24 November 2009 – Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon today marked the 10th anniversary of the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women by launching a Network of Men Leaders, a major new initiative bringing together current and former politicians, activists, religious and community figures to combat the global pandemic.
“These men will add their voices to the growing global chorus for action,” he said, noting that 70 per cent of women experience in their lifetime some form of physical or sexual violence from men, the majority from husbands, intimate partners or someone they know.
Resources for the Fund, which gives grants to support innovative regional, local and national initiatives, fall drastically short for meeting a vast demand, with grant requests totalling $857 million received just for 2009. To address this gap, the target of raising an annual $100 million for the Fund by 2015 has been set by the Secretary-General as an objective of his UNiTE campaign.
By 2015, the UNiTE campaign aims to achieve the following five goals worldwide: adopt and enforce national laws to address and punish all forms of violence against women and girls; adopt and implement multi-sectoral national action plans; strengthen data collection on the prevalence of violence against women and girls; increase public awareness and social mobilization; and address sexual violence in conflict.
Members of the new Network include: Juan Carlos Areán, Programme Director of the Family Violence Prevention Fund; Gary Barker, International Centre for Research on Women; Ted Bunch, Co-founder of the National Association of Men and Women Committed to Ending Violence against Women; Brazilian novelist and UN Messenger of Peace Paulo Coelho; and Italian Foreign Minister Franco Fattini.
Others are: former Colombian President and Secretary General of the Organization of American States Cesar Gaviria Trujillo; former Chilean president Ricardo Lagos; Andrew Levack, Co-chair of MenEngageAlliance; Todd Minerson, Executive Director of the White Ribbon Campaign; Emmanuel Ochora of Gulu Youth for Action in Uganda; Dean Peacock, founder of Building Partnerships to End Men’s Violence; Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero; Norwegian Justice and Police Minister Knut Storberget; and Nobel Peace Prize laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa.
Women hold up half the sky. — Chinese proverb
For All Women Registry – Oprah.com
http://www.oprah.com/forallwomen
The key to ending poverty and injustice around the world is to educate and empower girls and women. Find out how you can help.
I am so glad to hear that men are standing up for women, against violence towards women, I think this is what is needed, for the good, kind, caring men to stand up and say this is not the way to treat women, we should love, care for and respect women.
Thank you for supporting us in this way and setting standards high up there, were they should be, I believe this way may just get through and set a good example to the new generation.
Why should we or anyone for that matter be treated in this demoralising way, to be abused by a man mentally and physically is the biggest scar on my life so far, I am still struggling to heal myself after many, many years of being out of that toxic situation…
Does it ever go away… I find it hard to trust a man anymore, I try, but I think I still put up some barrier I can never seem to give myself totally to a relationship and find that I push them away…
I just hope that the good men, the real men can help protect women against wasted years thank you again Paulo and others.
Hi J!
Do You remember when You were a teenager, and there were certain things that You thought would never change, or certain things that You thought You never would get over? And years later thinking about those things it would maybe even make You laugh at these thoughts. Because if years back we thought as if nothing ever would change, it did anyway.
Well, at times, life can create these moments, when You feel down. So that after having to go through something drastical, we may feel that way again later in life, as we did back then when we were insecure, afraid, alone… etc. Situations may come that will remind You of these ‘old’ feelings.
These same kind of challenges may come Your way, many times, which give You mainly two ways how to react towards them: to react(or feel) to it as You have, so far, or to find a new way to react/feel.
Even if the change isn’t there right now, and even if You even don’t believe if there ever will… life goes on, and we learn, we get over things and we transform. Even if at this point it doesn’t seem so.
You’ll get over that barrier.
But it will be on it’s own time. And You will want to get over it… deep down. Worked for me, when I started to look at simple beautiful things in life, like a sunset, the sound of the waves of the sea, children running around, joking, a smile on a person. Etc. Little signs of (pure) love. Try to find a way to make You able to believe. And the life will turn around.
Love,
L.
[kaltura-widget wid="xv0zv4unvo" size="comments" /]
Thursday night I attended the UK premier of Hurried Steps, a play about the violent abuse of women, afterwards there was a discussion led by the director of the play.
http://keithpp.wordpress.com/2009/11/27/hurried-steps/
Listening to the discussion and and going from memory, 90% of abuse was directed at women, 10% at men, one in every four women is abused. I say abuse, as it is not necessarily physical, the abuse can be psychological. As one participant said, bruises heal, broken bones mend, but psychological scars take a very long time to heal. She was placed on medication, to then be raped by her violent partner whilst sedated. She went to the police, the police chose to take no action. Her children are growing up thinking this is normal behaviour, and so the cycle of violence and abuse repeats itself.
I see Nepalese girls, they are shipped back to Nepal for a forced marriage, but that is political correctness, it is rape by another name. Back they come with new husband. Their life destroyed. It is not easy to escape, because if they do escape, where do they go, family and friends will not help them.
Many women cannot leave home, not because they do not wish to leave, or lack the courage to leave, what they lack is the money to set up a new home.
Hostels are available, but are difficult to get into, and when you do, maybe wish you had not. These can be pretty grim places.
Local council housing departments, social service departments, do everything they can not to help, to deny there is a problem.
Ten years ago a friend finally found the courage to leave her abusive husband who to put it bluntly was a complete arsehole. I do not think he physically abused her, or if he did there was no obvious signs and she denied he did, but he treated her as a doormat and skivvy. Her life was a misery. She stupidly went back. I cannot throw away eight years of my marriage, she said. She had her whole life ahead of her, what was eight years? Since going back, she is never seen, does not appear to be let out of the house. By all accounts, her husband is still an arsehole.
It was suggested young men be educated not to behave this way. Maybe. But I would far rather see the young women educated that they do not have to put up with the abuse, that they can walk away.
Listening to a Member of Parliament today (recorded yesterday), he said that since he had been elected, all the murders bar one in his constituency involved domestic violence. He went on to say, nationally, two women are killed every week.
Thank you for your interesting post.
Widespread abuse of women is occurring out here in the Middle East. I would just like to comment on a couple of the points you mentioned, with reference to the Middle East.
“It was suggested young men be educated not to behave this way.”
This would be a very difficult task here, as most men think that female genital mutilation is desirable and expected. So how would anyone be able to change their attitudes towards women? I think it would take generations, because it is deeply seated in the culture.
” But I would far rather see the young women educated that they do not have to put up with the abuse, that they can walk away.”
This idea would not be effective out here as many women find themselves TRAPPED in violent relationships. For example, jealous husbands often do not give money to their wives so that they are not able to leave the home. If they talk to a family member then the violence increases…etc Even if they could arrest the husband, his family and friends would bribe the judges and he would be set free to continue as before. If she escaped, she could be killed or if not her, one of her family members. So as you can see this is a very complex issue and it would not be easy for a woman to just “walk away”.
Thank you…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaF4u3NfTtM
Christian Kane
Mary Can You Come Outside
Mary and a man live in a two-bedroom beside me
Used to see her in the hall at night
Passed her on the street
But lately she ain’t comin’ around no more
She hides indoors
Afraid of what the world might say if they knew
What I know
Mary, can you come outside?
Take a walk with me in the sunshine
Maybe then you could tell me why
And all in all you seem to have it all
So why do you cry?
I hear you through the walls at night
Mary, can you come outside?
It’s 2AM and the battle starts again
I pray for your innocence in a war you’ll never win
Should I just sit here on these hands of mine
One more time
Or should I use them on him
The way he does on you?
Mary, can you come outside?
Take a walk with me in the moonlight
Maybe then you could tell me why
And all in all you seem to have it all
So why do you cry?
I hear you through the walls at night
Mary, can you come outside?
Should I just sit here on these hands of mine
One more time?
Or should I use them on him
The way he does on you?
Mary, can you come outside?
Take a walk with me in the moonlight
Maybe then you could tell me why
And all in all you seem to have it all
So why do you cry?
I hear you through the walls at night
Oh Mary, can you come outside?
Take a walk, take a walk with me tonight
And maybe then you could tell me why
Mary, can you come outside?
Sweet Mary can you come outside?
If you get the chance to see it, then Hurried Steps by Dacia Maraini performed by New Shoes Theatre is an absolute must. I saw the UK premier at the Mill Studio in Guildford Thursday night (26 November 2009). It is a very powerful moving performance of violence on women based on eight Amnesty International cases. It left myself and my lovely girlfriend Sian feeling numb.
http://keithpp.wordpress.com/2009/11/27/hurried-steps/
Here is a link to the UNiTE framework. It is a pdf file:
http://www.un.org/en/women/endviolence/pdf/framework_booklet.pdf
After a couple of days of thinking about this, the more thankful I feel to to the men involved in UNiTE. Still just as excited too!
Very grateful also, because my son has become involved, to assist in any way, and offer friendship to a young mother that has just left a violent relationship.
There are many wonderful men, and now, the world can become even better as we reach out to offer understanding and compassion to each other (and hold those who would abuse, accountable for their actions too).
Much Love to All, Jane : ) xo
wisdom & strength are found in silence.
give yourself. time for silence daily.
time to relaxe, time to rest
& again from time to time
pray without words
Josh Gorban, You raise me up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGK5ZYjZ6oY&feature=related
Eva Cassidy, Somewhere
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccCnL8hArW8
Hi AnswerInStillness,
I love that song ‘You Raise Me Up’ (although in the link You posted, it is not Josh singing it).
The message behind it is overwhelming, in the most positive way possible to mean it. It gives strenght beyond limits. Beautiful. Thank You.
Thanks also for the suggestions,
how to gain wisdom and strenght.
Love and peace,
L.
You are welcome, Liina, thank you.
Love
Como se puede escuchar a la voz de la mujer si no tiene representacion?
How can a woman ’s voice be heard if she is not represented herself?
Comment peut-on entendre la voix de la femme si elle n’est pas elle-meme representee?
Hi, Marie-Christine
Well… I guess, if it’s said that in every person, there is a man and a woman, then I guess it isn’t entirely true, what You said. But I understand Your thought.
Be well,
L.
dear Liina
I agree – we all have a masculine and a feminine side -
when I look at the list I can see only a “male representation”
still I am sure that with Paulo on our side and the blessing of Bishop Tutu we’ll be well represented…;)
Love and light
..still does not seem to be right to me. :)
The Issue
Domestic Violence and technology
Domestic violence
sexual harrasment
trafficking of women
communication rights
more ..
http://www.takebackthetech.net/know-more
http://www.takebackthetech.net/
Take Back The Tech! is a collaborative campaign that takes place during the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-based Violence (25 Nov – 10 Dec). It is a call to everyone – especially women and girls – to take control of technology to end violence against women.
Ha sido muy sorprendente para mí leer que formes parte de esta comisión de autoridades que trabajaran en conjunto para eliminar la violencia contra la mujer. Contando un poco de historia muchos de ustedes habrán escuchado de Las Hermanas Mirabal, tres hermanas nacidas en República Dominicana y que vivieron bajo el régimen dictatorial de Rafael Leonidas Trujillo (1930-1960) de mucha violencia siendo asesinadas a palos y tiradas por un barracón por oponerse al régimen opresor. De esto pueden saber en la obra “La Fiestas del Chivo” de Mario Vargas Llosa o en la película “En el tiempo de las Mariposas” con Salma Hayek.
Con esto sabemos que son realmente alarmante los casos que se han dado y aun se dan, en mi caso que soy de América latina y en especifico del Caribe donde en nuestra cultura reina un sentido machistas y tenemos los países con las más altas tasas de violencia en contra de la mujer, ejemplo de eso son los casos que ocurren en la ciudad de Juárez o en República Dominicana que en el 2008 se registraron 185 feminicidios, lo que demuestra que mueren alrededor de unas 4 mujeres, sin realmente contar todos los casos que si ocurren porque están semi ocultos, además de de que no todas las mujeres declaran el abuso que han recibido.
Es de importante saber las razones porque las mujeres se permiten esto, por ejemplo en mi país, una de las razones de por las que las mujeres aguantan más tiempo el ser violentadas es la ignorancia, ya sea porque viven en pobreza donde el hombre es el que da el sustento de la casa, ella no trabaja por ende aguanta todos los arranques de ira que el hombre trae consigo. Son ignorantes porque nunca se prepararon profesionalmente y solo llegaron hasta la primaria y eso no les permite tener un trabajo digno. Son ignorantes las autoridades porque no asisten de manera correcta estos tipos de casos, no tienen un equipo disciplinario que ayude a nuestras mujeres a salir de la situación. Siempre he escuchado a las mujeres con las cuales crecí y que han sufrido violencia, la causa mayor que aguantan tanto es porque son ignorantes y no tiene como tener un buen trabajo para poder sustentarse ellas y sus hijos por eso aguantan. ” Esas son las mujeres del tercer mundo, como les gusta llamarnos los países ricos”.
Doy gracias a Dios porque se están tomando medidas generales para combatir esto, porque es algo atroz que una niña, una adolecente o una mujer tenga que vivir con la violencia. En mi caso presencié cuando niña la violencia física de mi padre hacia mi madre, mas cuando ella me mostró el golpe; esa acción de ella caló mucho en mi ser, ya que me hizo ver que nunca podría permitir que algo así me ocurriera, de todos modos esa no fue la única violencia que enfrento ella, también presencié la violencia verbal de mi padre hacia mi madre, con palabras despectivas, denigrantes y ofensivas, esa violencia la recibí al igual. Nunca podía entender como alguien que supuestamente te ama podía trata a la otra persona así. Y entendí que ninguna mujer debe permitir que se le trate de tal manera.
Y no solo la mujer, lamentablemente, también un número de hombres son violentados, porque al igual mi madre le devolvía palabras violentas; con los hombres las estadísticas son menos pero si enfrentan este flagelo, lo que nos deja claro que no es solo cuestión de un género en específico. Tenemos que tener bien claro que esto es una condición humana que se da, y que por eso como humanos debemos combatirla, empezando en casa a concientizar a nuestros niños y niñas a que la violencia no debe de permitirse bajo ninguna circunstancia.
http://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminicidios_en_Ciudad_Ju%C3%A1rez
http://portal.onu.org.do/noticias/la-onu-llama-a-hombres-y-mujeres-a-unirse-contra-la-violencia-de-genero
http://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/En_el_tiempo_de_las_mariposas
http://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_fiesta_del_chivo
la cruaute mentale est du sadisme, une relation malsaine ,injuste
la cruaute mentale est une sentence,une sentence dans l’ame.
Bless this cause.
I believe that society will only improve by protecting the Woman side of humanity.
I totally agree with you. Although I appreciate the approach…
Thank you Paulo.
I am happily surprised to read your headline on the blog ‘ UN network of men leaders to combat violence against Women’It is a strong male voice telling the truth for survivors and victims of abuse. I am heartened by this headline and find it hopeful as a strong survivor and victim of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse.Speaking out about the very personal issue of Domestic Violence is not possible for individuals without strong forums that support this issue (like this blog) and take it seriously.Male voices are a good example to young males who are contemplating going down the road of abuse towards an intimate partner ; putting the focus on educating young people in self awareness as to the reasons why an intimate loved one male or female is violent within their relationship. Male voices will shine a light on this ‘dirty secret’ and join forces with women who are already vocal about it.
The general public’and extended families of victims totally misunderstand what is happening in a domestic violent relationship.It is hard for the victim to understand what is going on in their relationship.IE You fall in love with an attractive guy , lovely ,charming person ,who may have signs of possessiveness and a bit of jealously but you create a wonderful life together in the firt year or more. Then they switch behaviour -and attack verbally ,for example it might be for a minute it might be for an hour and then they will cover up ,deny make things ‘better than ever’!! or play on your kindness…and you want things to be better ,you love this person, you enjoy manys shared interests,and you don’t want to ’see yourself’ as a person living like this so its easier to forget until the next time…until the next time , until the next time. You develope unhealthy ways of coping to survive, you are strong but get ill and scared .. You and your children are the only ones bearing the brunt of this , you and your children may develope post traumatic stress disorder or stockholm syndrom you are after all in emotionally captivity )You and your children live in this bubble of devastation-no outsider knows and the ones you tell don’t believe you.
Why ? – they expeience your partner as fun ,successful,attractive guy , a guy who makes them feel good about themselves – a charmer ! a snazzy dresser (like the guy in the book American Psyo), a guy who ‘grooms’ people like a child abuser ‘grooms’ children. This is how you experience him also ,most of the time.
People look at you differantly when you tell them and you feel dirthy ,ashamed and they say:
‘Why ? don’t you leave if hes that bad’ You don’t leave because you have been threatened (maybe only for a minute or two and then it was covered up)..that if you ever leave ‘ you will end up unrecognisable’ or if you ever leave ‘I will kill you’ ‘I will kill you if you ever tell anyone’ ( and by the way I never said this in the first place. Then he’l walk the dog,do the wash up.make the fire and put out the bins and make dinner .
Why ? don’t you leave if he’s that bad ? because he will stalk you..because he will break down and cry , plead forgiveness , threaten sucicide, because he will ‘throw shapes’ about going for counselling or working on anger because he won’t let you go you are trapped. You don’t leave because you are still working on your own recovery. You are not trapped but no you are free…(‘it is difficult to completely comprehend the Bluebeardian force..the malignant predator of the psyche’ /Women who runs with the Wolvesby Clarissa Pinkola Estes)
Why? don’t you leave if he’s that bad.You don’t leave because its hard to leave your home( and the women’s aid shelter smelled of pee,and in your profession living in a shelter would be frowned upon by your boss anyway,
and it nearly broke you renting a house last time and you don’t want to leave your home again ( you don’t have extended family and your friends don’t really want to take this on their door step )where you are cosy a lot of the time and you love the scenery of where you live ,in this state a woman loses her energy, and you think ‘he has mellowed’ and ‘he has Yes he’s not as bad as he used to be….’even though you have a broken home and one of the children will never return home.
Why? if he’s that bad would you risk writing on the blog …..
Love
Breda
Amen!! Lady….I’ve been there too…and escaped!
Well Done Paula I congratulate you,Hope you are having a good life now? love Breda :)
you’re still right in the middle of it aren’t you, poor thing! And the price to leave is too high! i feel you and wish you wisdom.
Thank you Montega so much for your kind words and your ‘wish’for wisdom for me at this time Love Breda : )
now i read ‘wish you wisdom’ as if i have any idea what that could look like – well, i don’t. i do know about the pissy smell of shelters though, and the violence amongst woman in it, i know too what it’s like having nowhere to turn to, – and how deeply ashamed one can feel for knowing better than letting this happen to ones life. i have been too ashamed to talk about it for years and if i do now i still have this bragging tone, as if it was all just a big adventure and not escaping the violence in my own home.
Writing about it is very brave! You don’t hide anymore once you write. And if you don’t hide you are not ashamed. i suppose thats being wiser then i ever was.
Thank you from a woman’s heart, congratulations!
With love
Hildegarde
xxx
Signs: Work for love and peace!
Carissimo Paulo,
spero che tu legga personalmente questo mio messaggio perchè anch’io vorrei in qualche modo entrare a far parte della cerchia di coloro che difendono i diritti delle donne, specialmente delle bambine, nel mondo intero. A questo proposito ti ho inviato un mio manoscritto al tuo indirizzo nei Pirenei. Se vale qualcosa per la pubblicazione, devolverò un terzo dei possibili futuri guadagni per la causa dell’alfebetizzazione delle bambine povere, quindi indirettamente anche per la causa della protezione delle donne dalla violenza.
La violenza sulle donne non è solo fisica, ma anche di pregiudizio culturale, morale, religioso…, essendo la donna vista come l’anello debole e di conseguenza più prevaricabile della società.
Grazie per la tua attenzione, grazie a nome di tutte le donne del mondo, Paulo. Non avevo dubbi circa il fatto che tu ami sinceramente le donne. Questo ti fa un grandissimo onore, non solo presso il mondo femminile, ma sopratutto tra il genere umano intero. Grazie, grazie, grazie! Margherita
I feel so relief after hearing this matter is now worldwide and people are working on to stop this. It’s growing each and each day, especially in aisian countries, I am so looking forward to see those men punished!
I’ve seen a lot of women suffer in silence about it just because they want maintain peace in their house and so-called society.
Thankyou so much Paulo for being part of this, you gave me yet another reason to say proudly you are my favourite writer.
Thanks so much again Paulo.
In the news in the UK today, http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8376943.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8377836.stm
Schools are to give lessons to children to EDUCATE them, from the age of 5 years old, that violence against women or girls is unacceptable.
Many parent groups have questioned this move, and see it as politically incorrect, but that is absurd in my opinion, it is a case of educating that this behaviour is totally wrong…
Worringly the NSPCC recently undertook research which showed:
“Recent research by the children’s charity NSPCC found one in four girls, some as young as 13, had been slapped or hit by their boyfriends.
It also found one in nine had been beaten up, hit by objects or strangled.
Christine Barter, NSPCC senior research fellow at Bristol University, said it was a significant problem that had not been addressed.
She suggested the problem arose from teenage girls’ “unequal power relationships” with boyfriends – a feature of violent adult relationships too.
She said it was particularly disconcerting that these girls were not telling anyone about the violence”.
Raising awareness and providing education on this issue is essential to erradicate it completely.
yes i just heard this today on the radio also… hooray! but what a subject to be entering schools…
let’s hope they approach it… sensibly ;o)
oeps, something went wrong with the link…..
… try again.
http://www.idfa.nl/nl/Festival/programma-2009/idfa-media-talks/talk-of-the-day/film.aspx?ID=27d2707b-eae9-4ab4-a714-51b2216a3ab8
There is woman living in slavery today! Just a few hour by plane away from you: Algeria!
Check this movie link from IDFA, the International Documentary Film Festival about ‘Stolen’, a documentary by filmmakers Violeta Ayala and Daniell Fallshaw who are now intimidated and threatened.
Thankyou Paulo for caring enough to get involved. Close family and friends of mine had been hurt via being sexually molested, raped, gang raped.
I think a lack of morals, parents not teaching their kids to respect women, learning by example, men not being able to control their emotions due to financial troubles, men who need to feel in power, control (expected to be macho) – are all parts of the problem.
Culture as well. Some women show little respect for themselves, treating themselves as nothing more than a sex object and it is as though they almost expect men to mistreat them – and there seem to be quite a few of these macho idiots who are willing to comply.
Fantastic Paulo. All power and success to this cause. I hope it receives the funding they are hoping for so that the difference is real and ongoing. Surely with strong leadership men can channel their energy in positive ways in and outside the home and make a difference to the world?
With love, Daniel
It’s great there are people going worldwide in any matters, in the goal for helping those who are in need, who may be either in the side of the victim, or who are victimising. Or to simply take it to the attention, give out more information, make it an issue in our conciousness (in every day life).
Yes, it is important that there are oragnisations who can do this. They have the ability to influence and reach the world. But not only the organisations, dear friends. Ee should not forget, that matters also start from single persons, who may, looking from the perspecive of the whole world, be unknown (and because of that may seem unimportant – because we are dealing with quantity, in this case). We also have to pitch in. When we see an event occuring that gives us hints of abuse, when we oversee abusing – we also must act, and not be afraid. If we are ready, we will be able to.
Quantity can become quality.
Team work. Every single person in the world plus organisations. Becomes the whole world. And in every matter, in every type of abuse, or any other matter in this world.
Thank You for making us think daily, Paulo.
And thank You for Your solidarity.
Love,
L.
Really nice thing to be heard, hope the common men will listen to leaders. We have that violence problem in our country too. But who arrive in people homes, in private life? They observed that since poverty increase, violence in family increase too. I hope we will be witness to a big evolution in the matter. A woman cant be touch neither with a flower, we say.
Love
Alexandra
This is amazing – WELL DONE. I honor you for standing alongside all the other men and women to fight this challenge!
Where’s Jackson Katz? You need him in your Network!
I am glad that this is being addressed. the more men that support this cause the better. I understand some women feel that they do not need the help or that men should not help and all that they need is a good gun but dosen’t that add to the problem. Fighting violence with violence does not get us anywhere. And I know a man who was the ‘victim’ of spousal abuse (he was once hospitalized). The true problem is the violent attitudes that people have towards each other. Why do we find it necessary to ‘dominate’ other people? Are we afraid of equality? Many questions.
Keep up the good work, Paulo.
Yes it is wonderful that the world can support this! And I am attending a meeting tomorrow in a nation university in Ireland to support this cause. The one point I will make is that there is also domestic violence against men. I know this because I was in a domestic violent relationship for five years – emotional, physical, sexual and mental abuse… When she wasn’t cheating on me she was abusing me and when she wasn’t abusing me she was on drugs… So hear a voice for men and if you ever meet me see my scars – one instance she hit me so hard in the groin with her knee I limped for six weeks and did not call the doctor (which I should have) and she knew I had problems in the past with my groin. If you ever meet me and notice my nose is not quiet straight you know why. And if you ever kiss me and feel a scar on my lip you know why. I have had black eyes and even broke my own hand. Domestic abuse is evident across every border…. Women, children and men….
P.S. I posted this months ago but asked Supi to take my post down because it as too personal…
Here is an article which I read today in the news which will bring the male struggle to light… ( I also personally know a guy who was stabbed in the hand by a lover!) (all men are not all bastards!)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/london/8375911.stm
Yes Kealan…no one has been immune. Thank you for sharing your heart and this article.
Love, Jane : )
I do not want to over shadow what women are going through & wanted to share my story – I’m glad it is all over now & I thank God every day for his help… (Paulo helped me 2!)
I understand, and I’m glad it is over for you too, Kealan!!
Love, Jane : )
Absolutely right Kealan, there is always another side to the coin, and it does take 2 to Tango… do inform us of the outcome of your uni visit today…
Dear Paul… The uni visit was most interesting. I learned that in Ireland 159 women have lost their lives through violence from the hands of men. 51% of the women knew their killer – who was either a former partner/current husband/current partner!
It is crazy to think about it…
Dear Kealan – I agree. No need to define wether the person who is abusing is a man or a woman. The devision becomes irrelevant, but the situation itself is relevant.
I understand.
It’s difficult to cope with that type of life…
Life’s not easy, when we’re being killed mentally (by physical or mental abuse). But I’m very glad You’ve broken out of it.
Af first, it’s difficult, later it becomes easier.
For some, on the other hand, it’s the other way around: the beginning is easy and what comes later is difficult.
But You’ve broken out of it, which means, You want a better life. And You will have it… if You only accept and welcome it to Your life. I’ve had trouble with this one, because at first I did not believe I deserved a better life. But You do, I did/do, and so does everyone.
And You’ll have it.
So, take it, Kealan.
World is Your oyster. :)
Hot bevereges were advised here on several occasions. So if You will, I’ll have a cup of tea/coffee with You. But also with Alexandra, because she’s ill and also needs it. And if anyone else wants to join in, You’re welcome.
Be well,
Silly Liina
I’m haveing a coffee now!!! Thanks Liina for your wise insight
Dear Kealan,
I’m thankful that you broke up with her! and that you opened your heart. Yes it is vulnerable and strong to share your story with us…and the world.
Thank you
Much love
Hildegarde
xxx
Thank you Hildegarde! She actually ran off with a sex offender 15 years older than her! When it all fell apart she wanted to come back but I had to be strong and look after myself… I am very happy now in life – being single for a while! It was scary at times..
Well I had heard about violence against men too.
The advantage of woman is that they talk cry and complain about what happens to her, that’s why sometimes violence against men seem something unknown for some people.
So good to know that you are free from her now, but still I wander, how could you stand her hurting you that much? You must have been very strong for bearing all that.
I wish you good luck!
Love
Olta
ho Kealan,
you’re the first man ever that i heard about his experience first hand. That is extremely brave and to do so twice is even more brave!
In violence everyone is cought, the perpetrator as well as the victim. The perpetrator suffers as much as the victim, that is why victims forgive, they see the vulnerability that makes the other lash out. In the effect turning away from violence is always the best thing, in the long run though one HAS to do something. We all know what it feels like to be weak and shaky and how that can turn to anger and agression. By knowing ourselves we can help the perpetraters. That sounds easy, but it isn’t.
Wishing you well on you way:) The path to knowledge is living ones life shameless.
The Middle East…
There are alarming rates of physical and psychological violence towards women in the Middle East! Often women have to suffer alone and in silence and have no recourse to outside help.
Please remember them…
Thank you Theresa, for this reminder. I will remember!
Love to All, Jane : )
how can one possibly remember a person who is invisible?
Something should be done!
Like when petition after petition went around the world to free woman in Afghanistan. However opposed i am to the ongoing war, i do realize that a few woman now do get an education, and have access to medical care. So little and so few but impossible without knowledge of how bad the situation was.
Couldn’t you do something?
Like put stories of what you see and hear on your face book blog. People simply have to know the stories and the forced fates of these woman, and you’re part of a very strong network here.
Dear Paulo,
Exciting news, oh thank you – have goosebumps after reading this article. A new day for the heart to sing and cheer. YES!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2dW0MALFwU
God bless all.
A heart FULL of Love, Jane : ) xo
I’ve just come back from three years [on/off] in northern Ghana, where aside from environment work, I was able to learn much on my organisation’s work for women’s rights.
In this country, it is not just the women who you need to liberate, mentally and physically …
but also it takes education and key information, advocacy and policy work, to inform all the male village leaders [within the chieftancy traditional system].
If you can get them on your side, then you not only liberate the women of that community, but their children aswell.
This is a traditional society… and yes, you work within that to some extent, I feel.
……………
So give these UN diplomats some kudos guys…
and think before you read some stats and make harsh conclusions too quickly before DETAIL !!! ;o)
… but until now…
which MEN HAVE YOU HEARD speaking UP LOUD AND CLEAR???!!!
So – yes
about time there ARE MEN
taking PROACTIVE networking
to show their support
and to say to all their fellow men
WE SHALL NOT BEAR THIS INTOLERANCE ANY [damn] MORE
!!!!
;o)
exactly, it is one thing to have woman protest but very important too that men themselves distanciate themselves from violence and supression.
Paulo, you’re brilliant!
So glad and thankful you have got involved with the UN on this crucial issue.
And yes… let’s NOT forget it takes men, as well as women to be key agents… ;o)
… to put it more clearly WHY it IS essential for men and women to BOTH get involved…
because WE NEED BOTH
MEN and WOMEN role models
x
YES Catherine, we need both together!! Brilliant.
Did you see this today?
http://blog.amnestyusa.org/women/an-evolution-in-zimbabwe/
There is much to do, and my heart is cheering and singing so loudly! Love, Love, Love…
Lots of Love, Jane : ) xo
yes.. it is great..
i have for some time thought… why or how this subject of female abuse can be best approached… and in my mind men should not be left out of the process.
The spread of female torture, abuse et al is so widespread… and women are violated in so many ways…
in failed dowry marriages where women can be blinded by acid; in times of war when women become raped or used as sex slaves; or females restricted from primary basic education and instead trafficked for child labour in the cities; or girl’s sold into prostitution …
the threats to the feminine are widespread.
I realise that there are abuses of men also… though in my mind the CULTURAL threats are more instilled right now to disempower and abuse women MORE than those cultural practices that leave men disadvantaged or abused.
This is why, in my opinion, the female issue is the burning one… because it is embedded in cultural [i want to say practices, but that is not quite the right phrase..] processes.
A problem shared is a problem halved. But I do think sometimes men need to take charge of their own issues, and the issue of violence against women is a male one. Support for women and families who have suffered from domestic and sexual violence can be handled in other ways, but I strongly believe men need to take charge of the male side of the issue, the perpetrators.
With love, Daniel
i agree…
if you consider the traditional marriage system or any patriarchal society even… it is the man who must seek permission from the father of the bride to be…
so if the husband then begins to abuse his wife… what else is this act saying, but “two fingers” of disrespect up to the father-in-law… [the father of the bride].
ERGO…. the fathers must GET involved…
men must BE involved.
Vice versa… if a husband was being abused by the wife, I’d say.. ‘mothers’ must be the advocates… facilitators…
Catherine, correct me if i am wrong but i think that poverty and not seeing a way out of it makes people very angry. When a man sees his children undernourished and his wife exhausted and he can’t help them, he gets to see them as the problem and abuse is right at hand. Education and health care are the clue to a lot of ‘cultural’
violence. In my opinion many people will help themselves as soon as they don’t have to spend all their energy on survival anymore.
wow. that’s a stark conclusion to raise. In some ways I can see your point at how a husband/father can appear to turn his back on the wife/children because as you say… they are part of the problem.
But i would have to argue that they are not hte problem..
again i would highlight that it is cultural expectations that deny the father from feeling accomplished… even if his family are poor and undernourished during a famine period. We are not gods after all.
And so I can never forgive abuse made against hte fmaily in this way. I can hear it and try to understand what stresses that person [father/husband] was perhaps feeling under..
but i’d never say he had that right.
Education and health are the key indeed..
Thank you for addressing this topic, dear Paulo, and being one of the members and raising this sunstantial issue! of violence, of abuse, whether sexual, or of any other form, against women and girls, is unacceptable, it creates huge voids in the soul of a woman…
Love and Graditude
Annie
Que estupendo Paulo que participes en esto con tu peso de personalidad influyente haras que todo cambie.
Yo tambien estoy orgullosa de ti y me gustaría que todos tus compatriotas tomen nota, los que te quieren porque se sentirán orgullosos como yo y los demás que tomen nota para la hora de sus juicios y sepan las cosas que haces por todo el Mundo.
Gracias a Dios no eres sólo de Brazil eres de todo el Mundo.
Un beso muy fuerte y un abrazo, estoy muy contenta.
Where have all the women gone??
I don’t understand why a bunch of men have to be nominated to take care of women, give us a good gun and we can take care of ourselves and anybody who messes with us. Its bad only when men interfere in our business and then things get ugly, this is such a waste…
No offense Paulo, I am a great fan of yours but there is a line that no man should cross… We women need our freedom to defend ourselves, women sick of being treated as helpless or as da ones who need a man around to sort out life’s problems…
You said it, sista Shivani!! It is more sustainable for women to be empowered to stand up for themselves than to rely on larger, more patriarchal institutions and governments to forever be coming to their rescue. But in saying so, I must say that a woman standing up for herself shouldn’t imply she does so in isolation– women need to network, to get together with other women, to form strong communities, forums, and coalitions built on support, trust, and a drive and passion for change. The focus of a government or network such as Unite then, in my opinion, is to allow for such groups and coalitions to form and safely grow without harrassment or danger.
In addition, men could stand to learn about what they have to lose if they don’t recognize the value of women in society. The educational focus, beyond mere research and statistics on rates of violence, can also focus on making a realistic connection between women and economic, social, and moral vitality.
Dear Paulo, thank you make sensitive us in this big cause. Some weeks ago, I read an article. It said that in France, a woman dies every other day further to family violence! It gives to think ! The material misery is terrible and allied with the human misery, it becomes worse. Thank you for your implication for this campaign.
Light & Love,
EXCELLENT!
Thank you, thank you, thank YOU!
Qué buena noticia!
Gracias por compartirla
I do hope that this network does actually impact and reduce numbers of acts of violence against women..
But I can’t help but feel that there is something missing..
The fact that there aren’t any women involved – to me – makes it a lot less feasible to have a positive affect than if there were women involved. It might be better received by battered women.
But all the same, best of luck dear Paulo, I do hope it brings positive results
<3
Dear Paulo,
Thanks for being part of this group! I’m a master student of International Health and am writing my thesis on the subject of male involvement in sexual and reproductive health and the effects on gender equity. And if there’s one finding of my study that sticks out it’s the lack of political commitment and leadership in this issue. But although more and more men are becoming aware of the harm that’s caused to women due to gender inequity, men and women tend to forget it’s harmful for men too! Please speak out for the men that suffer from our current notice of what is manly, and only behave and respond towards women the way they were taught too. I think when men don’t need to prove themselves towards other men, their behaviour towards women will change at a much higher speed, then when we just condemn violence against women…
Thank you!
Quote “noting that 70 per cent of women experience in their lifetime some form of physical or sexual violence from men, the majority from husbands, intimate partners or someone they know” Unquote
I applaud this campaign whole heartedly… Congratulations Paulo for playing an active role… however, a very important violence factor has not been mentioned… psychological violence… perhaps the most dangerous and crippling of all…?
Love, to all Paul
Or emotional abuse
Yes Paul. Thank you. Here is a cute quote from ‘A History of Women’;
‘Woman is a slave that one must learn to place upon a throne, by showering her with flowers and fragrances’. Balzac.
Yes, dearest Paul, you are so right , absolutely right this abuse is the most dangerous of all.. and kills you like a smooth criminal.. (Michael Jackson song)
Love and Graditude
Annie
Yes dear Annie, Eddie was certainly not OK… I know how he feels, Love as always, Paul
Dear Paul,
My son called to talk about this issue last night. Emotional abuse has been difficult to define, yet we all know inside, from very young, what hurts. Thank you for mentioning.
Lots of Love, Jane : ) xo
Dear Paul, let me make my conclusions with the help of Your (and the original) posting.
Violence and abusing is what it is. Wether it is physical or mental is not relevant. Yes, mental abuse becomes relevant if it is (and often is, but not always) even better hidden and covered. But abuse is abuse and to me it seems to make no difference. All abuse (whatever type they’d be) would have to be dealt with, without no exeptions.
But nevertheless, it was a good point to make, and I understand Your thought.
Love,
L.
As long a woman are denied equal rights to an education and don’t earn a living on their own, we are slaves.
I work daily as an immigration attorney representing clients in distress such as victims of crimes and domestic violence. It is hard work but very rewarding. Knowing that our work, brain and hands can make a change in a woman and child’s life is one of the biggest blessing in my life.
My respects to all of you who support the cause and Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Ana maria
And thankyou Ana Maria
And it’s about time they do something in Ciudad Mexico!Don’t you think?Coward corrupted cokehead monsters!
Hello Paulo,
I just want to say that I work with teaching women to heal their lives, and I have long believed that what the world needs is not “reduced power” to men, but more authentic, true, honest and real male energy and empowerment! Women cannot heal without you guys! Hooray and thank you.
L’iniziativa è ammirevole. La violenza sulle donne lascia un segno indelebile nella vita delle vittime, come una profonda cicatrice che non andrà più via. Perciò ben vengano progetti internazionali come questo. Tuttavia sarebbe auspicabile che anche grandi donne importanti della politica mondiale vi partecipino. D’altronde si parla di violenza sulle donne.
Daniela
It’ s incredible we are in 2009 an so many women still suffer from violence !
I can’t imagine what happen in those men’s mind :-(
When i was young, i saw this kind of violence around me. Difficult today to be in peace, and feel in securite…
Good job men ! education, and talking about this taboo subject is so important.
That is nice and everything, but they couldn’t manage to find even one woman leader to join the network? I know there are plenty women leaders out there, it’s not like there is a shortage. I find it slightly ironic in a way, especially since men are the main cause of violence against women. And I guess I am just confused on why its only men?
I so agree with you Caroline… MAJOR FRUSTRATION!!!
Oddly enough this is how the world seems to work since… a long long time. I’m still living in the vain hope this will change one day. There are some groups and politicians in Holland (where I live) that are trying to do so, so who knows in a 1000 years from now..
Also think Paul is making a very good point. Unfortunatly speaking from experience and knowing what its like to be in a relationship with physical violance, as well as relationships with psychological violance… I must admit if I had to choose, I’d “prefer” physical violance.
Anyway, glad to hear Paulo is involved in this group :)
Love
My ex-husband beat me like a dog in the street in Lebanon and no body help me because that was family problem. He stolen my daughter because that was his men’s right. He broke my life and nobody can help me without money….
I’m so sorry Polina… My mother experienced abuse in her marriage and when she tried to leave she wasn’t allowed to take us (her daughters) with her. Thank-you for having the courage to share your story because it reminds us that we are not alone.
Thank-you Paulo for your strength, hope, and for speaking for those who can’t. Thank-you for being our V-Man!
Yes, this action may help to “change the culture” – the culture of not getting involved because it is a family situation, the culture of disrespecting women as though they are second class citizens, the culture of machism and chest beating.
I talked once with a taxi driver and he told me his story about violence against women. He used to work at night in Paris.
The driver had two clients, a man and his wife. When driving, he saw the man starting to beat his wife very hard. The driver didn’t know how to react in this situation. After a few seconds, he decided to stop the car and took the man out to fight him and defend the woman. When the driver was starting to take over the situation, he got hit at the back of his head and fell down: the man’s wife was beating him with her handbag.
After hearing his story, I had trouble knowing how to act in a similar situation. It isn’t easy to help someone who doesn’t ask for your help.
Very funny reaction of that woman! It seems that some people may enjoy the situation. They may feel ..’wanted’! When we speak about adults, I think, they are .. free to ..choose. After all the couple was in Paris..
A few years ago in Cyprus, a husband was closed into prison, because he was … beating the head of his wife on the bed, because she had refused him to have .. sex!! He was … claiming his .. rights!! Now they are accused for RAPE in marriage! But, I think, wives much learn also that they should not …. pretend that they have a …. headache!!;-] Marriage is not only taking; it is also giving LOVE.
LOVE,
Thelma xxx
Another reason that re-confirms that you are my favorite writer, celebrity to follow in Tweeter and the one who has
touched my heart (and mind) in many ways since The Alquimist.
So Proud of you !
Virginia Melo