I have loved all your books I have read so far. I read Zahir recently & found the situation you talked about a husband & a wife relationship, like two rail tracks, together but distant, so true. I could not understand clearly though that what do u think should be done to avoid making this relationship so monotonous. Can you clarify that? What are your views on what is Marriage?
How to keep our relations out of monotony is a very personal thing.
In regards to the situation you mention in The Zahir, what enabled the main character to finally re-live his passion for his wife was her absence.
In more general terms, private space is crucial in every relation.
I will quote here one of my favorite writers, Khalil Gibran, on the subject of marriage since I think he expressed really beautifully what marriage is:
“You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
…
And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.”
ah – but I liked most the lines about the strings in a harp that makes music together! that one is Patrick and me… When we’re going together in one of our projects we have so much fun!
Thanks to Paulo Coelho for responding to my question & thanks for att the comments. luv
This sounds like a Marriage of Creation…
when we all live in togetherness with the dance of the wind and heavens between us…there is enough space for all trees being a pilar for the temple of the world.
Marriage in togetherness…yes…
xxx
Like Paulo said, and intelligent quotting from Khalil Gibran.
Indeed it’s something very personal though I think that love is not the ‘Only’ factor in a successful relationship; it’s a mix of many factors like understanding, caring and sharig.
Marriage goes by contrasts.
And if you do not run after that x-partner then you know it was not ment to be! ha!
I know Gibran’s poem on marriage since I was ..25 years old and I was already married from the age of 20..
When I read it I remember I felt a big blow in my stomach. I felt the loneliest person on Earth.. Because if .. this was marriage, it is so far from my ideas for EROS. I think, Gibran must have been a very lonely man … having read his story ‘the Broken Wings’!! So since he has lost his .. ‘SOUL MATE’ then the dream-love has also disappeared. He describes poetically two people, two trees living parallel lives.. Without .. conflicts, with freedom of movement and thoughts… This is the ‘end’ of … being in love! This need that drives us away is the … feeling of not being ‘in tune’ with another Soul.
For me the IDEAL Marriage is the one that you do not feel the need to … fly away either bodily or … mentally. The Swan’s love, dearest, daughter Annie.. The relationship that one looks into the eyes of the other person and … gives before he/she is asked.. Because the other person’s desires and happiness mirror his own.. A dream marriage, a dream love, maybe an attainable dream, an … Illusion. Everything else are just …. conventional relationships, adjusted to the … present moment and space..
LOVE,
Thelma.
You own your soul just until the day comes when you give it to ones hands to have it without any thinking. If that one gives you his soul in the same way, that must be love that will survive anything that life puts in front of us.(maybe a little bit to romantic view?)
love
I want my space in a relationship..i dont know why others find it illogical or not normal, but i needed it in order to let myself grow..In the relationships i had so far, no one, but no one could understand that, they wanted to spend every minute they had as a free time with me..but i could not bear that!! i would be extinguished!(like the coal with the ember)..my sister says “possibly you were not in love..because i am in love and want to be with my man every single minute..every single minute i think of him and want to spend more and more time”..
I, on the other hand, dont believe that wanting space – my space – means that I am not in love.. it means simply that i choose my individuality and that i need it for my expression
Marriage is rather a challenge..
Love and Graditude
Annie
Baby sis! Some partners want so strong symbiosis to each other they have to follow each other to the toilet! Not healthy in my opinion. This is, I believe, due to a problem that happened to a lot of us during our early childhood years, when failing to solve the separation anxiety issue. You might have seen how babies, 6 to 9 months old, cry hysterically when their mother/father leave the room? This has been explained with how the brain development, when a baby recognize that their parents are different from the faces of all other adults, they panic if the parents leave. Also, they panic because they don’t understand yet, that what is not present in front of me, will come back at a different time later. In adult life, if we cannot handle this conflict, we appear JEALOUS, as it sounds like your partners have been. Be careful with marrying one that has big separation anxiety issues…or you will be suffocated! (To read more about this issue you could look for Margaret Mahler’s Psychological Birth).
Heart
Oh, thank you about all this information, sis! I had never though that this behaviour would stem from our early childhood years, and it is called separation anxiety issue..yes, you are right, i think you know me too well, i d be definitely suffocated!i ll search for Margaret Mahler
Also,my parents have told me that they were leaving me alone when i was crying so as to stop..that makes sense now!!
Love and Graditude
Annie
Thank you Heart and Annie. Many things are rooted in the early years of our lives.. As we have said, until the seventh year.. Yes I remember some nights, me crying and my mother would not come[maybe she was too tired..], but then those nights were the most miserable.. Because whenever a baby cries has a good reason!! Either we are wet, hungry, have a pain or we feel … lonely!! Yes I had promised myself never to leave my babies crying… So for me it was a happiness to take them in my arms, hug them, caress them, kiss them.. Because I know that if you are given LOVE you have much love in your heart to ..give.. Jealous, I think, we become whenever we are deprived from what we need! Because our heart is .. thirsty.. A relationship becomes a prison whenever there is no understanding for the needs of the other person.. Whenever they try to cut our wings, so that we would be stay in the golden cage.. to kill our .. self-confidence. As for personal privacy, this is an important issue, in order to keep the … mystery!;]
LOVE,
Thelma.
I wish I was one of your babies, to feel that Love…
But it doesnt matter, i can feel it now !
After all you are LOVE
Love you always.
Love and Graditude
Annie
“But let there be spaces in your togetherness…. Love one another, but make not a bond of love.” Yes, yes, and YES! But I think that maybe some people require more space than others, or maybe some people are just more aware of the essential need for this space. As for myself, I think I require A LOT of space, but few men that I have ever met seem to accept or be willing to respect this. Maybe it is some problem with me, but I just know that I don’t really want this “ideal” of waking up every day and seeing this same person in my face, in my space. Of course I’m talking about physical space here, and I don’t think that is necessarily what Paulo meant. It is certainly possible to give someone space to grow and evolve and follow their own destiny even if you are standing right next to them all the while, living in the same house, sharing the same bed, each looking in the same mirror when you wake up every morning. But somehow, the idea of actual physical space is very important to me. If I love someone very intensely – particularly if I love someone intensely – I do not want to see that person every day, I do not want talk with them non-stop about every little detail of my thoughts and my life. I want everything to remain precious – every moment spent together, every conversation or exchange. I don’t want that intensity to be obliterated by the persistence of the mundane.
And maybe that intensity in love has a lot to do with it. For me, love is like bursting into flames. And I actually like this sensation – I like being on fire. But, at the same time, this kind of intensity is not something that can be endured for long stretches at a time. This is where space comes in. I want this person to go away and leave me alone for a while, coming back faithfully, but only off and on, once in a while. Otherwise, I’m like a marshmallow in a camp fire – I just burn up, burn out, and there is nothing left but ashes and a whole lot of suffocating smoke.
Funny that you bring up this subject, Paulo, because just a few days ago I was talking to a friend on the phone about the same. We are always talking about love and about how, somehow, these “ideals” created and upheld by our society never quite seem to work out in reality. You have a monogamous relationship, you get married and stay with someone for a long time, and you both just end up getting bored or feeling trapped. I said to her, “I think I know what my ideal is: I want to be in a relationship with someone who lives far away, in another state, preferably even in another country – somewhere on the other side of the world. I want to meet up with this person for a few weeks at a time, several times a year. But the rest of the time, I want to be left to myself. We can write letters or emails and be closer than if we were in the very same room.”
And it isn’t that I don’t want to be “faithful” to someone. I am perfectly capable of remaining faithful, even if I see them only every once in a while. It is just that, if I really love someone, I don’t feel the need to be looking at their face every day in order to feel that they are a part of me and I a part of them. I believe it is possible to know a love that is strong enough to endure even long absences, a love that is capable of transcending enormous physical distances, and yet flourishing, becoming even more intense for this experience.
If two people are truly soul-mates or twin-flames, I think it should be as this: that they need not be side-by-side every second of their lives in order to feel “connected,” in oder to be keenly aware and appreciative of the other’s presence. It is enough, just a few days or a few weeks, here and there, now and then. If this sort of connection exists, a single day spent together can last for an eternity, because such loves exist outside of time, transcendent of space.
Divine quote. Thank you Paulo. As long as we don’t ruin love with hurtful mind games, love gets the condition to blossom in total freedom for both partners.
you are so right…Still, I want spend much time with my love
Dear all,
I have been reading most of the post here in Paulo’s blog but as I am on my holidays in Himalaya, there is no internet connection so usually i don’t get access to come online… but here is one poem about marriage, created for you all….
Good day to all ! ;)
************
Marriage
************
Marriage, of heaven and hell,
of blood and rain,
of wind which change,
of life, desity moving along eternity,
like a flowing breeze in seasons indeed,
like a flowing river in ecstasy,
togetherness and with trust in every feed,
some moments of loneliness and some of creed,
creating waves of emotions and bond,
stronger than anything ever,
with heart beats and breath in need,
palms to palms and eyes to eyes,
moves along all life,
sometimes together, sometimes in loneliness,
but it is love, which keeps it clean
forever and ever in need
**********************************************
Hi, wonderful lines. Thank you so much. Take care
Love
Alexandra
Beautiful answer.I do not know about marriage,but I guess in every relationships there’s a bit of that,if we want to make it last.In a certain equilibrium as well because there’s a difference between having a personal space and co-habitation.So many couples are so never together and I don’t see the point but depends on what makes them happy in the end,eveyone is different.
once more, Khalil Gibran showed us he was a “Mahatma” (big Soul).
Love.
Chris
Great question Shipra!
“and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow”
Unfortunately, I know of very few relationships where this principle can be applied… respect for one another’s freedom of thought and movement, is the true secret of marital longevity…
The relationship between Paulo Coelho & Christina Oiticica… where his words of love & her images of the heart are both the seed and the fruit of this philosophy…
Love to you both, Paul
Yes, Paul, a good way to sum up what may very well be the key: “respect for one another’s freedom of thought and movement.”
This is true, be in order for there to be respect for the freedom, there has to be trust. I recently broke up with my boyfriend over a silly thing which could have been prevented, but maybe he was lying to me. I suspected that he was cheating on me because he was spending more time on his cell phone sending messages than usual. I asked him and he said no that it’s just a friend. So I said that if it’s Just a friend then to show me the messages. He refused, brought up all kinds of excuses like I have to trust him regardless and why does he have to show it and blah blah blah… And I sensed that he was lying to me, because if it was just a friend, why would he hide it? there must have been something more. It could have been so simple, I mean, I wouldn’t hesitate to show him something he was unsure of, why would I if I wasn’t hiding anything? Why would I want to hide anything from him in the first place. Whatever, we broke up, and I’m sure it was not Just a friend, he was lying and trying to hide it. His loss.
That’s it dear Nina… his loss… your life…;) Love, Paul
I think that this depends on when you get married. If you marry at 20, 25 or 30, you have a lot of personal development to do. And space is important for personal development. But there is also a risk for the rails not merging again. That is what I have experienced. My personal development has taken me places where my husband can not and will not go. So he closed the bedroom door and said: Make up your mind. Come back to normal, or this is over with.
So I have been married without being married for a year. Because it is impossible for me to let the rails merge again. That would be a terrible set-back for me. Too much has happened, and I have been through a phase of change that he can not and will not understand. And this is not criticism towards my husband. I can understand that all this seems unreal to him.
So then, if I get married again at mid-life. Will I have the same need for personal development as I had before? Or have I come so far that I think this is enough? Have I fullfilled my committment after the prayer that led me on this path? What about the obligations to my son? He is at an age where a male should be and is his role model, and he has a good relationship to his dad. I asked him if he thought that I should take the job if I got something very important that would take me out in the world. He said that it sounded cool, and he was sure that he would become very popular among his friends.
Anyway, these are some of the tough questions I have been thinking about a lot lately. I do not take lightly on my commitments, and I do not want to hurt other people. Still I see a change coming very soon.
And marriage. If I married a man today and I was convinced that he was my twin flame, I might want to spend a lot of time with him. In general I believe in a lot of space in relationships, because I know I have had too little earlier in life. (This has also been my choice – the comfort zone has had high priority.) But today, if I knew there might not be too many years together with my twin flame, I would be willing to give the relationship high priority. If there are common interests, maybe we could work and develop together?
Mari Ann
That portion of your path connected to mine in many aspects. When I was away, told that I suffered a major depression that led me to alcohol (the energy that I tried to find in the bottle) and I then experienced a awakening, deciding now to try the last path left, the one that asked to follow my dreams, my convictions, my limits and my forces, my husband came to visit me at that health place. I knew that if I follow that path that things would change for us, for what was there before, and I knew that it had changed already. He said: “As long as life comes back to what it was”. At that moment, I felt in my body an electric choc and spontaneously it said in me: “If you go back there Johanne you will certainly die”. I stayed silent and came back to our family. I began the journey. And sadness install, for I was crying all the time, because each day that God gave me, I was getting more and more alive and more and more aware that distance was growing between him and me. I always participated in the things important to him, respected his space, for he had much of that since I took all responsibility of the 4 kids, and the house, etc … I began now trying to implement the things important to me, to take my space … he was closed to all changes. For me family was important and is today important, but I had to make the choice. I asked my husband for a separation, for I needed to space to think, experiment, etc … He said “If there is separation, it will be for life”. That is the choice he gave me, and I made the choice. I asked for a divorce. For me, and for the children, I knew that respecting my path, being authentic, being free was the mother they would need, and not the one that would once again slowly erase herself. I found a new man, and can you believe that I married him! I chose him “consciously” that time, conscious more about myself, my true needs, etc, and of what was pleasing me in this man”. And then one day I found out that I was again in the same energy that before. And I discovered that I had to learn about love and liberty in a relationship. I again asked for a separation, needing space and to experiment, etc … accepting in advance the consequences of my choice. Now, after a year of learning about myself, of taking in charge my life, my dream, etc …, of respecting my limits, of expressing what was important to me and would stay, of answering my children over their questions, I will reunite life with him in July. And that gave him the courage to turn his eyes on him and he is even know going on his path, a path that he discovered. And my children, well, I think that I am the mother they need, a model for them of the principle you must love yourself like you love the other. During that solitary journey, going through the difficult moments of culpability, insecurity, doubt, fears, I discovered for me the true meaning of love. I am even astonished to discover that I arrived to the same principles as Mr. Coelho or this poem. But not a conclusion only in my rational mind, something that installed itself deep inside. I even made myself a room in the house, a place for me, and before coming back together told him that this and that was important for me, that he was to be well aware that I will continue my path, I told my dreams, my vision of couple and retirement, etc, I made a point of him knowing what was there for today for me and that he must accept. And I told him that I would be there for him, to support him on his path, to be sensible, but not to do it for him. And Mari Ann, for the children, I discovered that yes I was a way for them to come to this life, that I had to take care of their needs for the childhood, and that I had to be confident that they will follow their path and if that happens, that it is on the path that was chosen. My love for them never changed between and during and today. That they know. And the father, their father, was not there entirely during our relation and after for them. I was the one initiating that relation, etc … Goodbye illusion and welcome reality, that happened to me. Even if I tell them their dad loves them, is this or that, internally each of them live a different thing and will one day take care of that, like I was able to.
Be the vessel which is lulled in the waves of love , let the sea lead you to good port, by waves and tides , be accompanied and accompanying it.
love
I love this quote – just as much as I love this song ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmi3EPUrw6g
Blessings Tania
What a fun sweet song! Thanks for sharing Tania!