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We need to create a new revolution, and to do that, don’t waste your life: stop pleasing people, and become who you always wanted to be.
Great:Stop pleasing people…
I needed someone to remind me that.Life is too short & I am too week to loose great deal of energy & time.
Thanks Dearest Pauolo
[Reply]
I think it’s easier said than done, love ,responsibility,sometimes pleasing others is not a chore,but can be a pleasure….hmmm,but not always.If I just please myself all the time,it would be at the expense of others.I heard on the radio one day about islands that had been inbabited by a variety of sailors and their women.The people went to different islands and the only one that has thrived was the island where the people were and are working together and sharing what resources they had.They thrived because they didn’t just please themselves ,their aim was to look after each other and in doing so they helped the whole community and everyone was stronger,The failures in the other islands resulted in hunger ,deaths,fights over land and possessions.I believe if we help others,they help ,they return the kindness and encourage the following of dreams without stampeding over anyone else.So I believe in pleasing myself,but not if it is at the expense of others.I think servitude is underated,that to serve is not a bad thing,to serve your loved ones is instictive and to serve strangers is honourable…..I could be wrong….but i enjoyed cooking my man’s breakfast this morning,it pleased him,which pleased me-so that’s not so bad is it?
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I am 35, and my mission since my birthday (about 8 months) has been just this. I am working on doing what makes me happy. That does not mean I forget about others, but in a major way it is my attitude about what I decide to do, or not. I live for this freedom. To feel I am doing what I want every instant.
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We please people because we want to be accepted, we want to be loved by them. And the way to do is just being the one they always want you to be. That’s an easy thing to do, first you think that they care you, they really love you but then there is a breaking point you understand this can’t be the real love. Because as you’ve always written in your books, love can only make you free not a slave..
Also Dear Paulo, after your latest comment. I realized and I gave up fighting, now just having rest and enjoying of my real-being..
[Reply]
Caroline Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Dear Derya,
I don’t agree that being the one people want you to be is THE way to be loved by them. I personnaly please people because I want to be helpful, don’t always look at my own belly button, but if I don’t agree with something I say it as well. In other words I don’t provocke fights but I don’t avoid them either, always with respect but very firm!
I think it makes life and relationships more real and vivid, people who love you love the real you!
The risk I think when you try too much to please others in the way you describe, is to forget who you really are!
I know sometimes it is hard to resist someone who obviously want you to act one way or another…
My tip: Try to love them, really, not to be loved by them, it works terrific!
From the perspective I now know that people who refused my love, I didn’t need their love either! On the other hand I met beautiful human beings who make my life worth living, being just who I am;)
[Reply]
Namaste,
looking up the dictionary for “pleasing people”, this saying appears to be first neutral.
however, what can be the intend “to please people”?
it seems that there can be good intent to help as well as intent that try to avoid internal weaknesses. It looks to me that avoiding the weaknesses and “pleasing people” always includes actually “manipulating people” because in reality we do it with an intent to get something positive back from them. And sometimes “pleasing people” just becomes an automatic action - habit.
so what can be behind “pleasing …”
- need a positive feedback to pamper my self-esteem
- just avoiding conflicts because it is so hard to deal with them.
- just be nice to everybody, feels like a good (automatic) way to get through life fast and ignore what is really going on in the environment ….
[Reply]
Reading the quote and some replies I feel like sharing with you a quote I’ve just heard from Pinocchio by Benigni (2002): “the one who doesn’t bring a bit more hapiness in this world, he might as well not have been born”…
From this perspective, it is normal sometimes to make some efforts in “pleasing” others I guess, try to make them happy/happier, your parents in particular, who usually did put some efforts as well in trying to make you happy in this world.
Making people happy usually makes me happier as well.
Yet in my mid 30s, I now know that there’s a difference between bringing a bit more hapiness in the world and meeting the expectations that others have on you, because if too far from your own deep expectations it will not bring you hapiness.
A balance should be found between “pleasing people” and knowing and respecting one’s wishes and limits.
The clearer your wishes are for you, the easier it is to say “no” in a way that don’t hurt people and forces them to respect your decisions.
If I can share my experience, in the last 4 years, happy and confident, I chose to change my life in a radical way, I mean too radical maybe, and thinking too much about me only at once. People didn’t understand and I underwent so many questions and pressures that made me lose my path and I failed at fulfilling my dream so far. I was very disappointed and like Vicky I no longer had the strentgh to fight for my dreams. I had to rest as Paulo says, which was hard because resting is not really my favorite way of fighting! But I had no choice. Now starting from scratch again.
This to say that maybe we could speak here of “evolution” instead of “revolution”, shouldn’t we?
One can build a change little by little in his/her everyday life, which will make a change little by little in the world.
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Dreams can be decieving as well. Based on other people’s lifes and expectations. Perhaps we should start by understanding the basic principles first. Starting by where you are right now, what you like and dislike, what you have and don’t have and accept life as it has been so far. Only than forward going is an option. This is what helped me a bit. In the end, we all bring great sacrifices if the life you precieved to be perfect is in our reach.
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This time I have not read any of the discussion, but I read the quote and I did not feel well with it.
By chance I watched a film yesterday… and now I know why I do not like the quote:
I have heared similar quotes very often from “business-men” on the esoteric market - it was the quote that seperated those willing to pay for being manipulated from those strong and clear enough to simply walk away…
By the way: The film was “The wave” (orig. “Die Welle”, Germany 2008, Dennis Gansel)
Talking about revolution on a “fan-site” with a logo and a community name like “Warrior of the Light” is already quite close to the things, that start the experiment in “The wave”…
… sure, things are different here, aren’t they?
… but isn’t it still worth thinking about?
Take care & Love,
Bernd
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I get this…now if my family would stop trying to change me. So for now, I’ve given them up!
[Reply]
Hi Paulo.
Thanks for the lovely quote. It is just the quote I required this week to help me make up my mind. I gave me the strength to stop pleasing people
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it is true…but sometimes you tend to be drifted away from the society when you be yourself and stand by your own principles. i am learning.. everyday, to become who i always wanted to be. along the way, i just feel tired? i do not know if i have the capability to go on, and i am unsure if i have chosen the right pathway.i have been a silent reader here for quite a while, but i just feel like leaving a comment here today. i just want to say thank you paulo, for “the warrior of light”, “the alchemist” and “veronica decides to die”.
[Reply]
I know it is sometimes hard to stop pleasing the others in order to love and respect my limits. I for a time needed to take time away from those I loved the most (my parents) because I could not stand anymore the hurt that I felt when I saw them together still in urge to be loved and doing the contrary. I could not stand anymore my father talking of his sadness in relation to my mother and hearing my mother talking about her sadness in relation to my father. I could not stand anymore being there to please them (because seeing me make them happy) and at the same time, for me, two days at the house near the lake I was like ignoring the sadness for me, pushing it aside, playing the role that they needed me to play so to make them feel good because they had a family together. They only had a family together that healed their sorrow but did not make any efforts to please the children, did not reflect on the impact. I at first did not tell. Then, when asked why I was not coming as often, I started to tell the truth … that it hurt me to see them, hear them, be near their sufferings, their pain, and be myself in that hurt, pain. I had to choose my sanity, I had to choose to stay in an environment that would help me heal. Strangely, by expressing, and respecting my limits, taking care of myself, the energy changed. They started to be more careful, stopped confiding in me since I did not want anymore to participate to that kind of system, etc … I can tell you that for me, pleasing those I loved brought me to panic attacks, nausea, headaches … one day I realized that that I was very sensible and could capture their inner states and there was too much suffering that was there that I could not handle anymore. I remember that one night, my mother yelled something not nice after me. Yes, she had took a drink too much that night, yes, she was nervous, yes, she was tired and having difficulty with all those around because her territory was important for her, but that night, I told her that that was it for me. That pleasing is like love. It has to flow … not just one side. And that night, New Years Eve, I took my kids to the car and went back home. And from that day, something changed between us … she began making efforts to please me and me, well, I was so happy to having put my limits and could enter a new kind of relation, a relation based on true love, true respect, true caring. Cordially, Jojo.
[Reply]
Nancy Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Johanne, Thanks for sharing that part of your life. Very familiar because I feel my struggle to move forward is linked to my thoughts on pleasing my parents. Your post makes me want to work on a solution. This sentence said a lot “They only had a family together that healed their sorrow but did not make any efforts to please the children, did not reflect on the impact.”
[Reply]
Johanne Mercille Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Nancy, touched by the fact that by sharing my intimacy it gives light for another one … I suffered a lot to “please”, to go by the “rules” of the system, I put a lot of energy and I silenced very much myself just so that they keep their world of love, etc … until I understood that I was maintaining an illusion, something that nourrished neither myself or them. Respecting my limits and convictions, the truth for me, did not stop me from loving them and caring for them and praying for them … when I go there, I go there with a conscience to please “myself” before them, when I silence it is because I take care of me and not to respect an “omerta” rule, etc … With affection, Jojo.
[Reply]
Can someone tell me the reason why we are not allowed to smile on passports?
How did this come about?
That does not seem to be logical.
Thanks!
[Reply]
marie-christine Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 10:02 am
on passport’s photograph.
[Reply]
Elaine Stevens Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Namaste Marie Christine,
We’re not allowed to smile in our drivers license photos in Indiana either… I think they figure that if an official has to look at your photo, you won’t be happy. This way they can make sure the glare you are offering the official for asking for your identification is the same as the photo. Some bureaucrats have no imagination. :-)
Love to you
[Reply]
marie-christine Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
sounds like an “Indiana Jones” movie, does not it?
Thanks Elaine, merci Marie et Jojo
Love and Light and keep on :)
[Reply]
Marie Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Sourire…trop de lumière peut-être…ils seraient éblouis !!! :))
Light & Love,
[Reply]
Johanne Mercille Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Well, if I get arrested, I won’t be smiling and then I will have the same look as my passport :-) Jojo.
[Reply]
let’s not hesitate to express ourself. it will be great if we are able to live a full life.
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.. What the world
needs now;
is love,
sweet love…
It’s the only thing
That there’s just too little of
What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
No not just for some
But for everyone
;o)
[Reply]
Nancy Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 12:13 am
A sweet poem to read on a weekend. It feels like a blanket on my shoulder. Protection and warmth.
[Reply]
D. Hochgerner Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 1:31 am
Beautiful!
[Reply]
Alexandra Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Very sweet poem. Thank you.
[Reply]
Elaine Stevens Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Namaste Catherine,
I remember that song! I’ve always loved it.
Love to you
[Reply]
Marie Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Catherine, thank you for the sharing. I love this song :))
http://lyrics.filestube.com/song/c77ea2a8c95b048403e9,fr,What-the-World-Needs-Now.html
I try to send you pink one his beauty must be just like attention carried to her. I do not know if I am going to succeed in posting this photograph…mystery!:))
[Reply]
Marie Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
[Reply]
Catherine E.A. Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Thank you so much Marie xxx ;o)
[Reply]
Dear Paulo,
thanks, time´s going - I do it…
[Reply]
hi Paulo,
well deep inside me i know its true but i find it difficult to hurt those who love me and just cant see that they can live without me by their side…i know sometimes they r kinda selfish but i just cant HURT them so deep (btw am talking about my parents)…its tiring for me so much,i feel like am stuck and running out of time !!
thanks and keep well :)
Ahmed
[Reply]
Dhara Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
hi Ahmed,
I can relate to what u are talking..i have several times been in the situation where i am expected to behave in a certain way because my loved ones want me to be so….it is very emotionally straining….sometimes it makes u feel so tired and lost…..
[Reply]
Elaine, your post is quite true.
As someone appreciating their 30s, for the freedom it allows of independence, I have to question on reflection why and how it is that one can feel as if ‘pleasing others’ and ‘being oneself’ can ever BE mutually exclusive!!
Because I do recall this paradox a lot.
Perhaps it is because of the different ambitions attached to either… one requires spiritual focus, the other economic practicalities.. etc.
ok, it’s not as clear cut as this… yet there is clearly some conflict. I sometimes see that society tries to carve an individual’s life direction way too much. This, I believe, is part of what the quote applies towards.
I wish it was not so, but even at 30 I can feel constricted… and this comes about through economic circumstances etc… and in turn I feel bullied into submission.. unaccepted or ostracized until i conform. of course this makes me rebel even more.. but at age 32.. should this really be the norm for treatment of adulthood? and that is why i am determined to take a stand.
if not to take all those rights with-held from me when young.. with the promise that once i was an adult i would be entitled TO them. not so… it has seemed ;o/
this is NOT a cycle I wish to repeat for the next generation, as a responsible person.
Surely, yes, there are explanations for control exercised by older to younger adults… but i think you can not be half hearted in teaching - like dangling a carrot but always pulling it away… this is patronising and not mature.
NO, it seems that there is a discourse that my elders are intent on keeping mainstream and withholding any sense of freedom for the next generation, until/if that generation has subsumed their will.
It has been a big issue in my life/.mind…
and I’m not particularly that disobedient…
in fact, i’d say this has come around in importance because I HAVE followed the rules to the word almost… and yet
…. never granted independence from the boss.
is this how i forsee my future?
hmm.. approaching 33 next year… gosh..
well.. i believe humankind NEEDs to take a leap of faith, nay trust in mankind.. and stop using hte elasticated bungee rope to keep their youngsters under control…
because that is not teaching them true liberation or the meaning of freedom. Heck.. our parent’s parents went through the war! they should be even MORE eager to pursue avenues of democracy!! no?!
keeping me like a toddler on some bungee cord brace… will not stand the test of time…
it will not allow me to grow, breath even..
and it will definitely NOT placate my sense of justice, morality or responsible agency.
So yes… I’ll cut that rope myself if necessary ;o)
[Reply]
Annie Reply:
November 14th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
will wave from the other neighbour rope and cut it together ;o)
<3
[Reply]
jumpee Reply:
November 14th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
ombilical cord
[Reply]
Elaine Stevens Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Namaste Catherine,
The only one we can control is ourselves. I learned that from Satre. :-) That knowledge saved my life more times than I care to remember. The other side of that is that we cannot control others. When I choose to surrender, it’s because it suits my purposes, cold as that may seem. Surrender is a choice just like acting out is.
There is a time for surrender and a time for acting out. Balance is essential. I know the rules, yet I break them or keep them as I will and accept the consequences for my actions. Older people, I’m 52 by the way, can only offer you our life experience as cautionary tales. We cannot choose for you, no matter how we try.
It’s your life, dear one. You decide how to live it according to your gifts. You will reap the rewards accordingly. The secret for me is loving myself and knowing my Greater Good. I learned it by seeking within so I could act without. Do with that knowledge as you will.
Love to you
[Reply]
You “are” creating the revolution Paulo… even as I write these words… a revolution of privacy zero… sharing… giving… what goes around, comes around… why do people always forget this… Truth?
Thank you for your courage, & Love, Paul
[Reply]
I was thinking on the quote, on how my father is never content with anything, he can receive gifts, help, but always theres some thing is not ok, and he shows that .
Than I thought at Mother Theresa, what if she does not care about the poor and ill?
But I realised that she was doing her generous acts not only because she wanted to please others, but because was her dream, her desire. Than the quote is right, indeed. So we have to find the things that matches both condition, helping and being our desire too.
Much love
Alexandra
[Reply]
I’m working on it, still a few voices in the background to be cleared out, but getting closer, then falling back, getting up and moving foreward again :-)
[Reply]
Surely it can not just be the elder generation who get to do what they wish to do, or to be who they wish to be..
without having to please others????
[Reply]
Namaste,
I don’t see how pleasing people and fulfilling myself are mutually exclusive. To me, balance is essential. We live in society. We cannot fulfill ourselves if we do not accept the What Is in life. I have a family. If I didn’t care about them, I wouldn’t be fulfilling me, since they are a part of me. I must accept me in order to accept them and their choices, so, as I said before, balance is essential.
Love to you
[Reply]
Den Rod Reply:
November 14th, 2009 at 1:59 am
I like you words
balance is essential
You sound like you are a revolution yourself
You sound good
bye
[Reply]
Elaine Stevens Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Namaste Den Rod,
Thank you. I’m no revolution, however. I’m just me.
Love to you
[Reply]
Hello, sometimes you are not sure who you want to be as the ideas of what we are supposed to be have been so much put into our mind that it is difficult to make out the difference in what we actually want.
[Reply]
Johanne Mercille Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Dear Monica, for me, I developed day by day relation with my inner self, my centre, my essential, listening to true emotions that arose, those that provoke the thoughts that I used to hear more than the inner voice, the inner intelligence. I needed to come back to that centre, my soul, give importance to it, listen to it, talking to it all the time, trying to capture its needs, its forces, asking each night to my soul to come to talk through dreams to my conscience, etc … For me, I believe that everything starts from me and that I needed to come back to my centre, since by the time I went away. Had to face walls, thoughts, beliefs, to reconcile with my emotions that are life, the start, those that were controlled by many means. Had to detect the enemies. I was and am able to become who I am by discovering and communicating with that part of me that I did stop listening to and respect due to many circumstances. I feel more solid, am able to be true to my “personal” values, to affirm them in a love and respect mode more and more. So, for me, to achieve that revolution, I had to come back within me and come back in relation with my essential, develop a true relation of faith, love, acceptance, free it… With affection, Jojo.
[Reply]
yes, but we also need to work together :-)
Love Jessica
[Reply]
…’love your enemy as yourself’…might end a lot of wars and suffering.
With love
Hildegarde
xxx
[Reply]
Den Rod Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 4:02 am
Hildegarde
nice thought,
you should participate more, I like you!
[Reply]
Hi Paulo,
A quote attributed to Albert Camus that “all revolutions end in tyranny” has slowed the launch of my own starship for many years.
A friend suggested re-evolution rather than revolution, implying that consciously thinking through which bits to go back and do again is likely to produce better results than plunging forward before we’ve cleaned up the mess of the past few decades of super-decay.
Thanks for the advice, I took it personally!
Best Wishes,
Dave,
Genadendal, South Africa
[Reply]
Dear Paulo,
I remember I wrote you some years ago and your answer was: fight for your dreams. Today I read this message. I’ve start this revolution some years ago, some days after I read your e-mail. Perhaps I was just needing to hear it even from someone else. Today I feel proud of myself: I reached part of my dreams.
[Reply]
Hope Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I got the same answer many many years ago from Paulo. From that day I began to think what my dreams are and today I think I know what my dream is. I am waiting for the miracle to happen so I can begin to live my dream. I am glad that you reached part of your dream. As Paulo wrote : always fight for your dreams with faith!
[Reply]
Vicky Reply:
November 14th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Fight for your dreams !!! I don’t have the force anymore…Any ideas how to re-fight ?
[Reply]
Paulo Coelho Reply:
November 14th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Yes. Just take a rest. Sometimes is a way of fighting