(One of my friends here sent me a link while commenting on “Insult the dead”. I checked it and I stumbled upon a very interesting text by Bonnie Ware. Below a resumée: )
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
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So beautiful and yet so true.I believe its never too late to make a change.Thank you paulo .
So beautiful and yet so true.I believe its never too late to make a change.
one of the great blog I ever seen.. Dear Sir, you are an amazing writer….
Well, all I can say about the 5 regrets is, they kind of true when you look it from one perspective lets say the human perspective . For me is the most important part forgotten GOD, no body mentions GOD , if you really have faith you wouldn’t regret so many thing , you would live your life right and the rules what faith teaches us and it doesn’t matter about what religion we talking about, at the end all of them teach us the same thing and the same God.
Only way not to regret things is people should try to make people around them more happy , yeah, people really think they do but in real they don’t , that automatically bring happiness to our self and that’s I think what most people are looking for just the feeling of happiness and peace, but until we continue just to spend our life making money thinking, having a big house , or a shiny new car and lots of other things what make this horrible times we will never be happy and at the END everyone well have more then 5 regrets .
Oh! I really relate my existence with all the regrets…. but the thought which comes to mind is that …still life is there…I love my life .. what to do to make my existence an absolute existence…………! with no regrets when the end comes….
regrets that i choosen to have better life as a very bad health in exchange…now feels like i got no future at all, regrets that i should listen in my instinct and not with the people needed me…one thing i learned in life is that sometimes we better think to be selfish for our own sake before think others…cause at the end its you who pays others will dont care at all…
I was regret about some decision i made about 11 years ago when i finished my high school.. it must be i took the scholarship to German for 3 years.. but then, i chose the other decision to do that i really love.. Singing.. (i never dreamed before that i’ll be a singer)
But after all.. i realize its not regret.. i don’t have to be
cos’ i do enjoy my life now.. i do love my job now..
i learned so many things from this decision i made.. i lived so many experiences , i knew so many new peoples(good and bad), it made me see the world from the other side..
sometimes life so cruel, but still good :) sometimes life so unfair but still good, sometimes life so wonderful (its more more good :) )
There is nothing to regret, as long as we do the best in our way we live right now.. and its make me learn how to Grateful for everything i had, everything i have..
Success is not always about when we get what we want, but when we pass through the journeys which is full of trials and problems, so that we can stand up now..
Well, i cant say that i’m succeed.. but i’m on my way.. :) without regrets..
Rheta Arheta
WORLD NEVER END UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE IS OVER……
life is like an empty house how you are able to fill your house is how you can prepare to live in it, when you can not fill yours that is when it seems like is over,but like a hard working man try to feed up his family that is how the world is.but feel like you are the only one who can make impact that is when you can walk and plan your life like you own the world…..
(..ALBERSTEIN ANTHONIO)
I thank you for this text and wisdom. I too have worked side by side with palliative care and the thoughts & fears. The hours I’ve spent listening and comforting, I’ve also learned about the human spirit and heart, that even at the very end- love is always there. It never fails you. The road taken, the road not taken.
These moments of “regrets” made me realise how lucky I am, having a good health, the freedom to live my life true to myself, and the strenght to try things I wouldn’t have dreamt of before.
So thank you for posting this, live with an open mind and stay true to yourself!
This is a terrific post.
Poignant – succinct — and a great wake up call for everyone.
Kindest
Chris Farrell
Muitas das vezes deixamos de viver a nossa vida em funcao de outras pessoas, mas hoje eu aprendí e tenho a consciencia que nao vale a pena se sacrificar ,pois muitas das vezes este sacrificio poderá ser em vao . A vida é unica e curta demais para jogarmos fora os nossos sonhos e anseios quando se tem certeza de que estamos no caminho correto. Aproveitar ao maximo cada precioso momento que Deus nos dá e vivê-lo intensamente como se fosse o ultimo com muito prazer, amor e responsabilidade, sem prejudicar a si proprio e ao proximo. Hoje posso afirmar que eu sou a pessoa mais importante para mim mesma e jamais abrirei a mao da minha felicidade , em busca de um grande amor. O mais triste de tudo nao é se arrepender de ter feito, mas se arrepender de nao ter feito…
Dream your death, you will find your regrets and walk through your regrets to limit your regrets at the end of the life. Everyone will have regrets as life is something, which will never be enough to enjoy the beauty of it.
Es hermoso darse cuenta de lo que necesitamos verdaderamente aunque sea al final de la vida.
we should live the present and also we we should contemplating for best future ..always look stright in your way and never look back to your past.. fill your heart with love and be like birds start everyday of their life happy and singing …..
This is something I wrote after a difficult time I had and then things turned out so well that I couldn’t believe it.. I would like to share it as a general comment and I would like to apologise for my English. During the hard time I had I didn’t stop fantasizing that things would get better for me although a part of me didn’t quite believe it. When my thoughts became reality and things got better for me I was pretty shocked because it happened exactly as I had it planned in my head. Then I realized that our happiness mainly depends on us and that we have the power to change our lives even if all odds are against us!
“I imagine a train.. I’m in a train station and I’m eagerly waiting for the train I’m going to get.. I don’t know where it’s going; I don’t know when it departs. But I know it’s waiting for me and I know I’m going to have a good journey. I am just waiting for the announcement of the departure.. I see people around me.. I learn that the ticket is free – it’s an offer from the previous journey, not a nice journey the previous one.. But I earned my ticket from it. Now I know that things in life don’t always have to go wrong. Sometimes they have to be right.. But you need to believe that things have to be right otherwise they won’t be. It’s as simple as that. Believe and imagine that things will go well for you, that you will stop crying, that your life will change, it has to change, you demand it to change.. And before you know, it changes.. your train departs and takes you to a journey you never imagined or perhaps you imagined but wouldn’t believe that it would get real.. Perhaps we should pay attention to our thoughts. They are powerful enough to change dramatically our lives. My train is ready to leave and Iam on it. Bye bye. See you some other time. I’m leaving to other places now. I am beginning to follow my dreams now.. and my heart. Bye..”
so very very true….!!!!
really nice…
so true and very well said! Thank you.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. God repeats these words so often in the Bible for all to know. Thank you again for putting in your own words, ‘hope’ and ‘certainty’
of better things to come in life.
Dear Sir,
Maybe this is so random but when I read this post, I remembered one of your book.. …
on how she’s trying to kill herself but after with little left to lose, she embarks on a journey on which she frees herself to experience relationships and emotions and ultimately discovers what it means to live.
Veronika Decides To Die
Many people don’t have the courage to even express their positive feelings not only the negatives ones. Show the ones you care about that you care before it’s too late; tell them you love them and that you feel happy around them; we only live once, life is short, so let’s live life with who we love while we can :)
But wht do we do when the most loved person cheats you, leaves you after getting a new one. How do we live when the only trusted person breaks our trust??? Life seems to have lost all its charm and beauty.
I think, when we need to change our life, when we can’t do something anymore and someone very close steps in saying “turn back”, we have no option but to let that person know that if he/she doesn’t agree with our direction in life, he/she won’t be a close person anymore. if the most trusted person breaks our trust, so be it. someone else will become the most trusted person :) life is rich and full of good people
thanks for inspiration .these all we experience n realise with the time span. But after introspecting n realising also we dont impliment. The truth is we r habitual to regreat things.
i’m having some shock..i think it is need to appreciate life and it is better to do something than you would regret that you would not do it…
GRAZIE INFINITE PAULO…
Ecco il testo in italiano se gradite… This is the italian translation,
Infinite Love to all, Cris
(Uno dei miei amici mi ha mandato questo link mentre commentava “Insultando la morte”. Vedendo ciò e mi sono imbattuto su un testo molto interessante di Bonnie Ware. Ecco di seguito un resume…)
Per molti anni ho lavorato in cure palliative. I miei pazienti sono stati quelli che erano andati a casa per morire. Sono stato con loro per gli ultimi 3-12 settimane della loro vita.
Gli ho nterrogato su eventuali rimpianti che avevano o su qualche cosa che farebbero in modo diverso. I temi più comuni emerserò più e più volte. Ecco i cinque piú comuni:
1. Vorrei aver avuto il coraggio di vivere una vera vita per me, non la vita che gli altri si aspettavano da me.
Quando le persone si rendono conto che la loro vita è quasi finita e guardano indietro chiaramente su di essa, è facile vedere quanti sogni sono stati insoddisfatti. La maggior parte delle persone che dovevano morire, sapevano che era a causa delle scelte che avevano fatto o non fatto.
Dal momento in cui si perde la salute, è troppo tardi. Salute porta libertà e molto pochi si rendono conto, fino a quando non ce l’hanno piú.
2. Vorrei non avere lavorato cosi tanto…
Questo è venuto da ogni paziente di sesso maschile che ho accompagnato. Tutti gli uomini che ho accompagnato rammaricavano profondamente il spendere così tanto della loro vita sul nastro trasportatore di una vita di lavoro.
3. Vorrei aver avuto il coraggio di esprimere i miei sentimenti.
Molte persone hanno sopresso i loro sentimenti in tale modo da mantenere la pace con gli altri. Come risultato, stabilirono un esistenza mediocre e non sono mai diventati chi erano veramente in grado di diventare. Molte malattie sviluppate in materia di amarezza e risentimento eranno il risultato di ciò.
4. Vorrei che fossi rimasto in contatto con i miei amici.
Spesso queste persone non avevano potuto realizzare i vantaggi di avere dei vecchi amici fino alle loro ultime settimane di vita e non era sempre possibile rintracciarli. Molti erano diventati così coinvolti nella loro vita che essi avevano lasciato amicizie d’oro sfuggire nel corso degli anni. Molti sentivano un profondo rammarico di non dare alle amicizie il tempo e lo sforzo che meritavano. Ad ognuno mancava gli amici quando stavanno morendo.
5. Avrei voluto essere più felice.
Questo è sorprendentemente comune. Molti non si rendono conto fino alla fine che la felicità è una scelta. Fossero rimasti bloccati in vecchi schemi e le abitudini. Il cosiddetto ‘comfort’ di familiarità si era straripato nelle loro emozioni, così come nella loro vita fisica. La paura del cambiamento faceva loro fingere agli altri e a se stessi, che erano contenti… Quando nel profondo, avrebberò soltanto voluto ridere correttamente della stupidità con la cuale avevanno preso la loro vita.
Life is too short to live other people’s lives. I can fully understand that this is one of people’s regrets in the face of death, and why. We are so conditioned to to what others expect from us. It’s so important that more and more people start breaking that cycle because it causes unhappiness, grief and regrets.
Thanks for sharing.
Be blessed
Oliver
La vita è un regalo che dobbiamo appreziare e considerare il valore di questo donno. Oggi mi sentivo cosi male però avvendo la salute per camminare soto il sole di dicembre mi ha fatto ritrovare il sorriso.
Ho anche parlato con le altre donne per strada cosi solo per comunicare con la gente .Ogni volta provo di vivere la vità come mi piace. Non è sempre possibile perche sono una gynecologa e non sono molto libera di esprimere quello che sento.
me i realize that life is very very short no guarantee we must take profit
and what said mr paulo is true mazing we must follow his instructions
relly me i like his writing because it’s impressive and releived me many times from many experiences
paulo is one of d finest authour i hv cm across in my life.. in fact its the real motivation of my life for moving ahead thanks a lot sir….
Quand on est en guerre avec soi-meme la meilleure facon de guerir est de
rire.
GUE RIR
:) :):):):):):):):):)
If I died tomorrow? no regrets for my life!! I wanted to live a thousand thousand lives, experiences, a thousand stories, but, life is one, one, and we have chosen one in a million, so we’ve built!
After reading these interesting texts called “Insult the dead” and “The top 5 regrets of the dying”, tones of thoughts came to my mind and woke me up. Now I would love to share this personal experience with you, deep in thought.
Dead, death, dying… All these concepts make me thoughtful… I am not ready to understand them yet, to accept them, their meaning and all the reality behind them… However I don’t avoid them, I want to understand, to be able to feel comfortable with them… to find my inner peace.
At present I am going through a period of a lot of changes in my life, I am passing the barrier between the studies and the professional life reality… I have to take key decisions that will condition my professional but also my personal future. I feel lucky to feel that I made the correct choices previously in my life to arrive where I am right now, I have no regrets. But I still need to take a lot of decisions to define my close future, I need to balance my possibilities and define my goals in order to succeed in my decision making process…
But I feel that after so much effort and many sacrifices throughout my life, this process is as hard as the first day; sometimes even worse because the consequences of your decisions don’t have the same relevance… And you need to be flexible, you need to be well oriented, you need to be very patient, you need to be smart but modest at the same time… so many requirements with no rules, only the right combination in the right time will make you succeed.
At this point, when trying to define my path for a future career I start asking myself, what is success for me? My mind is not clear yet at that point… since I was a child I have been taught at school to be “someone” in my future, but always from the professional perspective. That is the reason why all my decisions made until I was 18 years old were oriented professionally. I was lucky to discover at the age of 18 years old the importance of the personal growth, of the self-knowledge and self-understanding…
Travelling inside me to get to know better myself I understood that it is extremely necessary to develop the personal dimension of oneself, but nobody told me about this at school, not at home either… fortunately I found it by myself and I ask for help to go through this journey…
It was him, a professional in this feel who taught me about the art to understand who I am, why I am who I am and how can I change who I am to become who I want to be as a person according to my thoughts and my feelings. It was an intense, difficult but at the same time amazing experience I recommend everyone…
He gave me the tools to be able today to understand myself, my needs, my feelings and thoughts… and from this point be able to understand you, the world around us… to accept reality without creating a parallel reality, to accept you how you are or by contrary to be able to decide I don’t want you in my life… I am open to critics, I am patient to learn from everyone and everything, I am curious about our world, I am happy with myself and my life, and I can say this today thanks to him. Sometimes takes me more or less time, more or less effort, more or less sacrifice but I know there’s always a path to get to the point I am looking for…
However this path may not be the easiest or most simple one, but I enjoy complexity and challenge. The key is always to find a balance… And this is exactly the point where I am right now, looking for a balance in my life. A balance that allows me to continue with my personal growth, enjoying my life as much as possible, keeping close to me what is really important for me and being able at the same time to develop my professional career in a way that it will enrich my personal life.
The balance I am looking for has a clear goal… and this is to be able to die in peace, with no regrets… I don’t want any of these classical regrets coming to my mind when I’ll leave this world:
I don’t want to think “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”. In the process to understand myself and my needs, I understood first of all I need to feel good with myself if I want to make someone else feel good next to me as well as I need to be myself when I am with you. I am sorry if you expect me to be another person, I am who I am with my strengths and my weaknesses, I invite you to be courageous enough to be true to yourself and to myself when we are together and at this level be able to decide if we are enriching each other lives or not… I found out I really need this authenticity, I don’t expect everybody to like me or that I like everybody… my goal in this direction is that I choose to have next to me, in my personal context, lovable people who allows me to be true to myself. I apologized if I decided I don’t want you next to me, I may have my reasons.
I don’t want to think “I wish I didn’t work so hard”. As I mentioned before there’s no point for me to have a professional goal without having a personal growth goal. Working is a need for living in this world, but it is not the only one. I want to find I work I love in order to be able to give my best everyday and get back a satisfactory feeling of being able to do something I love. I think it will really make me happy and capable to develop at my work place not only my professional life but also a human dimension. I need to find a balance between my work experience and my life experience that will allow me to say I loved my work and the possibilities I got there to enrich me and live my life deeply and fully.
I don’t want to say either “I wish I had the courage to say my feelings”. I still have a hard-work to do here. Feelings are delicate; emotions are hard to control and sometimes to understand. But definitively I choose suffering if necessary rather than have fear of suffering. This is a complex world I am trying to understand, the world of emotions… a powerful unknown motor. It is so complex for me, that I feel translating emotions and feelings into words is missing a huge part of the meaning… because our oral language is not precise enough to describe such a complex reality… That’s why for me the goal it is not only to say my feelings but also to show them, so what I say must be in line with what I do.
I don’t want to say “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends”. Friendship is so important for me, one of the pillars of my life that I try to select carefully my true friends. The world of today is a global world, where we are obliged sometimes to be far away from our friends… we are lucky to have the technology that breaks all physical barriers allowing us to keep in touch with almost everyone we love; and this is a gift from the modern world. My personal growth in this aspect is to be able to keep my true friends as close as the first day we became friends. I want to live deeply the friendship, giving my best and making my friends feeling I am present in their lives even if I am 1600Km from them or even if I am not anymore in this world. I want the ties between us to be so close that you are able to feel me and to listen to me even if I am not present there and vice versa
And last but not least, I don’t want to say either “I wish that I had let myself be happier”. Happiness is a choice; happiness is an attitude toward life. And this is the main driver of my life make my decisions in order to be happy anytime, anywhere, not matter what.
Now it is a tough task to find this balance…
Thank you for sharing your experience .. I appreciate a lot what you have said ..
I strongly agree with you and wish I too had the same clarity in feelings and expression as you.
I live in a conservative place. I find that some decisions cannot be reverted and later in life when I realize I reacted in a very inappropriate manner, I cannot even acknowledge it to the person concerned.
Though it is said, looking back in past is not correct, at some point or other in life, there comes a time when we have to reflect back back and say, there was something very wrong done by my hands, which appeared to be correct decision at that time… but, time has flewn away and I cannot do anything now about it, which is sad…
I can accept it as hard destiny, but, somewhere, i realize, it was a dwindling but a conscious choice.
Suggestions, if any, are welcome…
Thank you…your story really can set us thinking about so many things…thank you for sharing your life experience…
Hi Roole,
Your reply invited me to think… you are touching a very interesting point which is the influence of your culture on who you are…
To judge what is right and what is wrong is too delicate for me, because every single thing should be analyze in a concrete environment/context.
I think everything in this life has a past reason (why) and a future reason (for what)… I believe we are who we are today, based on our learning from past experiences. With this I mean, you shouldn’t regret if you are able to project a negative past experience in a positive learning for future behavior… there are so many determinants in these complex crazy world…
Thx for sharing your experience…
Doing what i really like,be true to myself,love my job and be contented,be friendly at all times,be happy everyday by sharing my blessings,and lastly have faith in God. I think regrets don’t EXISTS!
Very profound…i hope i try and follow this…:)
hi … just finished reading the article … somehow it made me realized that what ever decision that ive done in the past few days … and i never regret about it … and i wanted to thank you for that … :)
if i die tomorow, my only regret is not having to finish what new life i have started but having started it, is better than not having to start a new life at all.
My answer to this is RESVERATROL, slows down the aging of your DNA, activates the SIRTI which tells your body you have worked out even if you haven’t. Scientist says its the one closest to the fountain of youth… I am 35, enough said…
Its so touchy and inspirational reading to all that stories
This blog is very touching :) well it is reality. People realize regrets at this point of their life. I, as the future nurse, believe that touching a life of a dying patient or just being there for them will give them courage (at least) to face death with dignity :) Palliative care has never been easy :) because every time you face your patient. You give away a part of you to them ♥
these must be the 5 most common, though “not choosing the right friends” is defintely a 6th.
true!
i was trying 2 put myself in each of the five regrets,and surprisingly i dnt have 1….maybe,coz i ve just started living my life….m just 18 :-)
There are many desires of mine that i wanna do before i die.. But whenever i think about fulfilling my will i think its not the proper time to do so all my desires get postponed along with it.
thank u paulo coelho
so true…. the first one is what I’m going through right now, don’t know how to step up to it….
i realized that if i am about to die now.. i will have the same regrets as of those people.. a lot of us really live a life that is somewhat controlled by what other people think of us and how we will please them… we act, talk and think not only for ourselves but of others especially those whom we love and care for so dearly.. so when we die will leave something for them to cherish but for us to regret so many things…=(
So perfect!! I wish I had the courage to pursue what will make me truly happy. I also wish I wasn’t so alone in my journey.
I am so happy that I met you trougth your books, you are an amazing being who deeply inspires others. I am always exited to be able to read your blog every time you post something. Your words make me want to live fuller, make me want to stop hurting myself and others and make me want to achieve a deeper level of happiness. Thank you so much Paulo!!! :)
I have never conformed, and each day i hear of the disappointment other people express over my choices. But if I was to die tomorrow i can truly say I have fulfilled every dream and chosen my own course, without regret!
I wish I could say the same about my life.
very touching
LAMENTOS DE LOS MORIBUNDOS EMULAN JUSTAMENTE LO QUE DEBERIAMOS HACER EN VIDA PARA NO LAMENTARNOS CUANDO LA VIDA SE NOS VA POR CUALQUIER ENFERMEDAD QUE AQUEJE AL MORIBUNDO. OJALA QUE TODOS PONGAMOS ATENCION A ESTE BLOG Y TRATEMOS DE SER FELICES EN VIDA CUANDO ESTAMOS CON SALUD.
Quanto mais eu leio,eu gosto!Muito bom ler coisas que acontece com a gente.
i wish i loved and was loved more:)
You ARE loved more than you know, m.m. I promise.
its never too late start now open ur heart.. :)
Mi spiace, Perdonami, Grazie, Ti Amo, Ti perdono… e sono pronta per il prossimo viaggio ;-)
we arabs have a saying for imam ali bin abi taleb, “work for your lifetime as if you are immortal, and work for your afterlife as if you will die tomorrow” and this saying implies to what you wrote, we should indeed live our life as if we are immortals in the sense of taking time to really look at all the magnificent things around us and not regret not doing or seeing or saying something….
Lebanese in Spain
A friend of mine is going through the phase of ‘still-locating-happiness’, and wants my serious help. That friend is financially stable, have two kids and a caring wife he claims to be everything with except himself…he believes there are two sides to his nature, and believes every man has them. The first one releted to how society has fashioned him, and the other; how he wants himself to be fashioned and seen by all. He shuns away from his own ‘self’ lying deep within the seven folds of the ‘normal- world’ as he calls it. Yet he wants to create a stability between the two sleves for the sake of his own happiness. He is not a happy soul at all, and he knows that society will rebuke if he seeks to go against its framed yet futile ways! And ,I being a close friend, can’t seem to help him either. I hope out of these five ways, he is able to guide himself towards a stable stance between his two selves. I have posted this script one on my wall for his sake and want your best wishes. I hope things work out for this unhappy soul.
Wow!!! I’m impressed as how equal in nature most of us are, even though we keep trying to find differences in each other. I am going through the same phase in my life and can’t really find that point of balance. I want to run away because I am not only hurting myself, but my unhappiness is hurting others as well.
Just listen very very hard to your friend and put your arm on his shoulder. You don’t have to say anything, just give him comffort.
May God’s light come through your window and give you wisdom.
Sincerely: J-Picasso. :)
Pablo.tus pensamiento y tu pluma nos guía……….es verdad lo que dice tu amigo.un poco deprimente pero es la relidad..siempre vemos claro al final de nuestra existencia………irónica la vida………..
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