Paulo Coelho's Blog
Be careful. You can hurt with your words, but you can also hurt with your silence.
To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:
a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;
Excerpt: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Jojo likes your post
In the end there will be silent around us all the time.
This is , for me, the lesson most awakening and most educating at the same time.
The lucky ones can experience it only after The end, where we go all the time alone.
Others already now, when You really need
but the words are substituted by the biig, blaack blanket of the silence.
I totally agree with this.. Sometimes, silence is more hurtful than words..
Can you tell me thr TRUTH? I promiss I wil not tell anybodY! ;) lol
Do you know Luminita~ Mirela, by the way? :)
And sometimes we also hurt ourselves with our own silence.
I found this quote really interesting. It was difficult to express in my approximate English, all the interest I had on this subject. I’m writing in French so that is my mother language. I’m sorry and apologize to those who don’t practice.
J’ai bien compris l’angle de vue de la citation. Comme l’a exprimé Erik Orsenna : « Comme l’eau se change en glace, parfois le silence devient dur. Dur et blessant comme une arme ».Toutefois, les mots et le silence sont des modes d’expression. L’une dans le non verbal, l’autre dans le verbal. Je pense qu’il existe des blessures réelles par la non-action ou la non verbalisation, plus que le silence lui-même. On peut opter pour continuer d’avancer. On peut choisir de s’effondrer. Décider, c’est déjà envisager l’importance que nous voulons donner à ce silence.
Il n’existe pas de méthode toute prête pour savoir de quelle manière, il serait le plus opportun de considérer le silence qui nous entoure, celui qui existe en nous, celui qui existe dans les autres. Ainsi, la pensée chrétienne pense le silence comme un voyage intérieur qui nous amène vers Dieu alors qu’en psychanalyse, le silence est une nécessité qui doit conduire à l’expression.
La chose la plus importante est le silence. Les âmes de prière sont des âmes de profond silence. Nous ne pourrons nous mettre directement en présence de Dieu sans nous obliger à un profond silence intérieur et extérieur, c’est pourquoi nous devons nous habituer au silence de l’esprit, des yeux, de la langue. Dieu est l’ami du silence. Mère Teresa.
L’utilité du silence en psychothérapie a été découverte par le célèbre Sigmund Freud, lorsqu’une de ses patientes lui aurait demandé de se taire afin qu’elle puisse pleinement s’exprimer.
La finalité du silence en psychanalyse est donc de laisser libre cours à l’expression du sujet, à ses associations d’idées, à son inconscient. C’est aussi la raison pour laquelle le patient est allongé sur un divan, depuis lequel il ne voit pas son psychanalyste. Il fait donc l’essentiel du travail, tandis que le psychothérapeute reste dans l’ombre et le silence. Ou presque, car son rôle est d’aider à progresser et à interpréter les quelques points qu’il souligne. Globalement, on considère que “moins le psychanalyste en dit, plus ce qu’il dira est important”. E-santé.fr
Ainsi, il existe de multiples silences. Lorsque j’ai lu la citation, la première idée qui m’est venue, c’est le silence musical qui permet de séparer et différencier des sons afin de mettre en évidence leurs relations. J’ai pu lire que John Cage avait détourné ce concept lors d’un concert en restant assis face à son instrument sans jouer une seule note pour faire ressortir que le silence est toujours pollué par des sons ambiants imprévisibles. Dans mon enchaînement d’idée, j’ai pensé au graphisme qui représente le silence en musique, cela m’a évoqué les représentations du silence dans l’art asiatique qui est proche d’une philosophie de vie.
Il peut être intéressant d’évoquer l’intérieur des temples japonais où un espace très sombre correspond à ce lieu sensé être l’essence même du dépouillement, pour atteindre une concentration spirituelle maximum : le « toko no ma », alcôve d’une grande salle des fameux sanctuaires de Kyoto, est un renfoncement ténébreux en plein jour dont l’ombre profonde renferme une « épaisseur de silence » (Junichiro Tanizaki, Éloge de l’ombre), un calme mystérieux un peu inquiétant. Si l’on compare, ainsi que le fait Tanizaki, une pièce d’habitation japonaise à un dessin à l’encre de chine, les « shôji » (parois coulissantes en papier blanc translucide) correspondent à la partie ou l’encre est la plus diluée, le « toko no ma » à l’endroit où elle est la plus noire. Arte
Il en est de même pour tous les arts. Toutes ont une relation au silence nécessaire à la création. Ainsi, Léonard de Vinci définissait la peinture comme une « poésie muette ». L’écrivain Orhan Pamuk, qui avait entamé des études d’architecture disait que « la peinture est silence pour l’esprit et musique pour l’œil ». Pour Christian Bobin, écrivain et poète « l’écriture est le cœur qui éclate en silence ».
Ainsi, le silence nous offre les mille et un visages de nos émotions. De l’émotion silencieuse mais réelle, je vous fais partager deux liens sur le fabuleux Mime Marceau. Le premier est un sketch et le second est une interview qu’il avait donnée sur son art…magnifique !
Light & Love,
I read a quote recently. Although I am not a fan of quotes in general, I very-strongly feel like presenting it and ask Paulo, if he wants to have it as the quote of the next week.
It says: When you embark on the wrong train, whichever station you choose to disembark will be wrong…
Thank you, whatever you decide, Paulo…
Dear Yiannis: ” When you embark on the wrong train, when realizing you can ..disembark in the next station and can make another choice. In the meantime … enjoy the journey”.
I think this should be our attitude; never accept complete failure. Even in a wrong train we have become wiser. To be more careful.. next time. But even a ‘wrong train’ may take us to a … correct destination: The one that we were never dreaming of! After all, nothing is a … coincidence. It is IN THE PLAN!
I liked that Sagittarius-mentality that says “…enjoy the journey…”
Dear Yannis, thank you! I do not know about Sagittarius! I am a Libra with Scorpion ascendant and being so I always make plans and think about all aspects of a .. journey! When the time comes to make a decision with … Scorpion’s help, I am committed to it ‘full-hearted’ and this is the story as long as I believe I am in the right direction. But this does not necessarily prevent me to examine the situation again and of course, nothing prevents me from … changing my mind again, if the journey is NOT according to my expectations. I am ready always to face my mistakes and pay for them. ;-]
I approve of you .if we have known our road not right and we can change it but still holding on it for whatever the reason,it’d be a crime to ourselves .
Of course if we take the wrong train anywhere we disembark will be wrong – but that is only a perception that can quickly change if we change the way we look at it.
We can say that we embarked the “wrong” train because there was something we needed to learn from that trip, then we choose to disembark and take a different one. So then even the station we are disembarking is right, as it is the one we chose to make the change. ;-)
yep, it is just happy accident, “wrong” train can also take us to the beautiful place.
I believe that “good” and “bad” are difficult to tell, especially some time after the event, when the lessons are obvious and some new pieces of the puzzle have taken their correct place.
Thinking in the same way, I could easily assume that “wrong” and “right” train are again difficult to tell, since we don’t know the end of the story. We don’t even know the correct stations!
But still knowing the above, something is bothering me after that quote and I cannot figure out what!
Thanks anyway, Gabriela!
If awareness comes that I have embark the wrong train, then I will have to have the humility and courage to face it, get on on the next station and get on the right train. :-)
Completely agree with you lot!
“Someone might steal your song but they will never managed to steal your voice”-me and myself :D
never meant to write that here but today I keep on doing that!lol
Oups in case not understood well I made an error in typing … I meant “I would get OFF at the next station and get on the right train.”
…and if you can’t define “right” and “wrong” at the time being?…
for me there is no “right” or “wrong” it all depends on perception – what is right for you can be wrong from me and viceversa…
same as, what is right for your today, can be wrong tomorrow and viceversa!
Gosh I love this crazy life!
Yes, I know what you mean. Each individual, each place and each time define “right” and “wrong” and that could change all of a sudden!
But I don’t know what other words to use to describe my inner search…
However, I admit it about the craziness of life and often I find that it is very alluring… }:-))
PS: Perhaps, it is not the words “right” and “wrong” that I should focus on for that quote.
Well, let me imagine … if I become aware that I am on the wrong train, there will be an awareness, some indications to follow … trusting the guidance, the intuition, I will embark … and if I am on the wrong one, the same will happen until I am on the right one. The right, I would feel in my body, mind and soul.
“When you embark on the wrong train, whichever station you choose to disembark will be wrong…”
This is true of course, but we have a greater problem when we don’t realise we are on the wrong train until we arrive at the end of the journey! We should make sure we read all the SIGNS on the way !!!
First of all, I can’t thank you enough, all of you.
The last years, it is a fact that quotes happen to come in my grasp. Most of them have something to say, others are indifferent to me, but all of them (I think) have made their point in one way or another.
That quote I presented is the only one, the last 6-7 years that still, having read your opinions, leaves a turbulence inside me. I feel like the quote hasn’t completed its own lesson to me and there more things that it keeps veiled.
The first blow to that curtain of uncertainty came from the word “signs” I read. It is not important who wrote it. For me, it is important that so many people cared and spend their time to share their thoughts and, thus, helping me…
…and, again, I thank you all for that!!
Be very well…
Noise can be over-rated. Silence is.. Golden.
Silence can be mis-interpreted for arrogance, ignorance…
Speak from the heart and then you can do no wrong.
Just remember that ALL communication is like a song… and deserves to be sung like a melody, no?!
“Speak from the heart and then you can do no wrong.”
I shall keep that one Catherine…
Yannis – thank you ;o)
Blessings to you
Ohhh… this is so beautiful, dear Catherine… I love what you have write here…
thank you catherine!
i do agree to what you say, its absolutely true… but i appreciate if you can teach me how to speak always from the heart…
Dearest Gabriela – Thank you !
I really liked your website.. shall follow on facebook too ;o)
So true, I know I have done both, but never intentionally, only with time to reflect and looking back I realize this. I am quite impulsive in nature, but am learning to think before I speak, and am learning to speak when I need to. I used to beat myself up about the fact that I’m only learning this after my 40th b’day, but now I believe it is never to late to shake all you were tought and find your own way. To battle and be a warrior who fights with herself, to not let all the pains I thought I was incapible of battling get to me and stand up streight and face what is coming. I do have days I just want to fall apart as I feel so stupid not to have seen what was going on in my life, not to be aware that only I am the master of where my path is going, it is a daily battle to silence the voices in my head, from my parents but I am gaining ground and will never give up battling no matter how hard it gets, I will fight my way to follow my path, sorry got side tracked about being silent and words that hurt, but thats me too, I babble and have a need to speak what is going on inside of me,
Love to all ❉♡❉
I understand you so perfectly… cause I babble too and often i talk when i should have kept silence..and vice versa… I don’t know when to speak and when to keep quite.. it is not easy…but if we should sing our hear out… then this is me! I love to do it.. and all the songs I have write and sung already were from my heart… that’s why I compose them in the first place.. because I need it them… I need it them.. om god.. Idont know if you will understand what I am trying to say.. I think I’ve started to babble again… heheheh :)
Have a nice day, dear!
Sometimes in close relationships e.g. marriage, we remain silent because of indifference, or preoccupation or stress with work etc. Often, silence speaks louder than words and can cause hurt and misunderstandings with the other person as can be seen in the following video:
Kristinia De Barge – Speak Up w/Lyrics
I try and use silence as a palette. Then the words you speak or sound you make have more power. I also try and not hurt anyone with either.
We are a parcel of God, a parcel of the truth.
Both can be powerful weapons to manipulate, to influence, to control. The intention behind the word and the silence. And words and silence are also there to prevent suffering when hurt, when not aware that one is trying to shut the memory of the body, mind and heart. A teacher once told the class, before speaking, turn your tongue 7 times in your mouth. That is something that I heard that I retained … not speak to rapidly or impulsively … take the time to listen to the center, to the heart, the soul, become aware of the interior reality that is occurring. With that awareness, the choice to speak or be silent will be a wiser choice. When the intensity is too much, I try not to react, just to give me time, and when silence is dominant, I say the same, do not feel like talking, need time. Becoming more aware more and more of the importance and the power of the words and the silence thanks to the Life’s experiences, I search and seek why I need to talk or not talk and how I can express or not without hurting myself or the other or the Universe.
WOW!!! JOJO!!! thsi is so beautiful dear!!!
“… take the time to listen to the center, to the heart, the soul, become aware of the interior reality that is occurring.”
Love, Gabriela Romaria
Marie Ann, having read your reply, it just reminded me of another quote (maybe these are not the exact words, yet) “he who believes everithing he reads, should not be able to read”. Regarding the twin souls, we all can have great friends and very close ones. Just enjoy their presence and the time you get to spend with them or to learn from them. Let there be wisdom in our minds and souls while reading whatever there it is to be read.
We shall all pray to God for wisdom,rather to speak out or to keep quiet
“Me, I and myself”
“moi,je et moi-meme”
“eu,e u,eu propria”
If one has hurt inside, whateve you do that would be a hurt , but what if you smile and touch him with your whole sincere heart ?
And you won’t want to help or make up even say sorry , you just show your love and concern out, I think that’s the distinguish to when to say or when not say! Only when we have so many ideas of ourselves, the scilence or the words are all come to a hurt to others. Meanwhile we got hurt as well!
not saying ‘I love you’ even if I want to (esp if pride is getting in the way)–is an example of a silence that can hurt
happy valentines! (^^)
hmmmmmmmm… yes…this really hurts, dear SEA!!!! :) I KNOW IT! O:)
I am trying to get a tattoo from a quote here. But seems to be all of them is awesome. I need you guys to help me to give me choice of one of many awesome quotes that Paulo has.
Is it okay for me to seek that help? :)
Thank you ppl. :)
If it is important to you, why not? I have some tatoos … those have a special meaning for me in important stageso of my life. I like that one: “Be realistic, believe in the impossible.”
lolo I never heard about that before!!! A tattoo with Paulos quotes???? hehehehhe that is really beautiful, dear!
Well, now I have the tatoo of the WOL symbol which in a drawing contains the humanist philosophy of Paolo … :-)
Silence is Sound’s father.
We shall listen to Silence very closely so that we do what we are to do.
indeed… but sometimes our hearts is flooded with love…so we must speak…. :)
That’s when Silence leaves us alone so that we can feel at ease… :)
Es muy muy cierto!
lOVE YOU ♥♥
Of course, “es muy muy cierto!!!” LOve to you, Gabriela
Eis um grande dilema, quantas vezes na nossa vida teremos que escutar ofensas por sermos omissos ou por falar demais? Eu tento falar com jeito sem machucar ou conto algo omitindo algumas coisas que sei que magoarão a pessoa.
In a small village after Bellorado in the north of Spain called San Esteban on my Pilgrimage last year, I stayed for a night. It was a Donativo, so we had to help out with cooking, cleaning and it was always very interesting to join the activities on this places since they could be quite different from the Albergues. After the so called mess, we had sitting in the floor in one of the room while the Volunteer there had played the flute anf. We read something one a small papernote, which had been written by an earlier Pilgrim passing by and putted it in a box, in their original language…and i did the same
Since I am from Norway, and I dont remember who wrote it…I just want to say it…because it is so obvious…
“there are two ways of spreading the light, to be candle or the mirror that reflects it”
The Moon reflects (mirror) the light from the Sun. But the Moon is so important and has its own magnificent and unique beauty.
Perhaps, sometimes we are the candle and other times the mirror…
Your quote is really one of profound meaning on which I will reflect. Thanks for sharing.
There is a saying in my language “Golden is a word that remains unspoken..”meaning when situation is hard,difficult,maybe it is sometimes better to be silent,it doesn’t mean being a coward,just TIME will tell what was the meaning of the silence in the past….
People create quotes for certain reasons, according to the situation each time.
“You are the master of the unspoken words and the slave of the words told”
“It is better to regret for something you did, than to regret for something you didn’t”
Well…there are no 2nd chances for each situation. Just our feelings to listen to, whether we decide to speak or not.
Besides, we may have one “shot” for each situation, but life is full of situations and “bullets”…!
totally when i want to take my Revenge 4m someone
i let the silence come around
I know the truth, even I am not … GOD, dear Paul! I am in tune..
“First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.”
I am not sure about the accuracy of the sequence, but the meaning remains the same.
Beautiful Anne, thank you.
Our DUTY is to speak and say the TRUTH even if for this truth we maybe ‘crucified’.
I am … famous for telling the truth, which sometimes is bitter or others do not want to hear it.
Γεια σου Θέλμα…
Γειά σου, Γιάννη! Σε χάσαμε…
Χαιρετισμούς από την Κύπρο.
yeah ! speaking the truth, but its’ eminently preferable if we can deliver truth without getting crucified in the process, i mean we need to live another day too, to deliver one more truth, no !
Dear Aditya, telling the truth and showing that we, sometimes, could see ‘deeply’ into a situation, may make people feel awkward towards us. The truth and knowledge that is ..concealed and becomes obvious may cause us trouble! The more wise we become the more open to the Truth we are.
Regarding CRUCIFICTION I have used it in a metaphor; remember Jesus, who was crucified just for teaching LOVE!
Not telling the truth that lies inside is having another knock the hammer that puts deeper the nail. Not respecting the truth that lies inside is going on to crucify oneself.
Una volta scrissi un verso:
Il silenzio della tua bocca mi fà capire meglio quello che vedono i tuoi occhi e vuole la tua anima..
Anni fà… ora gli occhi della gente non si vedono più siamo sempre di più dietro ai pc o ai telefoni ed il silenzio ha perso valore o anzi ne ha trovato uno nuovo l’indifferenza
Bello! GrAZIE DI CUORE.
Anche le brutte parole o le parole fastidiose possono contenere un grido disperato di aiuto. Sta a noi cercare di capire con la nostra sensibilità e non valutare con superficialità o peggio con indifferenza.
La grandezza d’animo di un essere umano si definisce con la sua capacità di incontrare tutti gli altri esseri umani a prescindere dalle loro peculiarità, quindi va da sè che, proprio per i limiti intrinseci dell’uomo stesso, sono pochissimi coloro che hanno gli strumenti necessari per aprirsi all’altro con disponibilità ed amore.
Ecco perchè, nel mondo, persistono i conflitti interpersonali, nazionali, mondiali. E mi domando sempre più spesso con dolore e somma preoccupazione:- Riuscirà mai l’essere umano a dimostrare di essere ciò per cui Dio, l’Unico dio di Tutti l’ha creato?
Forse anche Dio è consolatamente imperfetto e quindi anche noi dobbiamo accettare le sofferenze che ci autoinfliggiamo? Vale la pena di parlarne ancora, di sforzarci sempre per superare i nostri limiti e le nostre cattive parole, i nostri colpevoli silenzi fatti di indifferenza ed opportunismo?
Non è forse una battaglia già persa in partenza da secoli, anche se ancora in molti sperano in tempi nuovi?
Io proprio non riesco a gettare la spugna, credo ancora e sempre in un mondo migliore perchè io ne ho bisogno per continuare a sentirmi viva. Quindi parlo, anche se già so che spesso sbaglio, e taccio, anche se già so che non è giusto tacere. La miglior cosa sarebbe manifestare il proprio pensiero con calma, umiltà e verità. Ci provo.
Sometimes if we use them in wrong manner, words, is possible they turn against us as a boumerang.
if we hurt one, we actually hurt ourselves.
if we humiliate one, we humiliate ourselves.
what did someone say in their comments?
- we are all nude – have the emmperor’s new clothes syndrome
- what did the dalai lama say: the one who excludes others excludes oneself…
it always comes back …
we are all connected ….
the wing-move of the butterfly in china affects the events here.
Thank you Katie dear, you smart girl. Hugs
Have a nice day
Thanks, Alexandra and Katie.
Very true! I believe in this “boumerang” effect, and our words can often come back to ‘haunt’ us!
I know this.
complicate to do a healthy communication.
big hug, theresa
Can you define the “wrong manner” and the purpose for someone to have such behaviour?
Ok, I give an example. Sorry if is bit…Ok, here it is. A person was once in the center of my heart. But at times he “had to visit his parents”. He was not aware he already told me he live with his parents, in my town…So he said he go in country side to visit them.I loved him much, so asled me not to lie. He smiled only.
Now, he want me back, but even if I force myself, I cant forget how he treated me, when he had a chance to be sincere. I feel only irritation, not joy, when see his interest, and horrible is he dont see the why.
Was a good example?
Yes, it was a good example.
Of course, there is no need to force yourself to do something. If it is real, then so be it.
Only YOU can tell how your relationship was damaged at that time and if you can close your eyes to his action or not.
Thanks for sharing this…
Purpose I think was cowardice.
Reading this quote reminds me an episode of my life which caused me a deep depression. It happened almost two years ago when the guy I loved with all my heart disappeared whithout giving me an explanation, without saying anything.
I did’d expect such a coward behaviour, I trusted him and altough I asked him sincerity and clearness in every situation, the only thing I obtained was silence.
So I can say silence could hurt more than words sometimes and it could be also a lack of respect for people around us, so in these situations it would be better to speak our mind.
so much love, Alice
Thank you so much for telling the story.
I really hope to find your inner peace again, Alice.
But sometimes the answers to our questions are even worse than the “silence”.
Beware of what you are wishing, beause it may come true.
With great compassion…
Thank you, Yannis. You’re right, truth could be painful, even more than silence. Your opinion about “silence” and truth is the perspective from which I have to see my experience.
Anyway, I found my inner peace again recently because, as I read in one of Paulo’s books, what matters is to leave in the past moments of life ended. So I went ahead (in spite of the “scar”).
Thank you again for your comment and your support :)
Dear Alice, very sensible to what you may have gone through … And from hurt, if one can visit it, force, strength, awareness about oneself can come so to get free of what makes one attract or be attracted by a kind of energy. I just went through a similar experience with some variants … reflecting no how come I did not see it coming … well, because I did not want to see the signs, to listen to my intuition, to trust my intuition having the plan to make something work. I believe that that man was on my path to help me put light on myself. What I told of him of being dishonest and not respectful towards me showed me how I was dishonest and not respectful towards myself and brought me to reflect on what was important to me, what I desired from the bottom of my heart, my dreams and I become more aware and more determined to go in that direction than to follow the tendancy, my tendancy. A quote that I liked from Paolo: Do not follow tendancy but always follow the direction.
your comment is very comforting.
I really admire your strength in trasforming hurt in something useful to understand yourself and your direction in this life.
The considerations you made in this comment are very important to me because, even if I’m no more depressed, sometimes I remember this experience and remembering it makes me sad.
But, when these sad moments come again, I will dedicate myself to follow your suggestion and to remember Paulo’s quote.
Thank you so much, dear Jojo :-)
love and esteem, Alice
Happy to read that my words touched you. You know, when I am hurt or feel hurt, I imagine myself as the warrior who needs to go under his tent to get the arrow out of its body. Take time to just go through the hurt in the body. Then, time to clean the wound and purify, in order to get out and fight the good fight …
Love to you too, Jojo.
Beautiful comparison :-)
Me too. The man with whom I spent my youth(from 21 to 29) left me same way…I will never understand him.
Yes, I think it’s impossible to understand them.
It’s really interesting the comment that Jojo made about our experience: we can’t understand them but we can understand ourselves through this suffering. Read her comment (if you haven’t read it yet), it’s very touching.
Thank you so much for sharing with us! I understand you completly, dear Alice! God bless you! LOve, Gabriela Romaria
God bless you too, Gabriela
“Be careful. You can hurt with your words, but you can also hurt with your silence.”
when reading the quote of the week, I was reminded of Cate’s comment that she added in the “No” blog:
“If you had ever been the victim of a sociopath/psychopath, you would believe in real evil. There are other ways of destroying lives that don’t include murder or sexual abuse. Ways a normal person can’t even contemplate. Once your heart, mind and spirit have been shredded for nothing more than amusement, you know evil exists and you are changed forever.”
this all reminded me of verbal abuse that is part of emotional abuse….
there are ethical rules nurtured by psychology what good verbal, non-abusive communication is. however, I think there is no country in the world that has jurisdiction in case of verbal abuse (in general) as I describe it below. however verbal abuse can hurt, negatively affect the victim, and destroy the spirit. building up the spirit again afterward is hard.
This type of communication can be found everywhere, not just in close (intimate) relationships, also in, e.g., professional environments.
one typical verbal abuse that can occur there is discrimination/harassment because of sex, religion, ethnicity etc. these types are controlled by law in the usa – as far as I know. however, verbal abuse can also occur in the following way:
people’s intent to verbally abuse others can be (to name but a few):
- they think if they grew up in this way that this is a normal communication
- pleasure to see other suffering
- to cover their own insecurities & fears
- wanting to feel the “power”
people are verbally abusive when they (to name but a few):
- yell at somebody
- humiliate others
- use silence to control and manipulate
- criticize in a harsh, negative way
- laugh when the other person is seriously speaking
- verbally harass
Being exposed to verbal abuse, one can (to name but a few):
- respond with silence
- define boundaries in a healthy way (e.g., not yelling, being direct and calm when explaining)
- making jokes about the verbal abuse
- saying in a loud & direct way: stop it; don’t talk to me in this way …(this means building up a brick wall for boundary :o))
Words can hurt more than a kick in the teeth and last considerably longer and penetrate deep into the soul…
Silence however, can create a great deal of internal turmoil that people feel alienated from society, social outcasts and create the boundaries that we see across the world today. There are so many levels within all societies where people think that they are better than others.
I remembered something i read once “Communication could solve all of the problems in the world!”
LETS START TO USE IT
Love, Alastair x
thank you. I agree :o).
it was quite a good surprise when I worked on my comment, and after submitting it to see that obviously we wrote on the same topic in a similar way at the same time :o)
this synchronicity gives me hope :o)
There is always hope, and sometimes hope is all that we have left!
I try my best everyday, which is always generally at work, to help others see what is wrong with the world and talk to each other. We all have very similar problems and in talking solutions can easily be found and shared.
Make the world a better place full of joy:o)
That’s the correct word, my friend…
Make choice.To be or not to be:hurted,hunted,humiliated-HOMO LUDENS becomes HOMO VIRTUS.
I just hope I haven’t hurt anyone here with what I’ve might said.
And sorry if I’ve been missing some days but I’ll keep being so for at least a few days. I’ve took some responsibilities these two last weeks,(A little more than I can handle) but which I want to go through.
I still read some of your comments and Paulo’s posts but I don’t reply, but that doesn’t mean that I forgot you. ;)
I love you
you did not hurt me.
this for sure.
I have always enjoyed your comments :o)
big, big hug
Olta Ana, dear. You just brought smile and happiness, at least to me. I am afraid I was not so friendly and kind as you to me, sorry. You are a solar person, hope is the right term.
Dear Katie and Alexandra thank you!
And Alexandra please, you have nothing to say sorry to me. You are a very good friend.
Love and hugs!
strange…. I use this as teasing tool some time.
Yes,it can hurt more than words.I experienced it myself and sometimes even use that sharp sword when get really angry.But I am learning now not to use it very often.
This is so very true Paulo.
Silence does not always means yes. Sometimes no reaction is appropriate especially if the person you are dealing with is closeminded. And if the purpose of conversation is to put the other person down. But Silence can be very rude, especially when endearment is concerned.
From the teachings of Taizan Maezumi Roshi: “The echoless valley has a good sound”.
With love, Daniel
Thank you, Paolo for writing what I truly needed to read.
I understood this quote as a call for non confrontationalists like me to boldly challenge the people we love because in this way, we are showing them we care.
Silence can be hurtful, especially when there is a need for words to be exchanged, and constantly avoiding people and situations creates immeasurable harm for those around us.
I think I will finally confront my friend tonight about our problems with each other.
Hi Mari Ann!
We all feel like Paulo’s soul mates. What are the poor man to do? RUN! hehe
I just love your comments, heart,
with your wisdom
with your humor
you deserve your name…
p.s. He is our Teacher!
Thank you Katie! What a nice thing to say. Love someone who can giggle together. I’ll never be too old for it.
Ps. I don’t see him as my Teacher, but as a Companion, give & take ;)
“There is a time for everything…A time to be silent and a time to speak.” Ecclesiastes 3:7
In our lives there are times we regret speaking, and times we regret remaining silent. Wisdom lies in knowing when to speak and when not to speak.
A few days ago I had a very strange dream that involved some pretty bad stuff, well at the end of the dream and still in the dream I was regretful, which then gave me the thought that I must think many times before saying or something that would make me feel bad. Your Comment is a reminder of this dream, thank you.
Thank you for sharing information about your dream. Yes, you are right we should try not to act impulsively, and carefully weigh the consequences of our words. As you say, in hurting others, we usually feel hurt/guilty ourselves, so in this case I think it is better to open dialogue with the person concerned, to get rid of misunderstandings etc. We shouldn’t let mistakes hold us back from speaking in the future. We are all in a process of learning, and mistakes are inevitable.
Thank you dear Theresa, for sharing your wisdom from Ecclesiastes [Εκκλησιαστής]
Thank you Theresa for sharing your wisdom
thank you for your post! You definitely just gave me a message that made so much sense to me and that just helped me tremendously. Thank you again!
And love is to forgive oneself and go on in applying the lesson. When Jesus healed, he always said now go on, take your bed and walk … go on and do not do hurt anymore …
Very good point, Jojo. Yes we must forgive ourselves and “take up ‘our’ bed and walk” and not hurt any more…this means that healing has taken place. Thank you..
I just wrote that comment as well…. X
Great! “The more the merrier…”!
God bless you…
Yes, I do believe in this.
In my experience, it is the deafening silence that hurts the most. Silence (like a cold-shoulder treatment)or indifference creates a more devastating and stinging effect than words.
I also remember this line- “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Perhaps, the songwriter didn’t have an experience of being hurt with words. As we all know, words are indeed powerful.
There’s a song called “Words” and it goes like this ” It’s only words and words are all I have to take your heart away.” Or, shall we add – “break your heart.”
Indeed, we should be careful not to hurt people with our (careless)words or actions. Don’t find yourself in situations where you have to say- “ooops, it was just a slip of the tongue.”
Lastly, I love this biblical passage – ” The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on ‘words’ especially the impact of harsh words and they do injure a person. I love your final quote ”The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life,but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
And also in the Bible that it can lit a fire and burn the forest.
“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
So very true, thank you for reminding us of this biblical passage.
I totally agree with you!
Many times I am afraid I speak in a way people would not understand the real meaning. Hurting with silence…we need communication, is better a debate, than no talk at all. Silence can be seen as sign of indifference. BUt we say” Who is silent is agreeing”. Maybe not.
I remember the decadent poems again…he he, they shocked me really. Is a sort of hurting?
Words can be weapons, sharp, so better using them with great responsibility.
Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart.
~Phyllis McGinley, “Ballade of Lost Objects,” 1954
so true :( …
Incredible, thanks. I loved that.
This poem reveals an important truth. Thank you Gabriela for sharing it with us.
Silence my problem. Too much silence sometimes. :(
The Eloquence of the Silence!
Why do we have to be careful? If we want to hurt someone does it matter whether we use words or silence?
I really appreciate your intensively digging into this source (thumper law, lion king …) that brings so much seriuous, enlightening contributions …
(love it hehehe).
I wouldn’t like to contradict the “Thumper Law”, but I do feel that things are not that ‘cut and dried’ in life! I think there is sometimes a place for constructive criticism. For example, if we see a loved one or close friend doing something we think would be harmful for them, it is far better to speak and perhaps offer advice, than to keep quiet and let them suffer. Constructive criticism can also be a useful tool in Education and Parenting.
Γεια σου Άννα…
For me, love means I love enough the other to tell what I feel at the moment, with respect. Sometimes, the other finds it hard, but can receive because of the way it is told, with love. “L’amour demande de ne pas ménager quelque fois. De ménager l’autre n’est pas de faire luire la lumière.”
i beleive the quotation was meant for situations where we cause hurt unintentionally. in case, its our goal to hurt, then again depending upon what the other person wants, we can hurt e.g. if teh person wants to speak to us, we can use silence or vice versa.
yep ! theresa !
there is a place for constructive criticism, but need to be very very careful there, it must be out of love, not out of ‘i told u so’ or one-up-manship, the intentions shows through.
what annie has said is not that we cannot point out something wrong, as we see it, only we should do so in a nice manner, can we say teh same thing more nicely. e.g. say i want my son to brush more properly, my wife would be blunt and would just order him, but i will say something like, hey when u brush properly u’r smile looks so much more dazzling.
nothing can be applied and retained as a rule, idfea is to go through all ‘rules’ imbibe tehir spirit and then forget them, after that whatever teh sitaution throws up !!
Good point! It’s the ‘intention’ behind the criticism that counts! We must be ‘diplomatic’ as in your example! After such an effort it’s no wonder that some people prefer to remain silent !!!
Thank you and Annie for raising this point.
Well, Annie I agree with your ANT Law !!! It really makes sense and I will always refer to it!
However, I still think there is a place for constructive criticism. I use it with people close to me such as my sons..We often have discussions over problems they have, and I give my honest opinion with some advice. It is well received and they always come back for more, so I must be doing something right !!! Also I go to them to ask for their opinions and they do the same with me! But what you say is right, Annie, “the way we say something makes a huge difference.”
I vote for the ANT
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