in vain.
though i don’t want the sun to set with my anger
i really can’t forgive yet…but i know the right time will come.
currently, all i wanna do is to forget this person, but that’s a wicked thought for we haven’t settled well.
nevertheless,i still believe that this is just a test for my “active non-violence” act
and doing nothing between us and just forgetting i know would soon backfire on my conscience in the future, so with his.
the word ‘forgive’ without sincerity will be nonsense…
the word ‘forget’ without clarity and closure will still haunt.
je vais juste raconter une petite histoire:
il était une fois un Roi, qui avait confier l’éducation de son fils a un sage, ce dernier, a commander a l’enfant de mettre une cloue dans un morceau de bois chaque fois qu’il faisais une faute , et d’enlever une, s’il arrive a corriger son erreur ou bien faire du bien
a fur a mesure que le temps passer , l’enfant arriva un jour a enlever toute les cloues , et il alla courir vers son maitre tout content, de ce qu’il venais de faire :
le sage lui dit : tu as pu enlever le mal que tu as fait , mais gamin, regarde t’a laisser beaucoup de cicatrices, et cette planche malgré tout ce que t’a fait , n’est plus la même.
si je raconte cette histoire c’est pour dire, l’on peut pardonner, certe, c’est une attitude tout a fait humaine, un geste d’amour, mais malgré tout , y’a une chose qui change l’intérieur de nous, ce qui est cassé est cassé , on peux réparer mais ca sera plus comme avant
on peux ranger les tiroirs , le temps nous aidera pour s’occuper d’autre chose , laisser a part pour un moment, mais ca resurgis .
je pense que le plus important n’est pas de de trop juger le passé, mais de regarder vers l’avenir, qu’on le bâtis plus correctement, d’apprendre de ses erreurs, des autres aussi et ‘essai de créer un avenir plus commode pour ce que nous sommes, et ne pas trop rester figé sur un passé déjà plus la.
merci Paulo
Forgiveness is not something that can be given easily, in my opinion. People take advantage of a kind and generous heart. Once you hurt someone, the damage is done. Many say they forgive and forget, but they actually carry repressed anger – they never forgave, and they never forgot. Forgiveness requires to give your heart in full trust to the one that hurt you… You can never truly regain someone’s trust once you have hurt them deeply. I think it is best to not speak of forgiveness and forgetting, the one who forgets is the one who committed the wrong doing, while the one who forgives always remembers. If there is to be a true healing from a wrong doing, both parts must sit down and discuss what happened, and try to find some way to make up for the harm done. Only then will the offended feel compensated, and the offender will learn not to commit the same offense again.
I have also to forgive a lot of people who had hurt me. Somebody you must forgive (family, or a best friend)if you want not to lose them. If somebody hurts me too much I never forget and maybe I don´t forgive.
If one of my children breaks a glass – I forgive and forget!
If my husband forget our day of marriage – I forgive and forget (just only for once;-))
If my best friend forget my birthday – I forgive and forget (and hope she loves me enough to forget it never again;-))
So I can forgive and forget!
But if somebody hurts you too much, I think we should not forget!
Then I say: we should not forget when we forgive!
Let me explain:
If my son or my daughter make a mistake or hurts me with words, they had to ask me to forgive. I forgive but I don´t forget. And I also want that my kids don´t forget why he had to ask me for forgiveness.
I think nobody should forget when he forgive! We have to learn of our mistakes!
You can think bigger:
What would you think when your husband wants that you forgive him and forget that he kissed and loved another woman?
What would you think or say when the president makes a big mistake and wants that we all forgive him and forget that so many people had to die, to live on the streets, to …
So everybode has to check: forgive and forget? Or forgive and forget.
I wish you all a sunny day
Regina
I can forgive ,that’s not a problem for me!Specially because I know that if we are not able to do that,we will allways suffer,which is more hurting,and don’t allowed us to expand or grow on our path,and it keeps us bound to the person who have hurting us!The problem for me is more to forgett till the agressor didn’t apollogise!And for that it needs the ability of the agressor to worck out,and recognise or verbalise that process!
Sure ,for years i’ve tryed it to do it through alchemie which worcks i thinck quite good with painting pictures!I am not sure ,if in this particular case I am a winner,but the Time will show me!
Love,
Mirela(the woman in elevator)from internet caffe in Romania
Personally I can’t forvige nor forget. That doesn’t mean that I live with grudge. I simply avoid people that hurt me.
About being just … that’s complicated. Nobody can be owner of justice. Human justice might not be just at all.
How do you think a person should be just about forgiving?
Je peux pardonner mais pas oublier les blessures profondes, elles restent comme des mauvais souvenirs mais qui s’éloignent toujours plus avec des années.
Les souvenirs sont comme les échos des passions, et les sons qu’ils répètent prennent par l’éloignement quelque chose de vague et de mélancolique, qui les rend plus séduisants que l’accent des passions mêmes. Chateaubriand
Of course each situation is different but the only thing I know is that we use to forgive other’s mistakes (and our mistakes too, of course, why not), but we don’t forget them, we just try to learn from them. At least we should…
I believe that forgiveness is one of the most important lessons in life… and right now I am learning to live in the now. And it is impossible to be in the now if you are thinking about a past event or what you would like to happen in the next moment. But I believe that this doesn’t neccessarily mean we need to forgot the wrongs done to us… I think it would be impossible to do so, or for me at least. But we can learn to forgive, to let the things that happen be as they are and not to let them cloud the pureness of this moment.
i personally dont think i can ever forgive and forget ….. sometimes we act like we have forgotten but thats not true either , we just suppress those memories and at some point in our life , something triggers it to come back to surface and once it does there is no holding it back !!!!!
but if a person actually manages to forgive then the person forgets the matter too as our mind doesnt have enough space for negative memories ………
I would say that, I forgive but I certainly do not forget…
I tend to agree with the quote above by A: “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future”.
Можно и простить и забыть, это зависит от степени обиды. Как говорят время лечит. Если задуматься, то какой смысл в том, чтобы копить обиды? Ведь состояние обиды – это негативная эмоция. Для того, чтобы не носить в себе обиду нужно просто понимать одну простую вещь: человек, вас обидивший, по-другому поступить не мог из-за своей обусловленности, из-за того, что так его воспитали родители – в этом случае следует обижаться на них. Меня часто обижали, часто делали больно в основном самые родные и близкие люди, но все мои обиды исчезли после того, как я поняла – по-другому они не могут, такой вид поведения заложен в их бессознательном с детства. И они и рады бы от него избавиться, но не могут сами, здесь нужна помощь специалиста. И теперь, даже если меня кто-то обижает, я просто не обращаю внимание, и продолжаю общаться с этим человеком как и прежде, иногда мне даже жаль таких людей. Если они не осознают причин и последствий своих поступков, им обязательно дадут об этом знать Высшие Силы. Но только не я. Нет у меня на это прав. Возможно и я тоже кого-то обижаю и не замечаю этого.
Hi Paulo, this is a beautiful topic and a constant battle of everyday life. Indeed, mistakes are common to all mankind and without forgiveness we would never find enough peace within ourselves to walk through the day.
I think that by essence, the actions of forgiving and forgetting come from a deep need of freedom. I ask for forgiveness to be free and forgive to be free. And we also forget, or at least try to, to be free.
I think that when you forgive, you free yourself from the other. And when you forget, you free yourself from the hurt, the pain, the deception, leaving it behind with the past and only keeping the memory of the lesson learned.
It is the same when we hurt others, we ask for forgiveness to not be tied to the other anymore. And we forget the matter to free ourself from our shame and guilt and keep the memory of the lesson, so that we be more carefull in the future.
Sometimes it is hard to forgive, to forget and also hard to ask for forgiveness. When I ask myself why? I always end up with the same answer…Strenght and humility. Having the strenght of letting go, and the humility to accept the mistake, from ourself or the other.
I feel there is a close relation between the relationship one has with the world and the others and the way one forgives. The less attached to the ‘others’ one will be (almost careless), the more easily one will forgive. The more concerned with people, the more pride one will have, and the harder one will forgive and even forget.
I believe one will always want forgive at some point since I think forgiving comes from a natural instinct of freedom within ourselfs, a common need to all mankind. And one will always think of its mistakes till they are forgiven, by himself or the others.
«Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future» PB
A
I believe that I do forgive because we are merely humans. Now forgetting is such a difficult thing to do. If we forget how we’ve been hurt then we can’t see signs that will warn us if we are about to get hurt again. But then I ask myself, Is there such a thing as forgiving? Well it all depends on the situation of course.
Forgiving somone and not forgetting actually means that you are still hurt about the incident that has occured. I believe that people can’t actually believe that forgiving and forgetting does go hand in hand. Maybe if you can forget then it means that you have actually forgiven. By forgetting you are actually letting go of a part in you that realizes, depending on the situation that it was not important enough for you to keep registered in your memories. We tend to retain those events in our lives that have impatcted us in some kind of way, wether it is good or simply just a bad experience in our lives!
My Youngest daughter has hurt me twice now and it is almost the same scenerio that I am having a harder time trying to forgive her, How do you live with the same pain?
Over 250 posts allready on this topic, I guess you read more than you write. :)
I came in via your comments about the piratebay on swedish television (or was it radio), good to see atleast one writer in the world saying its more important to be read than to put anyone spreading their words into jail. I thank you for that.
I think, forgiving is a thing we often say, but seldom really do. Because even if you say you forgive, havent you, deep inside, changed your wiew on that person? The next time you meet her, isnt something different? Dont you remember the feelings you felt when she hurt you?
How can you forgive someone but then think diffrently of her? Is she then really forgiven? The thing you said you forgive is still affecting you.
And if that is true, you certenly dont forget.
But, as you say… should we?
I think you are right in much when you say “if we just forget them, wont they do the same thing to others later?”.
And I think this is one of the most basic human reactions. Not forgiving, but getting even. To punish someone for how they made you feel is, I think, in our genes.
I think this is one of the basics on which our morals, and later religions and laws, are founded.
Even apes can collectively freeze out or in other ways punish members of their group who misconduct. Hell, even surukats in africa punish any member of their group that mates with members of a rival group. I think, that in much, its a basic evelutonary function.
But then again… if we didnt forgive someone back in the days when we fought each others with sticks and stones, it didnt really have the same effect as when we have the power to kill humankind six times over.
Maybe forgiving is getting more and more important, the bigger the consequenses are.
Maybe its time to rise above our genes.
Interessante esta pergunta, pois ela é um tema que estou tratando neste momento da minha vida. O meu pai me trouxe muitas dificuldades na minha vida e há 5 dias ele me apareceu (depois de 3 anos de desencarnado) querendo me deixar uma mensagem e eu nao quis escutá-lo. Aí eu percebi que eu ainda nao o perdoei como eu acreditava.
Eu tenho a tendência a guardar rancor e, neste caso, eu nem perdoo nem esqueço. No entanto, acho que o melhor é perdoar e nao esquecer. Nao acho que se deva esquecer das coisas ruins que nos aconteceram, mas também nao acredito que se deva lembrar delas com muita freqüência. Isto seria um martírio e nos impediria de vivermos com leveza.
O processo ideal ao meu ver quando sou machucado é dizer abertamente a outra pessoa que me sinto machucado, remoer isso até sentir que já é hora de virar a página, tentar diminuir os momentos em que passo pensando nisso. A vontade de perdoar vem automaticamente depois de me ocupar menos com o assunto. É o momento em que já estou em outro capítulo, mas sinto que uma parte da minha energia está ligada àquela situaçao do passado. Normalmente eu tento perdoar, entro em contato com a pessoa explicando tudo o que passou na minha cabeça e desejando a esta pessoa tudo de bom. Eu me atento em nao ter outras intencoes escondidas como culpar, vingar, etc. Isso sempre me ajudou, mas infelizmente nao é sempre que estou pronto para passar por todo este processo.
Mas perdoar nao é algo que vem do coraçao? Nao adianta achar que se tem que perdoar se nao está pronto para fazê-lo, se as magoas ainda estao remoendo.
Agora pensando nas palavras forGIVE and forGET engraçado que os seu radicais sao opostos :-)
yes i do forgive people who have hurt me only if they regret & accept that they did wrong,but it is very difficult for me to forget. i make an attempt to forget but those incidents keep flashing back in my mind n remind me of the tears that i have shed.
At the same time it is the effort that the person is making to make things right, which makes me smile & makes me want to forget the past.
But the fact that i have given them a second chance doesnt mean i have forgotten.
INSPITE OF THE CURRENT GOOD TIMES WITH THOSE SAME PEOPLE, I STILL LOOK BACK AT THE PAST AND SIT IN A CORNER N CRY WHEN I’M ALONE.
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